Moment of Reality

I'm having a sucky this-whole-infertility-stuff sucks a whole lot more than usual day. I don't want a pity-party, it's just my reality for today. It's part of my reality every day but some days are easier than others. It took me a long time to come to terms with these emotions and feelings of inadequacy. I'm doing better now but I still have quite a way to go.


I'm starting another round of treatments today. While my heart fills with a renewed hope, my head fills with renewed doubt, fear and hate for my body.

Coming out of the Infertility Closet

There you have it. The cause for this blog-funk I've been stuck in over the last several months. I guess I was always hoping things would work out and I'd never have to bore anyone with my pitty-party posts.

Then, the new year came around and I realized how much I missed blogging and how much self-awareness it gave me. I decided I would just climb out of this whole and get back into the routine that used to bring me such comfort. For that, I need to wipe the slate clean and "come out of the closet" if you will.

I'm not entirely ready to post about it just yet and to go into much detail but I'll say this; it's been nearly three years since we started trying and I've been poked and prodded more than I care to remember over the last six months. We're still in the testing phase to see what's not working and why before we start fixing the broken pieces... if it's at all possible. So we know something's broken, just don't know what yet. But 97% of chances are that it's my biscuit that's busted. That's all we know so far...

So here's to 2012... to getting back to the old habits of positive and constructive posts. :)

Breathing should not be this hard.

Of all things that cause mental blockages when it comes to blogging, I sort of wish this was one of them. I wish I could go on with my life without having to sporadically submit readers to a pity party but sadly, it ain't so. I hate pity. There are only a few things that insult me more than being pitied and I really wish I could find another adjective to describe this post...

Today is a rough one. It started out just fine but as we started getting ready for the Terry Fox run, something in my head went click and the anxiety started to build up. Why? ... I say, why not? It seems like all the shit that's been going on sort of accumulated into this great bit heaping pile of stink and decided to take a crap on my day.

Every time I thought about going somewhere public, standing in a crowd and being reminded constantly of how many people die of cancer each year, my blood seemed to just freeze in my veins and the fear of being pitied ensued. I remember what it was like at the Relay for Life. I was able to hold back until we left and ignore the way I was treated (read: figuratively spit on) by other team mates. I didn't know how I was going to make do today. If I was going to be able to keep a straight face and not bite anyone's head off and/or run away.

Since the topic of participating in the Terry Fox event again this year came up, I've been unable to shake the thought that while we were walking in it last year my mom was slowly and unknowingly dying on her couch taking vitamins and trying to fight this "cold".

I've been able to push the thought to the back of my mind until fives minutes before we left. I put on a brave face and got in the car.

As we drove out, I started thinking of what it would be like once we got there. I didn't know who else was going to be there and already being on the edge of my very fragile brain, the thought of being treated in the same way I was at the Relay for Life (or any other function really) just pushed me to the limit. The limit of everything. Of missing my Mom. Of missing my family. Of how unfair life can be sometimes. Of how anxious I am to leave this place. Of how I miss my true friends. Of my anxiety disorder.

Needless to say, I asked Js to turn the car around and take me back home. The fact that he had to go was a sort of blessing in a way. It allowed me to close the door behind me, collapse in the doorway and stay there as long as I wanted. I was angry, my heart was torn out of my chest again and I longed for something I know I can never have. It hurt but it felt good to allow myself to feel that way. It felt like I needed to fall apart to be able to get back up again.

I felt horrible for not going. For bailing on Js' run like that at the last minute. I wish I could be there right now to support him. To show that I am proud of him. That she would be too. I just don't have the balls.

They say time heals all wounds. I think that's a lie. Time does not heal all wounds, damaged tissue never truly heals. Sometimes, you stub your toe and it hurts a bit but you keep going and then sometimes you want to sit on the floor, rock back and forth and hold your pinky toe in your hands and sob. Today is one of those days. I know it's only a molehill compared to all the things I will have to do without her but if I want to sit on the floor and sob, no one is going to tell me I can't god dammit.

Relay for Life

Js and I participated in the Relay for Life this year for the first time and it was a great experience. I couldn't stay all night because I had to come back home to Nova and get ready for today's Base wide garage sale. Js got home this morning at 7am and he really had a good time.

For the time I was there I did okay. I had a little moment as we left but otherwise, I took in the experience for all it's worth. I thought it was kinda sad that so many people on Js' team didn't really seem to care all that much about the event and what it stood for. I didn't let that affect me though and did what I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is Mother's Day and I really wish it wasn't. I've been doing an amazing job (I think) at living in denial and now, thanks to Hallmark my efforts are shot to hell.

Hopefully I get out of this rut and my little self-inflicted pity-party ends soon.

Phone reception

I'd forgotten what it felt like to hang up the phone not knowing when the next time we'll be able to talk will be. *sigh* I worked really really hard at not crying and almost succeeded.

The phone reception really really sucked in his room so I guess it's just a glimpse of how shitty we can expect satellite phones to be. Ugh. We couldn't find a straight answer on when/how often he'd be able to call home so I literally have not a hot clue of when I'll hear from him again.

Also, random thought : Funny how we say "phone reception" instead of "phone connection" with the digital era. :)

Finally, you can rest.

After a 5 year battle against cancer and a 5 month long hospital stay... my Grand-Pa can finally rest in peace. No more pain and suffering - he vowed he'd be out of the hospital for Christmas and he got his wish.

I had to fly back to Saskatchewan on the afternoon after he passed away and it was hard to leave my family behind when they are in so much pain. I made it through and now I'm supporting them as best I can from a distance.

Quiet

I know I've been slacking in the blog department recently. I'd like to say "I've had so much going on!" but that's not even an excuse. There really isn't that much happening... well... that much worth writing about. Life is just trucking along - business as usual.

But what have I been doing with all my free time? I haven't had that much, seriously. I've been keeping up with other online and offline projects. New job requires me to sit in front of a computer for most of the day so when I get home, I just want to sit there and turn off my brain.

I've been learning a lot about my surroundings, about myself and about my family within the past months since Mom passed away. I'm still taking it all in and most times, not really in the mood to share. I've been a bit more introvert than usual and I think it's a good thing.

I find lately I've been longing for silence. I find myself needing "quiet time" during the day - either when I get home from work or at night after dinner. I want to turn off the TV, unplug everything and just sit there with a cup of tea or a book. I've never had this longing before and it's really strange. I've just been rushed through so many emotions, I want a couple minutes to allow my mind to sit still.

I am not so much looking forward to the holidays this year. I'm going to be visiting my Dad and family mid-December and returning to Saskatchewan just in time to spend Christmas day with Js, Jack and Nova - a Christmas we didn't get to celebrate together last year. I know we made the right decision with regards to my trip home but I'm still struggling with knowing that my Dad will wake up by himself Christmas day.

--blank stare--

I must have started to write 8 different blog posts over the last two weeks. It's been especially difficult to but words to paper (computer screen?) because it's hard to figure out where to start. So many emotions that I can't even begin to explain and so many thoughts, I don't know where to start.

I'm settling in back at home and getting used to the new life. Coming back to a new job also means a totally new lifestyle for us but it'll all work out in the end. I've been keeping busy with friends, work and some stuff I've been meaning to do around the house. Let's hope that lasts me long enough so I can get back to semi-normal life.

Yesterday I had a moment. I talked to my Dad on the phone and it was just a reminder of how far away he is. It's easy to pretend that he just lives down the street, that my Mom is just at work. When reminders come along, that's when it gets rough. I can't just call her at work or leave her a Facebook message asking her to call me later. She won't. She's gone and I don't want to be reminded.

Hard

A lot of things in life are hard. Like rocks or the table's leg against my pinky toe.

I consider myself a pretty strong person. I have my moments of weakness but overall I keep a strong face and cry in the shower like everyone else.

This past week's been quite testing. With my Mom at the hospital, I've had to face some very unexpected situations and put on my game face for the rest of the world. Yes, I know I'm allowed to be sad and upset and fed up. Yes, yes I know.

Today, I added a couple notches to my strength belt. My Mom being drugged up and unable to string two or three words together, my Dad and I had to answer the Doctor's questions when it came to her wishes as far as efforts to keep her alive should anything happen while in ICU. To look a total stranger straight in the face and share something so intimate, so devastating.

It's scratching away at the very last and very thin layer of denial that I have left. Exposing the wound in all it's magnitude and pouring in the salt.

and it's only the beginning.

Up in the air

Everything is.

Yesterday, Js came to see me at work. We stepped out of the store and he told me he just got a call from my Dad. Automatically, I thought something had happened to my grand-pa... little did I know.

My Mom was at the hospital - they found two lumps and they are waiting on more test results.

It took me a while to let it sink in - I don't think it has fully yet - and I called my aunt right away. I knew she would have more information than what Js got from my Dad. Talking to planes and speaking to a sobbing father-in-law on the phone is apparently not as easy as it sounds. I finally got a hold of her at work and it did not sound good. She gave me a bit more info and I told the girls at work I was going home.

Js force fed me a sandwich and then we booked a flight for me to come to Ontario today. So here I am. Using my Mom's computer (which doesn't have spell check so forgive my spelling and grammar) listening to my Dad snore and just waiting for the time difference to give up and let me sleep. It's only 9pm for me... I've had quite a long day and tomorrow looks promising.

It's like everything's been thrown up in the air and we're just sitting here, waiting for it all to fall back down. Either it falls back down into place and the world goes on or it doesn't and well... we'll cross that bridge when we get there.

For now, sleep.

Under the weather...

These last couple days have sucked, to say the least. I've been feeling sickly - aches, shivers, sniffles and sore throat. Yep, sounds like first signs of a flu. FML. I've been packing some extra vitamin C and echinacea in hopes that my immune system would kick it up a notch. Sadly, it ain't so.

Also, my Grand-Pa's been having a hard time with his fight against cancer and he's been at the hospital in Ottawa for about a week now. My home town, where I grew up and where most of my family lives, is about 100kms east of Ottawa and when the local hospital can't handle your needs anymore, they ship you off to a bigger center like Ottawa. It's always a huge deal because it means that family members have to drive an hour to and from to visit and support their loved ones. In my grand-parents' case, it's an immense deal - it was a huge deal for them to go to the store so this is totally outside of their comfort zones.

My grand-ma got a call this morning that they had to operate on him right away so she and my aunt had to drive to Ottawa for her to sign the papers allowing them to do it. During the surgery, he stopped breathing on his own so now he's hooked up to machines.

That's all the info that I've got so far. I don't know why I'm blurting all this on here and probably don't make any sense. Just trying to cope with the fact that I'm 3000kms away. :(

That's all I've got.

Oh, and Nova lost her lunch about 15 minutes after I got home. Lovely.