Mother's Day musings

Mother's day has become for me a day I really wish stopped existing when my mother stopped existing. I mean, yes I still recognize that she was my mom and she loved me with every ounce of her being and she will never ever be replaced or forgotten. But having a whole day dedicated to this special and unique bond to have with one individual is very difficult when it's a constant reminder that this person isn't there anymore.

The last two years have been especially hard since becoming a mother myself was all I really wanted out of life but for some reason it just wouldn't happen. No one could explain to me why and reassure me with certainty that it would actually ever be.

So I stuck my head as deep in the sand as it would possibly go and counted down the hours for the day to be over. I woke up late, went to bed early, and tried to stay away from any sort of Hallmark store.

This year, my emotions are conflicted and I'm having a really hard time dealing with them... or at least understanding what I'm feeling.

I can feel the same dread creep on when people talk about their plans for Mother's day. I wish it wasn't there to remind me that my mother is not. It's a kind of loneliness that really doesn't get any resolve of any kind.

On the other hand, I'm happy to finally have been blessed with becoming a mom-to-be. An event I never thought I would get to celebrate... yet, I can't seem to because of this gray cloud hanging over my head. And that makes me feel so guilty.

Why can't I leave it aside and embrace the fact that my little ones are on their way? Why can't I truly appreciate their existence (and the fact that they are tap-dancing on my bladder has nothing to do with it)? I am so grateful to be where I'm at today and sit here as I get my innards punched and kicked and squeezed - why can't it be just that simple?

Mother's day is still a few weeks away and I hope I get some better grasp and understanding of my feelings by then. That I can enjoy the day for what it's worth to me now and maybe these babies will help me redefine this day into something new. Something magical I can't even being to understand right now... I have to give myself some time.

Hello Body - Nice to meet you!

I haven't always loved my body. Hell, I haven't always liked it even but I've been able to maintain it relatively healthy and able to work with what I've got. Since getting pregnant, I've discovered things about my body that I never expected to come out of it growing two extra little wee bodies.

During the first trimester of my pregnancy I lost a lot of weight for many different reasons. I was feeling really nauseous at the beginning and I didn't want to take medication for it until I had passed the 3 month mark. Why? I don't know. I kept telling myself it couldn't be that bad, that it was normal to feel this way in the first trimester. By week 13 I was literally begging my doctor to do something to make it all go away magically and instantaneously. Also, a very common side effects from all the medication I was taking for fertility treatments is weight gain. How much does it suck to know that a side effect from a medication you're taking to help you get pregnant can actually reduce your chances getting pregnant? A lot.

In the long run, I lost over 13lbs in my first trimester. I was monitored every few weeks by my doctor but he wasn't worried because of all the reasons mentioned above. Plus, I already had some extra cushion for the pushin' so it's no like my or the babies' health were in danger.

Now, I'm in my second trimester and though my appetite is a little bit better I'm still not pilling on the pounds as the books say. I was a bit worried but I figure as long as I'm eating and keeping it down - nutrients are being absorbed and my babies are growing. Right?

I'm enjoying this whole "getting to know my body all over again" thing. It's not an advantage I expected from pregnancy. So many women hate their bodies while they are pregnant - they feel like it's not their own or like it's getting destroyed by the baby. So far, I'm really enjoying this new experience and appreciation of everything my body does for me when I'm not looking.

Getting back on track!

It's been way too long since I've taken the time to step back and look at my life and spew random thoughts, feelings, and opinions on here. Way too long. It's amazing (and terrifying) how quickly we can forget how important it is to just assess what's happening instead of reacting immediately. I miss that most when I don't blog, I think.

Enough of that!

I'm glad to be back! :) I'll be working on revamping the look and branding of the blog a bit to go along with the semi-new direction I'm hoping to take it.

For those who haven't figured it out yet from my (not so) subtle posts back in December... We're having BABIES!! Yes, plural. A common "side effect" from our fertility treatments - though I don't know how I feel about calling my future children "side effects". Sure, babies are a side effect of having sex but with the dosage of medication I had to take... "side effects" doesn't have a very positive connotation in this context.

Enough about that for now. I've been keeping log of my thoughts and the conflicting (as per usual) ideas and opinions that keep me awake at night - or during my mid-afternoon nap - so I'm looking forward to putting them all to computer screen and sharing them. Thoughts I never thought I would even consider but now looking at the world through the still wee eyes of these wee human beings that are currently, I can only assume, having a tap dancing contest - the world is a brand new magical and scary place. I'm all the more intrigued...

Haitus

Re: Previous announcement.

I'm going underground with posting on here just in case anything gets linked to Facebook which is the last thing I want right now. But I wanted you guys to know and couldn't keep it secret any longer.

In any case, if you've figured it out already, I ask that you don't post anything on Facebook or link my blog until February at least.

In the mean time I'm still going to be blogging my thoughts but not publishing posts until it's safe to do so. I look forward to being back in early 2013 with tons of new posts and lots to talk about!

Moment of Reality

I'm having a sucky this-whole-infertility-stuff sucks a whole lot more than usual day. I don't want a pity-party, it's just my reality for today. It's part of my reality every day but some days are easier than others. It took me a long time to come to terms with these emotions and feelings of inadequacy. I'm doing better now but I still have quite a way to go.


I'm starting another round of treatments today. While my heart fills with a renewed hope, my head fills with renewed doubt, fear and hate for my body.

Our Infertiliy Adventures - Comments



http://www.cafepress.ca/

For those of you who know me personally or who've been reading this blog for quite some time, you are probably wondering why anyone would ask me stupid questions knowing full well that a dry, sarcastic and probably very rude response is inevitable.

Here are my personal top choices:

"How come you guys don't have kids?"
SHIT HONEY! WE FORGOT THE KIDS IN THE CAR!

"So, no kids yet?"
No, we prefer to eat small children. We've had a couple... but... you  know..

"So, when are you guys going to start popping out kids?"
Well it does sound like a grand old time when you put it that way. 

The thing is, we can't blame people who don't know about our situation for asking these questions. How could they know, right? What irks me is when people we've known for a long time who are fully aware that we want children still ask us this question.

"Is it you or him that's the problem?"
Actually we both have a problem with people asking stupid questions.
or
Problem?! Thanks, I feel much better.
"Just relax."
 ... *slap*

"It'll work eventually."
I've been telling myself that for the last-three-fucking-years.

"Oh, just ride a bike backwards/do it in the shower/eat a pear/flap your ears, it worked for me!"
Well spank my ass and call me Nancy! I've been going through all these very uncomfortable medical procedures but really all I needed to do was toss a coin in a fountain at the mall?! Why aren't we there RIGHT NOW?!

"So, like, how is it not working?"
I don't know... on the topic of genitalia, did you take care of that rash?
Seriously, dude, don't ask me about the inner workings of my uterus in front of people. That's just fucking rude.

Our Infertility Adventures - Volume 2

The results are in and everything looks in order... except for one thing. It's kind of odd but that's what we were hoping for. The fact that this test came back negative means that we can get some help and get things moving... instead of going further down the "testing" road. Also, it means that we know what the problem is and it's a relatively easy fix - the best outcome we could hope for considering.

So right now we are looking at a few more weeks of medication, monitoring and daily testing of how I'm responding to the treatment. Until then, Js has to put up with my pretty intense PMS outbursts of bitchyness and hormotional fits.

It's encouraging because things are moving along at a nice pace and the faint light at the end of the tunnel (no disgusting pun intended) is finally looking a little brighter.

Just another quick update until we have more exciting (read: relevant!) news to share. :)