--blank stare--

I must have started to write 8 different blog posts over the last two weeks. It's been especially difficult to but words to paper (computer screen?) because it's hard to figure out where to start. So many emotions that I can't even begin to explain and so many thoughts, I don't know where to start.

I'm settling in back at home and getting used to the new life. Coming back to a new job also means a totally new lifestyle for us but it'll all work out in the end. I've been keeping busy with friends, work and some stuff I've been meaning to do around the house. Let's hope that lasts me long enough so I can get back to semi-normal life.

Yesterday I had a moment. I talked to my Dad on the phone and it was just a reminder of how far away he is. It's easy to pretend that he just lives down the street, that my Mom is just at work. When reminders come along, that's when it gets rough. I can't just call her at work or leave her a Facebook message asking her to call me later. She won't. She's gone and I don't want to be reminded.

Mom

We said farewell to my Mom last Tuesday night. She gave in to a massive infection after two days of struggles. Her cancer was so advanced that her body couldn't climb back up - even if it had, she would have had maybe one or two weeks until the cancer took over and her body start to shut down. She went peacefully surrounded by loved ones.

Thanks for being here, reading and lending me a shoulder to get through this.

Home is where your cat is.

I never thought I could miss a little fuzzy thing like my Jacko so damn much. Yes, I do miss Js and Nova and everyone else but missing Jack's been pretty difficult in this whole situation.

I miss Js with all my heart but I can call him, I know he's there for me and thinking about me while I'm away. I know he wishes he could be here with me during this difficult time to support me and my family and that is incredibly comforting.

Since I adopted Jack 5 years ago (already!), he's always been there. I've always been able to find comfort in snuggling my nose in his neck and falling asleep to his soft purr. When old boyfriends dumped me, when Js left, when Js came back, when Js left again and came back again and left again, when I decided I was moving wherever Js got posted, when I found out it was Saskatchewan, when I miss my family, when I opened up old wounds to learn to live again - Jack was always there. He's my constant and when I look at him, I know I'm where I should be. It's silly really, to attach such a huge emotional hook to a small kitty cat who can't even talk let alone understand everything that I rely on him for. Maybe it's just that. He's there no matter how much I depend on him, he can't talk back and he lets me make my own decisions and just snuggles.

The challenges that I've faced this week definitely call for a very long snuggles session between Jacko and me to restore my strength and courage. He's 3000kms away and it sucks.

Hard

A lot of things in life are hard. Like rocks or the table's leg against my pinky toe.

I consider myself a pretty strong person. I have my moments of weakness but overall I keep a strong face and cry in the shower like everyone else.

This past week's been quite testing. With my Mom at the hospital, I've had to face some very unexpected situations and put on my game face for the rest of the world. Yes, I know I'm allowed to be sad and upset and fed up. Yes, yes I know.

Today, I added a couple notches to my strength belt. My Mom being drugged up and unable to string two or three words together, my Dad and I had to answer the Doctor's questions when it came to her wishes as far as efforts to keep her alive should anything happen while in ICU. To look a total stranger straight in the face and share something so intimate, so devastating.

It's scratching away at the very last and very thin layer of denial that I have left. Exposing the wound in all it's magnitude and pouring in the salt.

and it's only the beginning.

Up in the air

Everything is.

Yesterday, Js came to see me at work. We stepped out of the store and he told me he just got a call from my Dad. Automatically, I thought something had happened to my grand-pa... little did I know.

My Mom was at the hospital - they found two lumps and they are waiting on more test results.

It took me a while to let it sink in - I don't think it has fully yet - and I called my aunt right away. I knew she would have more information than what Js got from my Dad. Talking to planes and speaking to a sobbing father-in-law on the phone is apparently not as easy as it sounds. I finally got a hold of her at work and it did not sound good. She gave me a bit more info and I told the girls at work I was going home.

Js force fed me a sandwich and then we booked a flight for me to come to Ontario today. So here I am. Using my Mom's computer (which doesn't have spell check so forgive my spelling and grammar) listening to my Dad snore and just waiting for the time difference to give up and let me sleep. It's only 9pm for me... I've had quite a long day and tomorrow looks promising.

It's like everything's been thrown up in the air and we're just sitting here, waiting for it all to fall back down. Either it falls back down into place and the world goes on or it doesn't and well... we'll cross that bridge when we get there.

For now, sleep.

Go Meesh Go!

Sending positive vibes and thoughts to fellow blogger and friend Meesh who's expecting a wee one any day now. I've had a blast following her belly story over at Life On The Farm - In The City with her weekly updates, her nesting urges and her gorgeous belly shots.

Now hurry on up so I can see pictures of Mini-Meesh!

Top 4 reasons why I didn't like The Back Up Plan

I'm not quite sure why I had medium expectations for this movie. I knew it wasn't going to be the best movie ever but for some very strange reason, I thought I'd like it more than I did. I think I was intrigued and charmed by the concept. Turns out, the plot is exactly what turned me off cold.

1. Predictably predictable
   This movie was so predictable it's unreal. No surprises, no twists, no nothing. It's like, when something is about to happen and you go "Oh, they're gonna do it!" ... *drum fingers* "Do it already so we can move the eff on so she can dump you so you can try to get her back ad nauseum.
    
2. He's not the dad. Get over it.
   So one of the big moments of the movie is when she gets mad at him for saying the babies aren't his. They are not. You got inseminated, you ninny. You can't be mad at him because he said something that's the absolute truth. There's a whole 3 hours (okay, probably more so like 15 minutes but it feels like 3 hours) of her being all depressed about it and all I wanted to do is shake the TV and scream.
   
   
3. Jennifer Lopez.
   
   
4. It makes me want to burn my bra.
   Oh look, finally a movie about a woman taking matters into her own hands and making it on her own! Wrong - she needs a man.
   Oh look, finally a movie about a single moms are not hippies but a reality? Wrong - they chant and hold hands.
   Oh look, finally a movie about a driven woman who sticks to her guns even when Mister Perfect comes along! Wrong - he's clearly more successful than her.

Ugh. Why does Hollywood still try to make movies starring Jennifer Lopez - do they not like money?