What not to say to a woman pregnant with twins

Now, don't get me wrong - I loved being pregnant. It wasn't always rainbows and butterflies but my pregnancy was relatively uneventful and I was able to enjoy the "magical time" although I doubt being nauseous 24\7, extra armpit hair, not being able to clip your toenails, and being an unstoppable disgusting nuclear-weapon-grade gas machine is anything remotely close to anyone's definition of "magical".

I loved my overgrowing belly and boobs. I loved feeling the babies kick and flip. I selfishly loved having them all to myself. I loved having tougher nails, thicker hair, and having to buy a whole new wardrobe.

However, being pregnant comes with having to deal with stupid people saying stupid things. Mind you, some people mean well and don't think they sound like an idiot but they do. And during this "magical" time, I was able to blame the hormones for being a rude sarcastic shrew. Now that my friends is truly magical!

Some idiot comments don't even warrant a response. Anything along the lines of "Whoa! You're HUGE!", "Are you sure you don't have two in there?", and "Sleep now while you can!" can only be ignored or drop kicked in the face but for the record:

A) When did it become acceptable to loudly comment on a stranger's size or physical appearance? How about I comment on your pajama pants, crazy WalMart lady?
B) There are two in there you wang. But if I tell you that I'll have to keep talking to you because you'll want to know shit that don't concern you. Lets leave the small beings inside my uterus out of this and both continue on our merry way before I cut you.
C) YOU CAN'T ACCUMULATE SLEEP!

Here are a few idiot comments we got during the pregnancy. I say "we" here because my husband got a few good ones too and normally if we're both present when graced with this wisdom, I let him handle the idiot for fear of getting sued or hurting the babies in the process of slapping a bitch.

Idiot: "Isn't it a bit early to announce your pregnancy to everyone?"
Do you realize you're pretty much saying "Well, you could still lose the babies" to a very hormonal pregnant woman? Do you? Because if you do, then you're most welcome to go fuck your hat.

Idiot: Oh twins! Do you know what they are?
Humans. They're humans. Yes I know what genders they are. And no it don't concern you. None of your fucking business is what they are.

Idiot: A boy and a girl - and on your first try! Well done!
First try? FIRST TRY? *fumes* After three years of trying to conceive, it's a well beaten path, my friend!

Idiot: A boy and a girl - are they identical?
No. One has a penis and the other one a vagina. How could they possibly be identical you wad?

Idiot: Twins - how did you manage that?
*walk away*

Idiot: You're never going to sleep again!
Thanks for the fucking great encouragement there asshole! I'll make sure to think about this gem of wisdom next time I'm elbow deep in poop at 3am.

Idiot: If you can get them on the same feeding schedule, it can't be that hard.
Oh reeeallllyyy? Is that how you did things when you had your twins? Oh right, you have no idea what you're saying and you are speaking straight out of your ass. Until my babies can tell the time and wear a teeny watch and use a teeny day planner I don't expect them to know what each other's schedule is like. 

That's all I got for now... I'm sure random strangers will continue to grace me with their nuggets of wisdom or insane questions and I hope to be able to continue to bring them here if not for your amusement, in hopes that some idiot will come across this and know how profoundly stupid they sound.

Hello Body - Nice to meet you!

I haven't always loved my body. Hell, I haven't always liked it even but I've been able to maintain it relatively healthy and able to work with what I've got. Since getting pregnant, I've discovered things about my body that I never expected to come out of it growing two extra little wee bodies.

During the first trimester of my pregnancy I lost a lot of weight for many different reasons. I was feeling really nauseous at the beginning and I didn't want to take medication for it until I had passed the 3 month mark. Why? I don't know. I kept telling myself it couldn't be that bad, that it was normal to feel this way in the first trimester. By week 13 I was literally begging my doctor to do something to make it all go away magically and instantaneously. Also, a very common side effects from all the medication I was taking for fertility treatments is weight gain. How much does it suck to know that a side effect from a medication you're taking to help you get pregnant can actually reduce your chances getting pregnant? A lot.

In the long run, I lost over 13lbs in my first trimester. I was monitored every few weeks by my doctor but he wasn't worried because of all the reasons mentioned above. Plus, I already had some extra cushion for the pushin' so it's no like my or the babies' health were in danger.

Now, I'm in my second trimester and though my appetite is a little bit better I'm still not pilling on the pounds as the books say. I was a bit worried but I figure as long as I'm eating and keeping it down - nutrients are being absorbed and my babies are growing. Right?

I'm enjoying this whole "getting to know my body all over again" thing. It's not an advantage I expected from pregnancy. So many women hate their bodies while they are pregnant - they feel like it's not their own or like it's getting destroyed by the baby. So far, I'm really enjoying this new experience and appreciation of everything my body does for me when I'm not looking.

Go Meesh Go!

Sending positive vibes and thoughts to fellow blogger and friend Meesh who's expecting a wee one any day now. I've had a blast following her belly story over at Life On The Farm - In The City with her weekly updates, her nesting urges and her gorgeous belly shots.

Now hurry on up so I can see pictures of Mini-Meesh!

Top 4 reasons why I didn't like The Back Up Plan

I'm not quite sure why I had medium expectations for this movie. I knew it wasn't going to be the best movie ever but for some very strange reason, I thought I'd like it more than I did. I think I was intrigued and charmed by the concept. Turns out, the plot is exactly what turned me off cold.

1. Predictably predictable
   This movie was so predictable it's unreal. No surprises, no twists, no nothing. It's like, when something is about to happen and you go "Oh, they're gonna do it!" ... *drum fingers* "Do it already so we can move the eff on so she can dump you so you can try to get her back ad nauseum.
    
2. He's not the dad. Get over it.
   So one of the big moments of the movie is when she gets mad at him for saying the babies aren't his. They are not. You got inseminated, you ninny. You can't be mad at him because he said something that's the absolute truth. There's a whole 3 hours (okay, probably more so like 15 minutes but it feels like 3 hours) of her being all depressed about it and all I wanted to do is shake the TV and scream.
   
   
3. Jennifer Lopez.
   
   
4. It makes me want to burn my bra.
   Oh look, finally a movie about a woman taking matters into her own hands and making it on her own! Wrong - she needs a man.
   Oh look, finally a movie about a single moms are not hippies but a reality? Wrong - they chant and hold hands.
   Oh look, finally a movie about a driven woman who sticks to her guns even when Mister Perfect comes along! Wrong - he's clearly more successful than her.

Ugh. Why does Hollywood still try to make movies starring Jennifer Lopez - do they not like money?