Back to reality.

Oy! Getting back to work after three whole weeks of doing next to nothing was pretty exhausting today. Before the holidays I finished up with my first contract with this employer (covering a maternity leave) and went in for three half days between Christmas and New Year's to do my part, today I started a new contract which takes me well into September as far as secure employment goes. It was kind of odd starting a "new" job that I kinda sorta already did, in a place where I knew everyone and didn't have to ask where I put my lunch bag or where the bathrooms are. I'm super grateful for having the opportunity to keep working there and I really hope to get something permanent by the end of this to keep my employee status and have transfer options when/if we ever do get posted outta here. I don't even want to get started on posting options/possibilities/odds right now... ugh.

Friends invited us over for dinner after work and it was nice to spend some time with them and their kids and just hang. On the not-topic of postings... I will cry every tear in my body when they get posted out. Seriously. We knew them both individually before they even met each other... and here they are, three years and two kids later... they're part of our Moose Jaw Fam.

Three more of my very close friends are getting posted out this summer. Again, just to be clear... we're totally not talking about postings. It's going to be a very long and sobby summer for this gal, me thinks. Don't get me wrong, I'm super thrilled for them that their husbands are finally done their training and they can move on to a more permanent and more family (vs career) oriented posting but there's a wee part of me that's a tad selfish and kinda wish I could keep them here with me forever.

The transient nature of our lifestyle sorta struck me today when I over heard someone say, with a distinct French accent, that they were new here and were looking for info for something... I literally RAN over and yelled "Don't go anywhere! I need to talk to you!" in hopes of introducing myself and offering help if they needed anything to get settled. As I ran towards her, my desperate little mind went "Way to look like a loser." but she seemed SO happy to talk and so relieved that I approached her, my more reserved self immediately forgave my insane self for looking like a complete tool.

It made me realize that we're always loosing friends but they make room for the new ones. And when we're the ones moving, we leave some behind to go meet total strangers. We'll have at least one thing in common and that's a good enough place to start when you're all alone...

Breathing should not be this hard.

Of all things that cause mental blockages when it comes to blogging, I sort of wish this was one of them. I wish I could go on with my life without having to sporadically submit readers to a pity party but sadly, it ain't so. I hate pity. There are only a few things that insult me more than being pitied and I really wish I could find another adjective to describe this post...

Today is a rough one. It started out just fine but as we started getting ready for the Terry Fox run, something in my head went click and the anxiety started to build up. Why? ... I say, why not? It seems like all the shit that's been going on sort of accumulated into this great bit heaping pile of stink and decided to take a crap on my day.

Every time I thought about going somewhere public, standing in a crowd and being reminded constantly of how many people die of cancer each year, my blood seemed to just freeze in my veins and the fear of being pitied ensued. I remember what it was like at the Relay for Life. I was able to hold back until we left and ignore the way I was treated (read: figuratively spit on) by other team mates. I didn't know how I was going to make do today. If I was going to be able to keep a straight face and not bite anyone's head off and/or run away.

Since the topic of participating in the Terry Fox event again this year came up, I've been unable to shake the thought that while we were walking in it last year my mom was slowly and unknowingly dying on her couch taking vitamins and trying to fight this "cold".

I've been able to push the thought to the back of my mind until fives minutes before we left. I put on a brave face and got in the car.

As we drove out, I started thinking of what it would be like once we got there. I didn't know who else was going to be there and already being on the edge of my very fragile brain, the thought of being treated in the same way I was at the Relay for Life (or any other function really) just pushed me to the limit. The limit of everything. Of missing my Mom. Of missing my family. Of how unfair life can be sometimes. Of how anxious I am to leave this place. Of how I miss my true friends. Of my anxiety disorder.

Needless to say, I asked Js to turn the car around and take me back home. The fact that he had to go was a sort of blessing in a way. It allowed me to close the door behind me, collapse in the doorway and stay there as long as I wanted. I was angry, my heart was torn out of my chest again and I longed for something I know I can never have. It hurt but it felt good to allow myself to feel that way. It felt like I needed to fall apart to be able to get back up again.

I felt horrible for not going. For bailing on Js' run like that at the last minute. I wish I could be there right now to support him. To show that I am proud of him. That she would be too. I just don't have the balls.

They say time heals all wounds. I think that's a lie. Time does not heal all wounds, damaged tissue never truly heals. Sometimes, you stub your toe and it hurts a bit but you keep going and then sometimes you want to sit on the floor, rock back and forth and hold your pinky toe in your hands and sob. Today is one of those days. I know it's only a molehill compared to all the things I will have to do without her but if I want to sit on the floor and sob, no one is going to tell me I can't god dammit.

Wedding Update : Sobbing like a little child

Warning : This ain't gonna be pretty but don't be alarmed, all's fine and dandy!

I went to our friends' rehearsal to keep company. Js is in the wedding party so I was invited to tag along - I ended up playing usher and might for the actual wedding too depending on Uncle Terry's availability. I have no idea who that is.

Anyways... so yeah. My friend Natasha walked down the isle and my friend Curtis was already crying - yes, it was only the rehearsal - and everything was just so lovey dovey, I got all choked up. I am going to sob like a teeny child tomorrow, I can tell. Natasha has a little boy he's three and he's pretty much the cutest thing ever. (As I post this, I realize I've never written about his cuteness before; stay tuned!) He was so good and standing there so proud by his mom and Curtis. For some reason, that kid a-d-o-r-e-s Js and it was so cute because he kept looking at how Curtis and Js were standing and trying to be like them. Awh.

All these emotions and being so happy for my friends just sent me on a spiral of emotions. How much of a mess am I gonna be when our turn comes? Oh my!

What if I make my ugly-cry face walking down the isle and everyone can see it?
What if the photographer can't get a good photo because my face is all red and blotchy from trying in vain to hold back the tears?
What if everyone thinks I'm crying because I'm walking to my doom?

I want to be a happy and lovely bride. I don't want to be my sappy and emotionally unstable self - just for that one day. Please?!

Enough ramblings, I have a ton of things to do to get ready for tomorrow. I have to go in to work in the AM then rush home, change, rush to the church, coach Uncle Terry, sob uncontrollably, run back home, feed the dog, get back to the mess for the reception and try to look alive.

Emotional breakdown begins... now.

Sob. Sob. Sob. It's all I seem to be able to do these past couple of days. It's the only thing I do with any motivation. Not that I want to be an emotional wreck but it just seems to be the only thing I can justify doing. I have to-do lists the length of my arm yet I don't seem to be able to peel myself away from the nostalgia of leaving this place, this city, my family and friends. Everything always seems to be gravitating around that and it makes it hard for me to be productive doing the shit that needs to get done.

Part of me may think it's the evil evil denial wall of doom that just hit, part of me thinks it's just normal. Needless to say, I'm a bit confused about my feelings towards all of this.

My parents organized me a dinner, earlier this week, with my family and some close friends. I was really happy to see everyone enjoying themselves. I was strong and held a smiling face up until I got into Maggie's car for the drive back to Ottawa. I was so proud of myself for not breaking down in front of everyone. I knew I was going back home over the weekend to spend some quality time with my parents so I told a few people who I didn't get a chance to talk to as much as I would have liked that I'd drop by. Which is what I did today, hence this Saturday-night-sob-fest.

I'm really glad I did but now I can't stop crying. In an attempt at getting the feelings out, I wrote everyone who came to my dinner a thank you card which turned into more of a letter for some. It helped with the "getting over it" but not as much with the "getting some sleep" part.

Now, tomorrow (or maybe even tonight, depending on how much sleep I get) I have to finish up on all my pre-move cleaning/sorting. I'm going for breakfast with Jf to spend a bit of quality time and some preventive freak-out measures.

I have absolutely no clue what to expect when the movers walk in here on Monday morning. None. I hope Js has a good grasp on what's supposed to happen cause it's really all a blur on this side of things.

I've been waiting for so long for things to move so fast, my head is spinny.