Breathing should not be this hard.

Of all things that cause mental blockages when it comes to blogging, I sort of wish this was one of them. I wish I could go on with my life without having to sporadically submit readers to a pity party but sadly, it ain't so. I hate pity. There are only a few things that insult me more than being pitied and I really wish I could find another adjective to describe this post...

Today is a rough one. It started out just fine but as we started getting ready for the Terry Fox run, something in my head went click and the anxiety started to build up. Why? ... I say, why not? It seems like all the shit that's been going on sort of accumulated into this great bit heaping pile of stink and decided to take a crap on my day.

Every time I thought about going somewhere public, standing in a crowd and being reminded constantly of how many people die of cancer each year, my blood seemed to just freeze in my veins and the fear of being pitied ensued. I remember what it was like at the Relay for Life. I was able to hold back until we left and ignore the way I was treated (read: figuratively spit on) by other team mates. I didn't know how I was going to make do today. If I was going to be able to keep a straight face and not bite anyone's head off and/or run away.

Since the topic of participating in the Terry Fox event again this year came up, I've been unable to shake the thought that while we were walking in it last year my mom was slowly and unknowingly dying on her couch taking vitamins and trying to fight this "cold".

I've been able to push the thought to the back of my mind until fives minutes before we left. I put on a brave face and got in the car.

As we drove out, I started thinking of what it would be like once we got there. I didn't know who else was going to be there and already being on the edge of my very fragile brain, the thought of being treated in the same way I was at the Relay for Life (or any other function really) just pushed me to the limit. The limit of everything. Of missing my Mom. Of missing my family. Of how unfair life can be sometimes. Of how anxious I am to leave this place. Of how I miss my true friends. Of my anxiety disorder.

Needless to say, I asked Js to turn the car around and take me back home. The fact that he had to go was a sort of blessing in a way. It allowed me to close the door behind me, collapse in the doorway and stay there as long as I wanted. I was angry, my heart was torn out of my chest again and I longed for something I know I can never have. It hurt but it felt good to allow myself to feel that way. It felt like I needed to fall apart to be able to get back up again.

I felt horrible for not going. For bailing on Js' run like that at the last minute. I wish I could be there right now to support him. To show that I am proud of him. That she would be too. I just don't have the balls.

They say time heals all wounds. I think that's a lie. Time does not heal all wounds, damaged tissue never truly heals. Sometimes, you stub your toe and it hurts a bit but you keep going and then sometimes you want to sit on the floor, rock back and forth and hold your pinky toe in your hands and sob. Today is one of those days. I know it's only a molehill compared to all the things I will have to do without her but if I want to sit on the floor and sob, no one is going to tell me I can't god dammit.

Why does "life" have to matter anyways...

Here I am, it's 1:23am and I'm blogging 'cause I can't sleep. Why, you ask? Well... I can't sleep because "life" is happening and part of said "life" is staying up at night worrying, thinking, overthinking, pondering and wondering. Sometimes, even hoping.

What do I really want to be doing right now!? Sleep? Nope. Watching a movie? Nope. Blogging? Nope. Sitting here crying more that my teeny little tear ducts can handle? Nope.

I want to be sitting on my best friend's door step, in the warmest winter suit known to mankind, waiting for tomorrow morning to happen so I can tell her that I love her. That is where I would be right now if life didn't matter. If I didn't have to work tomorrow morning and if I could friggen drive my friggen car. If I didn't have to be reasonable and responsible. I want to tell her that everything is going to work out and be okay and we shouldn't cry but we still need to.

I want to be snuggled on my best friend's couch with a warm blanket while he's making me chicken soup cause I'm sad and feeling gross. 'Cause that's what he does when I'm not having a great time, over-takes-care-of-me. We could be there for days trying to figure out how we are going to live so far apart. If life didn't matter right now, I'd probably drink too much have have to spend the night there. He'd let me sleep in his bed and he'd take the couch cause that's what friends do...

Why does life have to matter and stop me from doing what it seems matters most? I have 4 days left of work and an eternity of things left to do... I want to trash it all and just do what my heart really wants... but I can't because that would be a bit crazy? No? Isn't that what we call people who don't care about the outside world ; crazy?

As much as I want to be with Js and I can't wait to start living together and getting our lives on track, together, I just wish I could take everything that I have here, with me. It's going to be hard for me to be without my close friends. They've been around forever it seems and I can't even consider the thought of maybe imagining what my life would be like without them. It's way too scarry and dark. I'm not affraid one bit of loosing them. I know they will be there for me in their own way and I will be there for them as best I can. There is still so much in my life that I need to experience and I will do my best to help them be a part of it. I want to be a part of their lives even if I am away geographically.

It's going to be hard. Every tiny inch of the way is going to be so difficult, it's going to hurt... like ripping small shreads piece by piece... but we'll make it through cause we'll never be alone...

It's been a quiet weekend...

Not much is going on out of the ordinary on this side of things. I had Saturday and Sunday off due to some extra hours worked in the beginning of the week and I thought I would make the most of it. We thought about maybe going to Montreal for some partying and some pre-Holiday shopping, but the weather sucked and our mood sucked and decided to just hang around in the market and really not do anything at all. It worked out really really well (except for an emotional breakdown at Moulin de Provance-we'll get back to that later... or never!) and worry free.

This morning I am still in bed. Yes, it's 1:50am, it's still the morning to me. I woke up around noon and read and took it easy, my mom called to tell me they were leaving home and were going to be here around 2h30-ish and then Js called and we talked for 58 minutes.

58 minutes!!! That's huge! I don't think we ever talked for this long in the last year. Sure, we talked for hours and hours while he was up north, but we weren't even dating back then. It's kinda like how the sex stops when you get married, well the long phone conversations stop when you start dating.

We'll usually talk a couple of times a day for about 15-20 minutes. It's not because we don't want to talk to each other, it's just that we run out of things to say. This morning, we had a load of stuff to say and just talking randomly about the present and the future and it felt awesome! We talked about the pets we want to have and the places we want to go. We talked about our weekend and our plans for the next week. This and that and the other thing. I hadn't laughed like that with him in so long. I miss waking up next to him and talking until his back starts to hurt from laying down too long. (I think it's his back sending him a secret message saying it's time to make your girlfriend coffee!)

Moments like these give me the strength and courage I need until he comes back home again. It reminds me of how great we are together and reassures me that time and distance are not taking the best out of what we have together. These moments also make the wait unbearable. It reminds me of how much I want to be near him and be there for him. Reminds me of how much things are easier when he's around and life is so simpler when we come home to each other every night.

This past week, I've been cocooning a lot. Watching Friends on DVD by my self with a giant bowl of pop corn and a couple of candles to set the mood has been the highlight of my week. Did I mention that was on a Saturday night!? It felt good to stop and take some time for me instead of for work or for some Holiday shopping or what-ever-else needs to be done.

I think I'm going to make a point of planning at least one night a week of cocooning time. We do it when Js is around, why should I stop spending some downtime at home just because he's gone!?