... I guess a better question would be : is it fully functional?
I've noticed a pretty constant tendency among friends and acquaintances (thanks Facebook) and it's really making me feel ... odd. Lately, there seems to be more "Everything in my life is going super well, *insert name of deceased parent here* must have something to do with it!" or "Everything in my life is going to shit, *insert name of deceased parent here* help me please!" and I just can't seem to relate.
When things go well, I don't think it's because my Mom is watching over me and plucking out all the obstacles on my path. I don't think she's there, watching over my shoulder and changing my life as an "active player". Like pushing me out of the way when I'm dumb enough to run in front of a bus or keeping my workplace free of conflict in some weird way. I tend to think that the reason I don't run in front of a bus is because she thought me, as a kid, to look both ways before crossing the street. I also think that I'm happy at work because she's thought me to speak my mind and to face and resolve conflict when it gets in my way.
When everything is going to shite, I have a hard time thinking she's going to reach down (or sideways) and help me out. Yes, my memories of her are reassuring but that's what they are - memories. I dig down, look deeply into my shriveled little heart and find the strength to carry on as I would if she was still here. I always wanted to show her how strong I could be and how I could make it in this world on my own and she didn't need to worry about me even if I knew she did. Why would I stop doing that now? She thought me better than that - better than to give up and better than to rely on anything else than my own strength.
I think she gave me the tools to live my life as I do and be confident about my beliefs, my values and my self so that I could (try to) make the best decisions and when I didn't, to be able to deal with it. She always trusted me to make the best decisions for myself even if I haven't always been the sharpest tool in the shed - she knew I had the smarts to get out of it later. Her impact on my life is ongoing but it relies on everything she's thought me over the first 26 years of my life, everything from here on in is my own. My way to honor her is to show myself and everyone who knew her that she was an outstanding mother.
This is just the way I see things and how I deal with my own grief - it's not better or worse than any other way... I just wonder sometimes if I'm being insensitive or if I'm simply being me.
2 comments:
I don't think you're being insensitive. As I was reading what those people were writing I was thinking, "crackpot".
While I don't think my father is sitting there watching my life (because obviously I'm the most important part of his family, so he's going to ignore the rest of the living just to watch over me! What?!), I do have this odd sense that he just **knows**. Everything. Which is creepy.
Everyone deals in their own way. Those strong and independant keep moving, confident in the values our dead instilled in us.
I think the exact same way. For some reason, the whole "insert name here" thing on facebook really irks me. I don't think our loved ones would want us to dwell and act like that either. But like you said, to each their own.
I miss u! xoxoxox
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