Christmas Vacation

This year, we opted to stay home and enjoy a relaxing Christmas with the babies versus the chaos that comes with travelling with two babies and having to live out of suitcases. That's our gift to our family.

The kids likely won't have many memories of their lives in Moose Jaw but we want to remember their first Christmas in their first home.

I came across a blog post not long ago preaching limiting your obligations during the holidays and doing things for you and your family instead. At least,  that was my interpretation of it. It made me think of all the things I want to do for and with my children and it made me realize that, in order to do those things, I would have to learn to let go of certain things that are expected of me. I never claim to be super mom, I simply try my best to do what's best for my family. I really couldn't give two shits how other people perceive me or my parenting. This doesn't stop during the holidays.

Yesterday someone asked me if we had any holiday traditions and I was taken aback. It's our first time as a family of four (+2 for the pets) we don't have traditions yet! But when we do build some traditions with our family, I want them to be stuff we enjoy. Not something we do grudgingly just because it's what's expected of us.

Today is my husband's last day of work then he's off until the new year. We will spend our time as a family taking it all in and doing as much or as little as we damn well please. :)

Our Infertiliy Adventures - Comments



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For those of you who know me personally or who've been reading this blog for quite some time, you are probably wondering why anyone would ask me stupid questions knowing full well that a dry, sarcastic and probably very rude response is inevitable.

Here are my personal top choices:

"How come you guys don't have kids?"
SHIT HONEY! WE FORGOT THE KIDS IN THE CAR!

"So, no kids yet?"
No, we prefer to eat small children. We've had a couple... but... you  know..

"So, when are you guys going to start popping out kids?"
Well it does sound like a grand old time when you put it that way. 

The thing is, we can't blame people who don't know about our situation for asking these questions. How could they know, right? What irks me is when people we've known for a long time who are fully aware that we want children still ask us this question.

"Is it you or him that's the problem?"
Actually we both have a problem with people asking stupid questions.
or
Problem?! Thanks, I feel much better.
"Just relax."
 ... *slap*

"It'll work eventually."
I've been telling myself that for the last-three-fucking-years.

"Oh, just ride a bike backwards/do it in the shower/eat a pear/flap your ears, it worked for me!"
Well spank my ass and call me Nancy! I've been going through all these very uncomfortable medical procedures but really all I needed to do was toss a coin in a fountain at the mall?! Why aren't we there RIGHT NOW?!

"So, like, how is it not working?"
I don't know... on the topic of genitalia, did you take care of that rash?
Seriously, dude, don't ask me about the inner workings of my uterus in front of people. That's just fucking rude.

Back to reality.

Oy! Getting back to work after three whole weeks of doing next to nothing was pretty exhausting today. Before the holidays I finished up with my first contract with this employer (covering a maternity leave) and went in for three half days between Christmas and New Year's to do my part, today I started a new contract which takes me well into September as far as secure employment goes. It was kind of odd starting a "new" job that I kinda sorta already did, in a place where I knew everyone and didn't have to ask where I put my lunch bag or where the bathrooms are. I'm super grateful for having the opportunity to keep working there and I really hope to get something permanent by the end of this to keep my employee status and have transfer options when/if we ever do get posted outta here. I don't even want to get started on posting options/possibilities/odds right now... ugh.

Friends invited us over for dinner after work and it was nice to spend some time with them and their kids and just hang. On the not-topic of postings... I will cry every tear in my body when they get posted out. Seriously. We knew them both individually before they even met each other... and here they are, three years and two kids later... they're part of our Moose Jaw Fam.

Three more of my very close friends are getting posted out this summer. Again, just to be clear... we're totally not talking about postings. It's going to be a very long and sobby summer for this gal, me thinks. Don't get me wrong, I'm super thrilled for them that their husbands are finally done their training and they can move on to a more permanent and more family (vs career) oriented posting but there's a wee part of me that's a tad selfish and kinda wish I could keep them here with me forever.

The transient nature of our lifestyle sorta struck me today when I over heard someone say, with a distinct French accent, that they were new here and were looking for info for something... I literally RAN over and yelled "Don't go anywhere! I need to talk to you!" in hopes of introducing myself and offering help if they needed anything to get settled. As I ran towards her, my desperate little mind went "Way to look like a loser." but she seemed SO happy to talk and so relieved that I approached her, my more reserved self immediately forgave my insane self for looking like a complete tool.

It made me realize that we're always loosing friends but they make room for the new ones. And when we're the ones moving, we leave some behind to go meet total strangers. We'll have at least one thing in common and that's a good enough place to start when you're all alone...

Crochet : Bunny Hat

Crochet : Teeny Hat

 

Disclaimer : Hold on to your panties, everyone. I am not pregnant. I made this hat for a friend who's expecting.

Wedding Update : Sobbing like a little child

Warning : This ain't gonna be pretty but don't be alarmed, all's fine and dandy!

I went to our friends' rehearsal to keep company. Js is in the wedding party so I was invited to tag along - I ended up playing usher and might for the actual wedding too depending on Uncle Terry's availability. I have no idea who that is.

Anyways... so yeah. My friend Natasha walked down the isle and my friend Curtis was already crying - yes, it was only the rehearsal - and everything was just so lovey dovey, I got all choked up. I am going to sob like a teeny child tomorrow, I can tell. Natasha has a little boy he's three and he's pretty much the cutest thing ever. (As I post this, I realize I've never written about his cuteness before; stay tuned!) He was so good and standing there so proud by his mom and Curtis. For some reason, that kid a-d-o-r-e-s Js and it was so cute because he kept looking at how Curtis and Js were standing and trying to be like them. Awh.

All these emotions and being so happy for my friends just sent me on a spiral of emotions. How much of a mess am I gonna be when our turn comes? Oh my!

What if I make my ugly-cry face walking down the isle and everyone can see it?
What if the photographer can't get a good photo because my face is all red and blotchy from trying in vain to hold back the tears?
What if everyone thinks I'm crying because I'm walking to my doom?

I want to be a happy and lovely bride. I don't want to be my sappy and emotionally unstable self - just for that one day. Please?!

Enough ramblings, I have a ton of things to do to get ready for tomorrow. I have to go in to work in the AM then rush home, change, rush to the church, coach Uncle Terry, sob uncontrollably, run back home, feed the dog, get back to the mess for the reception and try to look alive.

Baby Talk

As we count down to the wedding, we realize that we're also counting down to the never ending "So, when are you guys going to start popping out babies?" song.

We had the conversation when we started dating, then again when Js proposed and we started planning the wedding, then again when we moved to Moose Jaw together, then again recently. Every single time, we came to a different conclusion. I think that's a good thing. It means we're growing together, our priorities are shifting which is the normal course of things.

I'm not going to start on here about our decision and what direction we're going on the baby department right yet. We're all for discussing it together but not really to the point of discussing it with everyone else.

A post by Janny at Small Town Gal in the City about babies and decisions made me think.

We're at that point in our 'married relationship' where the honeymoon phase is over. We've been married a year (and 4 months), and we've sort of settled down [...], so everyone seems to be expecting it, which prompts us to talk about and wonder: are we actually ready for this?

It's true that things sort of have a pattern of happening, once you get married, it's like you automatically hop onto the 'baby making wagon' (ew!) but what if you're not ready? You just make a life long commitment to love another person with every ounce of your being... why the rush to make another one? Why don't people encourage you to just spend more time loving each other while you still can.

Sadly, a lot of people think that once you get married, you can stop trying and your relationship will be all smooth sailing. Wrong. All the efforts you used to make before you got married, you gotta keep at 'em! Getting married is not like winning the relationship lotto - it's more like graduating. Sure, the college years are over and it's great but now you have to face the real world. The real world does not need to include babies.

When we think about having babies, we don't want to consider only what kind of life we can offer to a child but also, what having a baby would bring to our life. We want to build a family on love and on solid values - we need to know who we are and each other inside and out before we can do that. Would having a kid torpedo us into that growth? Yes. Are we ready for that wild ride yet, who knows!? ... ;)

Getting older doesn't get easier with age

I don't feel old but I know I'm not getting any younger. I remember being 13 years old and thinking "I want to be married, have a career and start having kids by the time I'm 26!" ...then life happened.

I haven't been married yet but that will be resolved this summer. Not exactly as per my innocent schedule but close enough. Over the last year, my Mom's been making comments about how long she's had to wait for me to finally get married and how she'd totally given up hope of me ever getting married. It does not make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside to hear her say that. I know she wants all the best for me and she wants to see me forever happy in love but ... ouch - that was kind of harsh! As for me, I don't have a problem with getting married at this point in my life and I don't think I've failed myself by not getting married sooner. I'm glad I waited around for the right guy to magically appear and take me away to Saskatchewan.

As for the career, well... the whole Saskatchewan part kinda took a large poo on that. I had a good thing going for me in Ottawa but I haven't found any opportunities to pursue my career out here in friendly Moose Jaw. It pushed me to learn new things and do a whole lot of soul searching. I'm still looking for a new passion as I slave away behind a desk. At least I can look back and know that I did something I loved once. Some people go their entire lives hating their jobs and that's my silver lining.

As for the kids well we're just not quite there yet. In a way, if it were to happen I think we'd be thrilled! On the other hand, I don't think we're quite ready just yet to stop trying not to conceive. We both want kids and we both don't want to wait too late *tic toc* but we're in no rush to get there before we're ready. We want to have a child for the right reasons not only because it's the right time. Js has been talking a lot more about babies and the such lately and I have to say I'm a bit terrified because I think his clock is ticking faster than mine. I might change my tune when the wedding is over and all that but for now, waiting is best.

Looking at all this, I think I did fairly well. Even if I don't have kinds, I'm not married yet and I don't have a career anymore - I feel like I've accomplished more than I ever thought I could. You can't plan life according to your age because time doesn't stop ticking until you're ready for it to start again. I am in a committed and loving relationship more so than I've ever been in my whole live, I have had a career, loved it and learned a lot about myself and I'm considering the idea of having kids now which is more than I could have said if you'd asked me this question 3 years ago.

I think I've done fairly well and I can tap my 13 year old self on the back for a job well done.