Moment of Reality

I'm having a sucky this-whole-infertility-stuff sucks a whole lot more than usual day. I don't want a pity-party, it's just my reality for today. It's part of my reality every day but some days are easier than others. It took me a long time to come to terms with these emotions and feelings of inadequacy. I'm doing better now but I still have quite a way to go.


I'm starting another round of treatments today. While my heart fills with a renewed hope, my head fills with renewed doubt, fear and hate for my body.

Oy.

I've been having issues with blogging these past few weeks. It's kind of hard for me because I'm so used to spilling my guts on here and venting to my trusted readers. Mostly, it's been difficult because being able to read what I write on here gives me an outside-perspective that I really need and without that, I tend to spiral into the abyss that is my brain. Save me!

This Charlie-Brown-Cloud has been looming over my head and consuming my every thought and until I'm ready to admit it to myself and able to deal with it all, I won't be comfortable blogging about it. Believe me, I tried. I just can't bring myself to put words to keyboard and blurt it out into cyberspace.

It's so odd to me, not being able to keep a pulse on my emotions and I totally admit that it's a control thing. Totally. Until I get over my damn self and learn to deal with it, I'll have to try harder at blogging about something else.

Anything else.

I guess I'll know I've fully accepted it once I'm finally able to blog about it.