Freezing Fog

The view from our backyard last week.

Quiet

I know I've been slacking in the blog department recently. I'd like to say "I've had so much going on!" but that's not even an excuse. There really isn't that much happening... well... that much worth writing about. Life is just trucking along - business as usual.

But what have I been doing with all my free time? I haven't had that much, seriously. I've been keeping up with other online and offline projects. New job requires me to sit in front of a computer for most of the day so when I get home, I just want to sit there and turn off my brain.

I've been learning a lot about my surroundings, about myself and about my family within the past months since Mom passed away. I'm still taking it all in and most times, not really in the mood to share. I've been a bit more introvert than usual and I think it's a good thing.

I find lately I've been longing for silence. I find myself needing "quiet time" during the day - either when I get home from work or at night after dinner. I want to turn off the TV, unplug everything and just sit there with a cup of tea or a book. I've never had this longing before and it's really strange. I've just been rushed through so many emotions, I want a couple minutes to allow my mind to sit still.

I am not so much looking forward to the holidays this year. I'm going to be visiting my Dad and family mid-December and returning to Saskatchewan just in time to spend Christmas day with Js, Jack and Nova - a Christmas we didn't get to celebrate together last year. I know we made the right decision with regards to my trip home but I'm still struggling with knowing that my Dad will wake up by himself Christmas day.

Dog vs Mat

I was quietly preparing dinner (zapping some left over lasagna I slaved over the day before) and I heard a weird noise coming from the side door. Kinda like a "hacking" noise but I knew Jacko was upstairs. "Shite! The dog's about to puke and she's asking for the door!" *runs paper towel in hand*

I slammed on the breaks before I got too close when I saw what was really going on. We'd given Nova the end of a raw-hide in the morning so we could play video games - yes, we're horrible pet owners. My precious, brilliant dog had decided she wanted to bury it somewhere in the house. After searching high and low, she decided behind the side door was the best option. She could then cover it with the mat.

The noise I heard was her trying to push the little mat around with her nose... front paws solidly planted on it. So there she was, pushing with all her might and holding it down in place blinded by her determination. I stood there, laughing and waiting to see what she would do next. In my defense, I didn't know how bad it was at this point - it was just horribly cute. After a while she figured it out (!!) and started scratching and nudging the mat in place. Eventually she had done it, the little raw-hide was (almost) entirely hidden under a giant pile of mat.

She looks over at me with so much pride and happiness like she was saying : Look Ma, no one will ever find it now! Tell me I'm a good girl! I look a bit closer and notice something is a bit off on her face and the mat and floor are covered in streaks of... what is this? Blood?! Nova rug-burned her nose. Like, bleeding and all. She worked so hard she never felt a thing but now she has a little bald spot on the top of her nose, it's kinda scabbing and a bit gross but healing.

Nova : 0
Mat : 1

--blank stare--

I must have started to write 8 different blog posts over the last two weeks. It's been especially difficult to but words to paper (computer screen?) because it's hard to figure out where to start. So many emotions that I can't even begin to explain and so many thoughts, I don't know where to start.

I'm settling in back at home and getting used to the new life. Coming back to a new job also means a totally new lifestyle for us but it'll all work out in the end. I've been keeping busy with friends, work and some stuff I've been meaning to do around the house. Let's hope that lasts me long enough so I can get back to semi-normal life.

Yesterday I had a moment. I talked to my Dad on the phone and it was just a reminder of how far away he is. It's easy to pretend that he just lives down the street, that my Mom is just at work. When reminders come along, that's when it gets rough. I can't just call her at work or leave her a Facebook message asking her to call me later. She won't. She's gone and I don't want to be reminded.

Mom

We said farewell to my Mom last Tuesday night. She gave in to a massive infection after two days of struggles. Her cancer was so advanced that her body couldn't climb back up - even if it had, she would have had maybe one or two weeks until the cancer took over and her body start to shut down. She went peacefully surrounded by loved ones.

Thanks for being here, reading and lending me a shoulder to get through this.

Home is where your cat is.

I never thought I could miss a little fuzzy thing like my Jacko so damn much. Yes, I do miss Js and Nova and everyone else but missing Jack's been pretty difficult in this whole situation.

I miss Js with all my heart but I can call him, I know he's there for me and thinking about me while I'm away. I know he wishes he could be here with me during this difficult time to support me and my family and that is incredibly comforting.

Since I adopted Jack 5 years ago (already!), he's always been there. I've always been able to find comfort in snuggling my nose in his neck and falling asleep to his soft purr. When old boyfriends dumped me, when Js left, when Js came back, when Js left again and came back again and left again, when I decided I was moving wherever Js got posted, when I found out it was Saskatchewan, when I miss my family, when I opened up old wounds to learn to live again - Jack was always there. He's my constant and when I look at him, I know I'm where I should be. It's silly really, to attach such a huge emotional hook to a small kitty cat who can't even talk let alone understand everything that I rely on him for. Maybe it's just that. He's there no matter how much I depend on him, he can't talk back and he lets me make my own decisions and just snuggles.

The challenges that I've faced this week definitely call for a very long snuggles session between Jacko and me to restore my strength and courage. He's 3000kms away and it sucks.

Hard

A lot of things in life are hard. Like rocks or the table's leg against my pinky toe.

I consider myself a pretty strong person. I have my moments of weakness but overall I keep a strong face and cry in the shower like everyone else.

This past week's been quite testing. With my Mom at the hospital, I've had to face some very unexpected situations and put on my game face for the rest of the world. Yes, I know I'm allowed to be sad and upset and fed up. Yes, yes I know.

Today, I added a couple notches to my strength belt. My Mom being drugged up and unable to string two or three words together, my Dad and I had to answer the Doctor's questions when it came to her wishes as far as efforts to keep her alive should anything happen while in ICU. To look a total stranger straight in the face and share something so intimate, so devastating.

It's scratching away at the very last and very thin layer of denial that I have left. Exposing the wound in all it's magnitude and pouring in the salt.

and it's only the beginning.