Mother's Day musings

Mother's day has become for me a day I really wish stopped existing when my mother stopped existing. I mean, yes I still recognize that she was my mom and she loved me with every ounce of her being and she will never ever be replaced or forgotten. But having a whole day dedicated to this special and unique bond to have with one individual is very difficult when it's a constant reminder that this person isn't there anymore.

The last two years have been especially hard since becoming a mother myself was all I really wanted out of life but for some reason it just wouldn't happen. No one could explain to me why and reassure me with certainty that it would actually ever be.

So I stuck my head as deep in the sand as it would possibly go and counted down the hours for the day to be over. I woke up late, went to bed early, and tried to stay away from any sort of Hallmark store.

This year, my emotions are conflicted and I'm having a really hard time dealing with them... or at least understanding what I'm feeling.

I can feel the same dread creep on when people talk about their plans for Mother's day. I wish it wasn't there to remind me that my mother is not. It's a kind of loneliness that really doesn't get any resolve of any kind.

On the other hand, I'm happy to finally have been blessed with becoming a mom-to-be. An event I never thought I would get to celebrate... yet, I can't seem to because of this gray cloud hanging over my head. And that makes me feel so guilty.

Why can't I leave it aside and embrace the fact that my little ones are on their way? Why can't I truly appreciate their existence (and the fact that they are tap-dancing on my bladder has nothing to do with it)? I am so grateful to be where I'm at today and sit here as I get my innards punched and kicked and squeezed - why can't it be just that simple?

Mother's day is still a few weeks away and I hope I get some better grasp and understanding of my feelings by then. That I can enjoy the day for what it's worth to me now and maybe these babies will help me redefine this day into something new. Something magical I can't even being to understand right now... I have to give myself some time.

Our Infertility Adventures - Volume 2

The results are in and everything looks in order... except for one thing. It's kind of odd but that's what we were hoping for. The fact that this test came back negative means that we can get some help and get things moving... instead of going further down the "testing" road. Also, it means that we know what the problem is and it's a relatively easy fix - the best outcome we could hope for considering.

So right now we are looking at a few more weeks of medication, monitoring and daily testing of how I'm responding to the treatment. Until then, Js has to put up with my pretty intense PMS outbursts of bitchyness and hormotional fits.

It's encouraging because things are moving along at a nice pace and the faint light at the end of the tunnel (no disgusting pun intended) is finally looking a little brighter.

Just another quick update until we have more exciting (read: relevant!) news to share. :)

Lonely Baloney

Js is gone. :( The day went surprisingly well though. We got ready to head to Regina and packed a couple last minute things like toothbrush and jammies then we were on our way. We beat the rush at breakfast but it started snowing so we headed to the airport early so I could drive back to MJ before it got really bad. I was good and didn't make a scene at the airport and didn't explode when I got home either. Might be due to my delicious dinner of chips and ice cream. :)

You know the Elvis song that goes "Only the lonely..." Well, when I was little, I thought it said "Lonely Baloney" and always felt bad for it and didn't get why Baloney was so lonely when the deli counter at the store was so full.

It's ruined the song for me forever. And by "ruined" I mean "awesomeized".

Wedding Update : Sobbing like a little child

Warning : This ain't gonna be pretty but don't be alarmed, all's fine and dandy!

I went to our friends' rehearsal to keep company. Js is in the wedding party so I was invited to tag along - I ended up playing usher and might for the actual wedding too depending on Uncle Terry's availability. I have no idea who that is.

Anyways... so yeah. My friend Natasha walked down the isle and my friend Curtis was already crying - yes, it was only the rehearsal - and everything was just so lovey dovey, I got all choked up. I am going to sob like a teeny child tomorrow, I can tell. Natasha has a little boy he's three and he's pretty much the cutest thing ever. (As I post this, I realize I've never written about his cuteness before; stay tuned!) He was so good and standing there so proud by his mom and Curtis. For some reason, that kid a-d-o-r-e-s Js and it was so cute because he kept looking at how Curtis and Js were standing and trying to be like them. Awh.

All these emotions and being so happy for my friends just sent me on a spiral of emotions. How much of a mess am I gonna be when our turn comes? Oh my!

What if I make my ugly-cry face walking down the isle and everyone can see it?
What if the photographer can't get a good photo because my face is all red and blotchy from trying in vain to hold back the tears?
What if everyone thinks I'm crying because I'm walking to my doom?

I want to be a happy and lovely bride. I don't want to be my sappy and emotionally unstable self - just for that one day. Please?!

Enough ramblings, I have a ton of things to do to get ready for tomorrow. I have to go in to work in the AM then rush home, change, rush to the church, coach Uncle Terry, sob uncontrollably, run back home, feed the dog, get back to the mess for the reception and try to look alive.

One step backward, Two steps down..

That's my attempt at a negative turn to the saying.

Lately, I feel like progress is like the dollar attached to a string... attached to a racing car.

My emotional and mental self is progressing at a turtle's pace. Considering I'm getting married in 4 months (eek!) that's not good. Don't get me wrong, I love Js with every ounce of my being. I'm the problem. I'm dead on the inside towards everything else (pets excluded - I love my pets!). Is that enough? Can I go on in life not living for anything else buy my spouse and my pets? My values are very dear to me and I wish they played a larger part in my life I wish I allowed myself the time for them to play a larger part in my life. I feel stagnant.

My professional and career-oriented self is dead but not gone. I still feel the need to pursue something that I value and something that I find real pleasure in doing... but I'm very limited and will continue to be for another couple of years I'm affraid. Who wants to hire, train and employ a person knowing full well that they will be leaving within the next couple of years? No one. That's who. I know I should shut it because I have a decent paying job - if only it was in a tolerable setting, it would be ideal. Sadly it is not and there is nothing I can do about it. Believe me, I've tried.

Hi! I'm Debbie Downer, it's Monday!