Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Mother's Day musings

Mother's day has become for me a day I really wish stopped existing when my mother stopped existing. I mean, yes I still recognize that she was my mom and she loved me with every ounce of her being and she will never ever be replaced or forgotten. But having a whole day dedicated to this special and unique bond to have with one individual is very difficult when it's a constant reminder that this person isn't there anymore.

The last two years have been especially hard since becoming a mother myself was all I really wanted out of life but for some reason it just wouldn't happen. No one could explain to me why and reassure me with certainty that it would actually ever be.

So I stuck my head as deep in the sand as it would possibly go and counted down the hours for the day to be over. I woke up late, went to bed early, and tried to stay away from any sort of Hallmark store.

This year, my emotions are conflicted and I'm having a really hard time dealing with them... or at least understanding what I'm feeling.

I can feel the same dread creep on when people talk about their plans for Mother's day. I wish it wasn't there to remind me that my mother is not. It's a kind of loneliness that really doesn't get any resolve of any kind.

On the other hand, I'm happy to finally have been blessed with becoming a mom-to-be. An event I never thought I would get to celebrate... yet, I can't seem to because of this gray cloud hanging over my head. And that makes me feel so guilty.

Why can't I leave it aside and embrace the fact that my little ones are on their way? Why can't I truly appreciate their existence (and the fact that they are tap-dancing on my bladder has nothing to do with it)? I am so grateful to be where I'm at today and sit here as I get my innards punched and kicked and squeezed - why can't it be just that simple?

Mother's day is still a few weeks away and I hope I get some better grasp and understanding of my feelings by then. That I can enjoy the day for what it's worth to me now and maybe these babies will help me redefine this day into something new. Something magical I can't even being to understand right now... I have to give myself some time.


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