Moment of Reality

I'm having a sucky this-whole-infertility-stuff sucks a whole lot more than usual day. I don't want a pity-party, it's just my reality for today. It's part of my reality every day but some days are easier than others. It took me a long time to come to terms with these emotions and feelings of inadequacy. I'm doing better now but I still have quite a way to go.


I'm starting another round of treatments today. While my heart fills with a renewed hope, my head fills with renewed doubt, fear and hate for my body.

I have been tenderized.

Last night, I finally got an appointment with an RMT (Registered Massage Therapist) - she was recommended to me eons ago and I never got around to seeing her. I've been having intense migraines and I knew something was up with my neck and upper back so a week ago, I decided to give it a shot. She was booked solid until mid-July which totally sucked but she called me yesterday and said if I could come over in 10 minutes, she could see me. I think we may have run a stop sign or two... but we made it on time.

SO worth every penny. Sweet bliss! Sure, I nearly drop kicked her when she reached out to my pectoral muscles through my arm pit... but I can't even being to explain the quality of sleep and just overall awesomeness I'm feeling today. Aside from the soreness, of course. I feel like I worked out for 10 hours straight. Luckily, I got a bit of a break because she only worked the upper part of my body - mainly shoulders and neck. I will definitely be seeing her again for all the other parts.

I had been to SPAs before and had relaxing massages by RMTs but it was never really anything technical or specific. She knew her shit and gave me exercises that I can do at home or at work to stretch so it'll hurt less (sweet jeezus) next time I see her.

I feel like a piece of tenderized meat and it's wonderful.

Curve ball is curved

You remember about a week ago, I posted about Js' deployment opportunities... well things changed twice in that same day. And then twice again since then.

I'm at a point where I don't want to know anything until he's packing his bags.

Torticollis - not nearly as classy as it sounds.

Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwie. There is never a dull moment in the life of moi. This morning was not any different - one more reason to hate Mondays.

I woke up with a sharp pain going up my arm. Thinking "what the eff!?" I went to get up and quickly realized that my arm was hurting because my neck was a ticking time bomb of pain and misery. I thought I'd just roll around in bed and try to loosen up the tight muscles. It's 7:30 am, I still have plenty of time to shake this off and get to work on time. I fell back asleep until approximately 8am and it only made things worst. I couldn't even move around in bed, I had to toss the pillow to rest my head directly on the mattress and stretch out my neck. I still had a splitting headache and paralyzing pain down my neck and into my shoulder.

Js got me one of those microwavable heat cushion-bag things and I rest that on my neck for a bit as I tried to get a hold of someone to cover my shift. I had to call my boss and let her know so she took care of most of it - bless her little heart. I quickly realized that I would have to go to the ER to at least get some medication and a doctor's note for the day today. That's when the fun began.

I attempted to get up 4 different ways before I asked Js to just pull on my hands so I could sit up. It hurt like all shit but it worked. Do you think my allergies would have given me the day off considering my predicament? No dice. Sneezing while trying not to move your head just hurts more.

Me : Can you get me my bra?
Him : Where is it?
Me : I don't know.
Him : Please be more specific...
Me : Somewhere in the room... on the floor?!
Him : Here.
Me : ... ... can you get me underwear?!
Him : *mumbles*
Me : Okay thanks, you can go now.

Trying to salvage what was left of my dignity I thought : I can fucking do this. I can put on my damn clothes, it can't hurt that much. I just have to be smart about it.

Ten minutes later, sitting on the edge of the bed with my underwear around my knees, my bra failing at doing anything it's supposed to... I was tempted to throw my iota of dignity out the window but that would require too much movement so I left it there, in a small pile by my feet.

Me : Baaaaaaaaabe?!
Him : What?!
Me : I need your help.
Him : Doing what? *comes up the stairs*
Me : ... ... *small-cry-face*
Him : *walks in* ... well that didn't go over very well, didn't it!?
Me : No. *sob*

He helped me get dressed, reached for my clothes as I attempted not to scream out bloody murder with every movement.

Me : You'll need to brush my hair.
Him : Hum, no. I don't know how.
Me : What do you mean you don't know how? You just brush.
Him : How?
Me : Just... brush.
Him : *blink* I feel like we're 70 years old.
Me : I guess I can just put a hair clip for now...

To stop him from seeing his life with me flash before his eyes and reconsider the whole wedding thing, I give up. So not only do I look like shit, I feel like shit. I'm wearing only clothes I could point to, my hair is a cottony mess due to my tossing and turning and I don't even want to dare trying to get into the shower. I'll bathe when I can do it on my own thank you very much.

Now, for the teeth brushing adventure. I had to brush my teeth with my left hand so I feel like I cleaned a third of my teeth. It took me a while to figure out the spitting thing - I worked out a very unclassy system and now, it seems, there is toothpaste everywhere. Take sip of water from cup, rinse, spit in cup, rinse cup, try to ignore mocking boyfriend, repeat.


We made our way to the ER  and I got a prescription and some work restrictions. I can't lift, push or pull anything over 2 kilos - said the pretty pretty doctor with an accent. We went to Wal-Mart to get the pills and picked up a season of The Office for my entertainment today. I'm lucky it's Js' day off (he's not!) because he's home to take care of me. By "taking care" I mean - fluffing my pillow and watching me drool as I sleep away the pain.

Paririe Sinus Solution : Neti Pot

Disclaimer : I am not writing this to discourage future buyers of Neti Pot by SinuCleanse. The bellow story of humiliation is simply for pure entertainment and as a warning to read all effing instructions carefully before attempting to shove (or pour) anything into any orifice. That's good then, right!?

My friend Erin first told me about the Neti Pot when I was complaining endlessly about my sinuses. Since moving to Saskatchewan, I've been having really really mad allergies. I'm fin'd though.

I've come up with a little little cocktail of medication I can take that at least get me through my day at work if I take it at a very precise time. The headaches, wide-awake until 4am and the sneezes have gone from constant to sometimes which is about a million times better than what it was last year.

I thought I should try the Neti Pot to clear my sinuses and give my nose a fighting chance. I read the label on the box about a million times before I decided to go for it. I'm really really not cool with sticking cold jets of lava up my nose and that's why Erin (and probably Nick too at some point) recommended the Neti Pot.

Js had to go to a function last night in Regina so I decided, what better time to give it a try and not be humiliated. I don't know what I had pictured in my mind and how I imagined the Neti Pot worked - possibly that you just stare at it and the mucus just magically disappears. I was wrong. I read the instructions carefully, and then again. Begin very careful not to read item number six on the list.

The way it works : You fill a little tea-pot-ish looking thing with water and solution. You tip your face a very awkward way over the sink. Your pour the liquid down one nostril and it comes out the other one. Voila.

I'm one of those who can't even go under water without pinching my nose so I started to think the experience just might be a bit less magical than I had anticipated. I decided to have dinner and then give it a shot. After dinner, I read the instructions again and the humiliation of using my nose as a water filtration system did not seem half as bad as the mental image of me dying on the kitchen floor, chocking on my own mucus and saline solution. As such, I decided to wait until Js came home... which didn't happen until 10:30pm.

I told him about my evening and hesitation with the Neti Pot. He didn't believe me when I told him what I actually had to do with it. I gave him the instructions to read while I prepared (wayyyy too much) gentle solution.

Note : On the front side of the instructions it says to start with one packet of dry ingredients mixed with water and then gradually work your way up to two packets when you're used to it. On the inside of the instruction booklet it says to start with half a packet for first time users and then work your way up to one. I did not read that. A whole packet doesn't do anything wrong... it just hurts more.

So there I am, holding up a little tea pot, spout up my nose, head tilted like the picture, bib and boyfriend who's trying his hardest not to laugh.

Me : Ow. Ow. Owwwwwwwwwwwwww.
Him : You're almost done!
Me : That's impossible. Don't lie. It doesn't help.
Him : Okay, well... you're really not done.
Me : I know. Owwwwwwwwwwwww.

Then the water finally starts dripping from my other nostril and it seems like the pain is almost over. It's true that you get used to it quite quickly I guess. There was still quite a burning feeling from the whole packet used but it was totally bearable. It was just awkward as shit. The whole time I'm thinking, this is totally brilliant, it cleans both nostrils at the same time so I don't have to endure this again. This really works, there's no way it can't. Look at me, I'll be mucus free by tomorrow!

Him : Huh...
Me : What?!
Him : Did you read this whole thing?!
Me : Clearly.
Him : Okay then.
Me : I'm almost done, I can see it. Get kleenex... quick!
Him : So you read that you have to blow your nose right after to get rid of everything yet you didn't bring any kleenex?!
Me : GET KLEENXE! OW! It's so grosssss!

I blow my nose gently as the book says and then promptly start cleaning the little pot thinking it went rather well. I look over and Js is looking at me with anticipation and a very large smile on his face.

Me : What?
Him : So you read this?
Me : Yeah. I did it right, no?!
Him : Yes, you did fine. But did you read all the way to #6?
Me : Yes. (I have no idea.)
Him : What does it say then?
Me : I don't recall...
Him : Repeat on the other side tilting your head in the opposite direction to clear the other nostril. (Not exactly what it says but you get the idea.)
Me : Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo! You are lying. Give me that. *reads* ... *defeated*

He, for some reason, thought it was very funny. I don't agree.

Note : So of course I did some research on this AFTER having bought and used it. I'm kind of glad I waited because I don't think I would have bought it having seen (yes, that's just what it looks like, minus the iota of dignity that woman has left) what came of my very intensive (google and wiki) research. Especially finding out that it is also referred to as nasal irrigation.

My legs, in pain they are.

Owwwie. Day 2 of my return to the retail world and my legs are not enjoying it. At all.

My legs have always been a lot stronger than my upper body. Mainly because they have to drag my trunk full of junk all day. Also because I started skiing when I was six and as a very nice doctor once put it, they are abnormally fat. I like the term muscular better myself but eh...

I'll get back into the swing of things eventually and I promise to stop complaining. In the mean time... owwwie.

I've also started driving stick (Nicholas, get your mind out of the gutter, woman!) and have been doing good - driving by myself to and from work today for the very first time - for the last 3 days. It's working out some weird muscles in my left leg because of the shifting and for some strange reason, some muscles in my left arm are complaining too. I think it's from being so nervous when I'm driving.

It's still weird getting used to driving and having to manage our schedules and our time around only one vehicle - especially since my work hours is so all over the place. We'll get the hang of that too eventually...

If you'll excuse me, I'll go beg Js for a leg massage now.

Call me Dizzy McPain

Over the last couple of days, I've been feeling very dizzy and achy. Migraines galore. Last Friday was the worst. We had Chinese take-out at our friends' and watched a movie and all was great. When we got home, I couldn't even stand straight and went straight to bed. I wanted to hurl, I was so nauseous. I couldn't even open my eyes because everything was spinning uncontrollably.

Yesterday, my coworker said she had something similar last year and it was all due to an ear infection. In the afternoon, I had to hold on to my desk to keep my butt firmly secured on my chair. I had a hard time getting to and from the copy machine but powered through the day just because I had so much stuff to do.

Near the end of the work day, I emailed my boss and told her I'd be visiting a doctor this morning if things didn't get better. Well it didn't and the very nice Doctor at the walk in clinic said I have an ear infection and a pretty good one at that.

I've got drops and antibiotics and I'm off work until Friday. It's bittersweet really. I'm all for getting the time off work - but that means I'll have a shite load of stuff to do when I get back on Monday AND I'm so dizzy, I can't even use my days to do anything but lay there and try to stand on my feet.

I can't do anything too physical because I never know when I'll smack my face on the ground and I can't stare in one place for too long because I get a headache from trying to focus. Lovely.

I just hope this all goes away by this weekend and we can have a semi-normal valentine's day celebration. :(