Breathing should not be this hard.

Of all things that cause mental blockages when it comes to blogging, I sort of wish this was one of them. I wish I could go on with my life without having to sporadically submit readers to a pity party but sadly, it ain't so. I hate pity. There are only a few things that insult me more than being pitied and I really wish I could find another adjective to describe this post...

Today is a rough one. It started out just fine but as we started getting ready for the Terry Fox run, something in my head went click and the anxiety started to build up. Why? ... I say, why not? It seems like all the shit that's been going on sort of accumulated into this great bit heaping pile of stink and decided to take a crap on my day.

Every time I thought about going somewhere public, standing in a crowd and being reminded constantly of how many people die of cancer each year, my blood seemed to just freeze in my veins and the fear of being pitied ensued. I remember what it was like at the Relay for Life. I was able to hold back until we left and ignore the way I was treated (read: figuratively spit on) by other team mates. I didn't know how I was going to make do today. If I was going to be able to keep a straight face and not bite anyone's head off and/or run away.

Since the topic of participating in the Terry Fox event again this year came up, I've been unable to shake the thought that while we were walking in it last year my mom was slowly and unknowingly dying on her couch taking vitamins and trying to fight this "cold".

I've been able to push the thought to the back of my mind until fives minutes before we left. I put on a brave face and got in the car.

As we drove out, I started thinking of what it would be like once we got there. I didn't know who else was going to be there and already being on the edge of my very fragile brain, the thought of being treated in the same way I was at the Relay for Life (or any other function really) just pushed me to the limit. The limit of everything. Of missing my Mom. Of missing my family. Of how unfair life can be sometimes. Of how anxious I am to leave this place. Of how I miss my true friends. Of my anxiety disorder.

Needless to say, I asked Js to turn the car around and take me back home. The fact that he had to go was a sort of blessing in a way. It allowed me to close the door behind me, collapse in the doorway and stay there as long as I wanted. I was angry, my heart was torn out of my chest again and I longed for something I know I can never have. It hurt but it felt good to allow myself to feel that way. It felt like I needed to fall apart to be able to get back up again.

I felt horrible for not going. For bailing on Js' run like that at the last minute. I wish I could be there right now to support him. To show that I am proud of him. That she would be too. I just don't have the balls.

They say time heals all wounds. I think that's a lie. Time does not heal all wounds, damaged tissue never truly heals. Sometimes, you stub your toe and it hurts a bit but you keep going and then sometimes you want to sit on the floor, rock back and forth and hold your pinky toe in your hands and sob. Today is one of those days. I know it's only a molehill compared to all the things I will have to do without her but if I want to sit on the floor and sob, no one is going to tell me I can't god dammit.

Relay for Life

Js and I participated in the Relay for Life this year for the first time and it was a great experience. I couldn't stay all night because I had to come back home to Nova and get ready for today's Base wide garage sale. Js got home this morning at 7am and he really had a good time.

For the time I was there I did okay. I had a little moment as we left but otherwise, I took in the experience for all it's worth. I thought it was kinda sad that so many people on Js' team didn't really seem to care all that much about the event and what it stood for. I didn't let that affect me though and did what I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is Mother's Day and I really wish it wasn't. I've been doing an amazing job (I think) at living in denial and now, thanks to Hallmark my efforts are shot to hell.

Hopefully I get out of this rut and my little self-inflicted pity-party ends soon.

Do I have a heart?

... I guess a better question would be : is it fully functional?

I've noticed a pretty constant tendency among friends and acquaintances (thanks Facebook) and it's really making me feel ... odd. Lately, there seems to be more "Everything in my life is going super well, *insert name of deceased parent here* must have something to do with it!" or "Everything in my life is going to shit, *insert name of deceased parent here* help me please!" and I just can't seem to relate.

When things go well, I don't think it's because my Mom is watching over me and plucking out all the obstacles on my path. I don't think she's there, watching over my shoulder and changing my life as an "active player". Like pushing me out of the way when I'm dumb enough to run in front of a bus or keeping my workplace free of conflict in some weird way. I tend to think that the reason I don't run in front of a bus is because she thought me, as a kid, to look both ways before crossing the street. I also think that I'm happy at work because she's thought me to speak my mind and to face and resolve conflict when it gets in my way.

When everything is going to shite, I have a hard time thinking she's going to reach down (or sideways) and help me out. Yes, my memories of her are reassuring but that's what they are - memories. I dig down, look deeply into my shriveled little heart and find the strength to carry on as I would if she was still here. I always wanted to show her how strong I could be and how I could make it in this world on my own and she didn't need to worry about me even if I knew she did. Why would I stop doing that now? She thought me better than that - better than to give up and better than to rely on anything else than my own strength.

I think she gave me the tools to live my life as I do and be confident about my beliefs, my values and my self so that I could (try to) make the best decisions and when I didn't, to be able to deal with it. She always trusted me to make the best decisions for myself even if I haven't always been the sharpest tool in the shed - she knew I had the smarts to get out of it later. Her impact on my life is ongoing but it relies on everything she's thought me over the first 26 years of my life, everything from here on in is my own. My way to honor her is to show myself and everyone who knew her that she was an outstanding mother.

This is just the way I see things and how I deal with my own grief - it's not better or worse than any other way... I just wonder sometimes if I'm being insensitive or if I'm simply being me.

Status update : I've had it.

I have had it with stupid "will you dare repost this?" or "repost this as your status for one hour if you care" nonsense. Seriously. I'm furious with the world.

As my current status update shows...

Finally, you can rest.

After a 5 year battle against cancer and a 5 month long hospital stay... my Grand-Pa can finally rest in peace. No more pain and suffering - he vowed he'd be out of the hospital for Christmas and he got his wish.

I had to fly back to Saskatchewan on the afternoon after he passed away and it was hard to leave my family behind when they are in so much pain. I made it through and now I'm supporting them as best I can from a distance.

--blank stare--

I must have started to write 8 different blog posts over the last two weeks. It's been especially difficult to but words to paper (computer screen?) because it's hard to figure out where to start. So many emotions that I can't even begin to explain and so many thoughts, I don't know where to start.

I'm settling in back at home and getting used to the new life. Coming back to a new job also means a totally new lifestyle for us but it'll all work out in the end. I've been keeping busy with friends, work and some stuff I've been meaning to do around the house. Let's hope that lasts me long enough so I can get back to semi-normal life.

Yesterday I had a moment. I talked to my Dad on the phone and it was just a reminder of how far away he is. It's easy to pretend that he just lives down the street, that my Mom is just at work. When reminders come along, that's when it gets rough. I can't just call her at work or leave her a Facebook message asking her to call me later. She won't. She's gone and I don't want to be reminded.

Mom

We said farewell to my Mom last Tuesday night. She gave in to a massive infection after two days of struggles. Her cancer was so advanced that her body couldn't climb back up - even if it had, she would have had maybe one or two weeks until the cancer took over and her body start to shut down. She went peacefully surrounded by loved ones.

Thanks for being here, reading and lending me a shoulder to get through this.

Hard

A lot of things in life are hard. Like rocks or the table's leg against my pinky toe.

I consider myself a pretty strong person. I have my moments of weakness but overall I keep a strong face and cry in the shower like everyone else.

This past week's been quite testing. With my Mom at the hospital, I've had to face some very unexpected situations and put on my game face for the rest of the world. Yes, I know I'm allowed to be sad and upset and fed up. Yes, yes I know.

Today, I added a couple notches to my strength belt. My Mom being drugged up and unable to string two or three words together, my Dad and I had to answer the Doctor's questions when it came to her wishes as far as efforts to keep her alive should anything happen while in ICU. To look a total stranger straight in the face and share something so intimate, so devastating.

It's scratching away at the very last and very thin layer of denial that I have left. Exposing the wound in all it's magnitude and pouring in the salt.

and it's only the beginning.

Up in the air

Everything is.

Yesterday, Js came to see me at work. We stepped out of the store and he told me he just got a call from my Dad. Automatically, I thought something had happened to my grand-pa... little did I know.

My Mom was at the hospital - they found two lumps and they are waiting on more test results.

It took me a while to let it sink in - I don't think it has fully yet - and I called my aunt right away. I knew she would have more information than what Js got from my Dad. Talking to planes and speaking to a sobbing father-in-law on the phone is apparently not as easy as it sounds. I finally got a hold of her at work and it did not sound good. She gave me a bit more info and I told the girls at work I was going home.

Js force fed me a sandwich and then we booked a flight for me to come to Ontario today. So here I am. Using my Mom's computer (which doesn't have spell check so forgive my spelling and grammar) listening to my Dad snore and just waiting for the time difference to give up and let me sleep. It's only 9pm for me... I've had quite a long day and tomorrow looks promising.

It's like everything's been thrown up in the air and we're just sitting here, waiting for it all to fall back down. Either it falls back down into place and the world goes on or it doesn't and well... we'll cross that bridge when we get there.

For now, sleep.

Under the weather...

These last couple days have sucked, to say the least. I've been feeling sickly - aches, shivers, sniffles and sore throat. Yep, sounds like first signs of a flu. FML. I've been packing some extra vitamin C and echinacea in hopes that my immune system would kick it up a notch. Sadly, it ain't so.

Also, my Grand-Pa's been having a hard time with his fight against cancer and he's been at the hospital in Ottawa for about a week now. My home town, where I grew up and where most of my family lives, is about 100kms east of Ottawa and when the local hospital can't handle your needs anymore, they ship you off to a bigger center like Ottawa. It's always a huge deal because it means that family members have to drive an hour to and from to visit and support their loved ones. In my grand-parents' case, it's an immense deal - it was a huge deal for them to go to the store so this is totally outside of their comfort zones.

My grand-ma got a call this morning that they had to operate on him right away so she and my aunt had to drive to Ottawa for her to sign the papers allowing them to do it. During the surgery, he stopped breathing on his own so now he's hooked up to machines.

That's all the info that I've got so far. I don't know why I'm blurting all this on here and probably don't make any sense. Just trying to cope with the fact that I'm 3000kms away. :(

That's all I've got.

Oh, and Nova lost her lunch about 15 minutes after I got home. Lovely.

Learn more about Women's Cancers

In my efforts to support my cousins France and Aimelie in raising funds and awareness of women's cancers, here's some useful information. Remember to click here to donate on behalf of France and click here to donate on behalf of Aimelie.

Breast Cancer
Among Canadian women, breast cancer continues to be the most frequently diagnosed cancer with 22,700 new cases expected in 2009, nearly twice as many as lung cancer. Breast cancer is the second leading cause of cancer mortality among women, and is expected to take the lives of 5,400 Canadian women in 2009.
Click here to find out more information about signs, symptoms, screening, risk factors, treatment and the latest research.

Ovarian Cancer
2,500 new cases of ovarian cancer are expected to be diagnosed in Canadian women this year, with an estimated 1,750 deaths attributed to the disease.
Click here to find out more information about signs, symptoms, screening, risk factors, treatment and the latest research.

Cervical Cancer
1,300 new cases of cervical cancer are expected to be diagnosed in Canadian women this year, with an estimated 380 deaths attributed to the disease.
Click here to find out more information about signs, symptoms, screening, risk factors, treatment and the latest research.

Uterine Cancer
4,400 new cases of uterine cancer are expected to be diagnosed in Canadian women this year, with an estimated 800 deaths attributed to the disease.
Click here to find out more information about signs, symptoms, screening, risk factors, treatment and the latest research.

Vaginal Cancer
There is no early detection for vaginal cancer; however, sometimes doctors are able to detect vaginal changes during pap tests and pelvic exams.
Click here to find out more information about signs, symptoms, screening, risk factors, treatment and the latest research.

Vulvar Cancer
Through research, scientists are learning more about genes and cancerous vulvar cells. They are also studying the ability to prevent cancer through vaccinations.
Click here to find out more information about signs, symptoms, screening, risk factors, treatment and the latest research.

I didn't even know there were this many different kinds of women's cancer - one thing's for sure though, it's all in our best interest to be aware and informed. By supporting France and Aimelie, you'll be raising funds and awareness for each of those different types of cancer and most importantly, you'll be joining hands with Canada’s biggest difference-making endeavours for all women.

Weekend to End Women's Cancer

I'm not one to beg... but here's my begging for the next little while.

My cousins are participating in the Weekend to end Women's Cancer in Ottawa this year and if it weren't for 3000kms, I'd be right there with them. I want to support them as much as I can in their efforts so click here to donate on behalf of Aimelie and click here to donate on behalf of France. One or the other or both will do just fine! ;o)

France and Aimelie have seen the devastating effects of cancer from way too close and way too many times. It seems unfair sometimes how undeserving people get struck by this terrifying disease. It's with the support of family, friends and the entire world that men and women fight cancer each day.

Without your help we all lose the fight.