Moment of Reality

I'm having a sucky this-whole-infertility-stuff sucks a whole lot more than usual day. I don't want a pity-party, it's just my reality for today. It's part of my reality every day but some days are easier than others. It took me a long time to come to terms with these emotions and feelings of inadequacy. I'm doing better now but I still have quite a way to go.


I'm starting another round of treatments today. While my heart fills with a renewed hope, my head fills with renewed doubt, fear and hate for my body.

Jack is displeased.

He's been the biggest brat in the world since Js has been gone (4 whole days!) and he's driving me absolutely mental.

I've had on average 3-4 hours of quality sleep per night. He knocks shit off my dresser, pats-pats-pats with his feet on my mirror which makes it go cu-clunk-cu-clunk against the wall, meows endlessly, licks my elbows raw, eats my hair... I could go on but I'm too tired.

He's now started to open ALL the kitchen cupboard doors while I'm at work - according to his normal cycle, there are 2 more days of shit to put up with once he starts with the kitchen cupboards - and emptying out the garbage bin ev.ery.where. Oy.

Today, I decided to come home for lunch and look who greeted me at the door, looking quite pleased with himself :

Yes, it's a magic eraser... yes, it's chewed to shits. I mean, sure, a dog could make considerably more damage to a wee sponge but consider that Jack weighs about 11 pounds. This is the most I've caught him eat so I've been following him around the house, paper towel in hand, ready to clean up a steaming pile of vom. Nothing to declare so far.

He misses his daddy so bad it's nuts. There is too much pet love for a single person in this household!

Home is where your cat is.

I never thought I could miss a little fuzzy thing like my Jacko so damn much. Yes, I do miss Js and Nova and everyone else but missing Jack's been pretty difficult in this whole situation.

I miss Js with all my heart but I can call him, I know he's there for me and thinking about me while I'm away. I know he wishes he could be here with me during this difficult time to support me and my family and that is incredibly comforting.

Since I adopted Jack 5 years ago (already!), he's always been there. I've always been able to find comfort in snuggling my nose in his neck and falling asleep to his soft purr. When old boyfriends dumped me, when Js left, when Js came back, when Js left again and came back again and left again, when I decided I was moving wherever Js got posted, when I found out it was Saskatchewan, when I miss my family, when I opened up old wounds to learn to live again - Jack was always there. He's my constant and when I look at him, I know I'm where I should be. It's silly really, to attach such a huge emotional hook to a small kitty cat who can't even talk let alone understand everything that I rely on him for. Maybe it's just that. He's there no matter how much I depend on him, he can't talk back and he lets me make my own decisions and just snuggles.

The challenges that I've faced this week definitely call for a very long snuggles session between Jacko and me to restore my strength and courage. He's 3000kms away and it sucks.

Saturday Night Musings

I'm watching last year's chick flicks on W, vaccumming and doing the dishes.
I've also considered reorganizing the entrance closet but I'll save that for later I think.

Yep, I'm lame.

Js is coming back from Montreal tomorrow and it's not one moment too soon! I enjoyed my time alone and I'm sure he had a great time visiting family and friends but one week is well enough, I think. Especially with my ear infection and sporadic spinning fits, it hasn't been easy taking care of the dog and doing everything I planned to. I've been off work since Tuesday, Dr's orders, so it's been a long week of napping, spinning, olympic-watching and online-procrastinating. Pure bliss? Strangely so.

It's been a while since I've spent this much time at home. I haven't taken any vacation time for myself or been off work for health reasons for this long before. Right now I'm well enough that I can function at home but not quite sure how I'll be able to funtion at work on Monday. I sort of felt like I did before I started working ; I felt more motivated to do the things I like and I had more energy to do them that normal even though I was groggy from the medication and most times couldn't even stand straight.

I think that says a lot about how I feel towards my job right now. Drained. Every other aspect of my life that's been sucky lately has been wonderfull over the last 2 weeks. Coincidence, I think not!

What am I going to do about it?! Not much I can do right now. I need a plan.

Weekends Alone

The weekend's come and gone and I didn't even notice it.

Well, that's a lie. I did notice it. I slept in until 10am and didn't hear a familiar phone ringing in my ear from 8 to 4. Surprisingly enough, this weekend was total bliss. I didn't have to do anything, I just did things as I wanted to and it was wonderful. It's been so long since I've had that luxury, I miss it. I baked. I did some laundry. I vacuumed. I watched mid-day movies on W.

Why the sudden change of weekend plans, you ask? Yes, you guessed it, Js was working!! :)

When his schedule changed and he told me he was going to have to work weekends now, I thought it sucked giant amounts of sucking. Well this past weekend has proven me wrong. It was so wonderful to have the house to myself - I actually ended up doing more housework and productive stuff than when he's home with me.

With his schedule and mine, we're almost always home at the same time. I'm not complaining because I know how much it sucks to be apart for months and months. On the other hand, always having them around is a complete 180 on what I've come to define as "normal" over the last couple of years.

In about a month, we will have lived together for a complete year. Oh my!

As long as he works weekends, I know I'll have 2 days a week to regain my sanity. I'm looking forward to this change of pace, at least for a short while.

Now if it could just be Friday again... ... ...

Let's pretend I can still say "early twenties"...

So this is it, my big birthday weekend is over and I have to say it wasn't nearly as horrible as I'd made it up to be in my mind. I had a great time and everything turned out great.

This is, not only my first birthday away from home, but my first special event that I don't get to spend with my family and close friends. I've been lucky enough and Js has been able to come home for all my birthdays so far (Even if it meant him not sleeping for over 48 hours and involving a 6 hour bus ride.) but this one was just totally out of the question for us. With him in Cornwall on course and me out here, trying to find work and getting settled, there was no way either of us could travel the distance for a short weekend.

Needless to say, knowing this far enough in advance, I'd envisioned my birthday to be a painful day-long torture of tears and sadness. *drama* I knew I was going to miss my family the most that day and I knew it would be hard for my parents to since I wasn't at home to celebrate with them. Overall, it was good. I spent the entire weekend with friends and not by my sad, sad lonesome as I envisioned.

I got a gazillion packages and cards on Friday but couldn't wait until Saturday to open them so I did. It put me in a great mood and then I went over to a friends house for dinner and some partying. The food was good and they even got me a cake! I felt so spoiled! We went out and got totally trashed (Classy, I know!) but the night was great. I went to bed that night feeling (although immensely intoxicated) happy and very satisfied with the evening.

When I woke up the next morning, it was a completely different story. It's like my body did a 180 and said "Eff you, Youth!" I could barely drag my sorry arse to the washroom and splash some cold water on my face. The day was excruciating. It took me a good 2 hours to be able to find/retrieve my phone and then another hour to muster enough energy to return my 4 missed calls from family wanting to wish me a happy birthday. I crawled around the house all day, drank a lot of fluids and avoiding any sudden movements.

I went to bed thinking "I'm still young! I can still party! Oh yeah!" and woke up thinking "Why do I feel like I drank an entire bucket of hot sauce?"

Then, I figured it out. This is what if feels like to go from "early twenties" to "late twenties". Good to know!