Wednesday, December 24, 2008
We've decided not to rush into plans and to be realistic about it... We probably won't be able to get hitched before 2010... but that's only one year away as of next week! *shakes a bit*
Without further ado, the bling!
Friday, December 19, 2008
Because if we didn't, we'd never learn, grow or change. Change makes life what it is and what it can become.
When you open your mind to change and to evolution, it means that you are growing. You're learning more things on your way to accomplishing a change in your life, big enough for you and those around you to notice. It can be a change on your outlook on life, your physique or even your career, but we are always looking for it. We do it to live a healthier life and to stick around longer to see our grand-children. We do it to get a promotion or a new opportunity to earn more. We do it for ourselves and we do it for others. To prove to ourselves that we can do it or to show others we care.
If you don't want to change, you're sticking with what you've got because it works and in that case, I don't believe you can grow as much. You can still learn, develop and grow, but not as much ; I don't think. Change is what pushes us long and forces us to look around and take action. Regardless of the situation. Without that, you're just looking around and not doing anything about what you're seeing. If you live your entire life, thinking Santa exists, per example, who'll buy presents for your kids? This might sound a bit dumb... but it's true. Regardless of if we want to or not, we change.
A lot of things can push you right in front of the change truck. It smacks you very hard, tosses you around a bit and leaves you for dead. You have to pick yourself up and deal. No choice. Change has already come and gone and now you have to grow to be able to accept the consequences. Sometimes change comes after a long period of wait and you've had time to get used to the idea, you've accepted it and you're ready to face the reality.
From simple things like doing someone a favor or going out of your way to make someone happy or a loved one struck with a terminal disease or a tragic accident, the people around us affect the way we change. The ones we love and the ones we don't, everyone around us has an impact on how we change, when and why.
I ask myself sometimes, if I've changed a lot over the past couple of years? Months? Days? I'm usually really happy to answer "yes" to all of those questions. Sometimes I change for the best, sometimes for the worst, but I least I know I've learned something, I've made an effort to change.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
I have a fever, every bone in my body aches, my sinuses are so clogged up I feel like my head is as big as my ass. I mean that in the nicest way possible... but you get the picture right!?
Why is it that I'm always sick when there's something important going on!? Why? ... ... *whispers*... why?
I tried to make a list of all the things I still have to do before Js comes home and it's not pretty to look at. It's very long and boring... and painfully impossible to accomplish in so little time. I guess I'll have to make do and suck it up... not much choice! I hope I can survive the drive to work tomorrow, but I don't think I'll be able to last all day!
I am SO greatfull for Jf today. I've been crawling around the appartement refusing to go out and clean off the snow from my car to be able to go to the pharmacy and get something for this damn cold... Not only did he come pick me up after work, he invited me over for some soup! He made me chicken soup and served me some cookies and some tea! I'm so glad I was able to eat something and at least move a little bit! YAY FOR MY GAY!
We talked a bit and entertained Romeo, I'm sure. Then he drove me home, I took a long shower and now I'm just waiting for the Benilyn to kick in... *taps foot*
(JS IS WATCHING W!)
So this blog post is kinda boring and pointless... but since I figured I wouldn't be posting much this weekend, I'd give it a try... but nothing to report makes for boring blogs!
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Work's been just nuts lately with the transportation strike, the Holidays and the ton of new staff and the gigantic over stock due to economy drop... Why am I stressing so much about this? I can't do anything to change it. None of it. So why am I ripping myself to shreds feeling miserable about this? Last Holiday came and went and I was wondering where all the drama had gone!? It just got pushed back a year... cause it's all hitting home now!
I think that a lot of it has to do with how we perceive things. I've been going around the last two days constantly thinking : "Oh. My. God. This can't be happening! Why does this have to happen now? This has been the worst day ever." It was, but did I make it that? I spent all day worrying, turning things over and over in my head thinking to myself I would never find a solution and this would never end.
This morning, I decided that I wasn't going to think like that today. I was going to make an effort to try to find solutions with a clear mind instead of giving up. I decided I was going to take breaks and time to make some decent food (somewhat!) to replenish a bit of energy and salvage mental health. It worked! I didn't feel as anxious as the last two days and the day went by a lot faster. Sure, sure, it did take me two hours to drive home... but instead of calling Jf to complain, I called my dad and let him tell me about his day.
Over the last two days, every time Js called me, I was in a bad mood. I didn't have time to talk because I was either shoveling, driving or freaking out for some random reason. I always felt like crap when I came home because I know that he's having a so-so week too and he probably needs to talk just as much as I do. I sent him a couple of emails even if I knew he wouldn't get them until this weekend, at least it gave me some sense of communicating and getting my point across.
Tonight, he called and I was upset. Not because of everything that was happening over here, but because I knew wasn't there for him this week. I wanted to talk to him about it, about a ton of stuff, but he's standing in a public hallway, talking from a pay phone : bad time.
I love him. I didn't even have to tell him anything, I just said I wish we could talk more and a couple of words and he knew what I was concerned about and how I was feeling and we didn't even need to talk it out all that much. He knew. He said what I wanted to hear to help me bottle it all up until Saturday. He'll be back in Saskatchewan then and we'll talk about it then. It's nothing major, it's just sometimes you need to voice it, even if you know the other person already knows what you are going to say. I think I understood what he was feeling too. I hope.
Lesson learned #1 : If you keep saying it's the worst day in the universe, it won't get any better, pretend everything is fine and today won't be as bad as yesterday was. A crappy day is only what you make of it.
Lesson learned #2 : Don't unload all your crap on your man if he's having a bad week, you'll only feel worst, wait until you can talk it out. Even if you don't think he gets it ; he does. Just because they deal with things differently, doesn't mean they don't deal with things at all. We cry, they joke - secretly, they just want to see us smile or hear us laugh to make their troubles go away.
The weekend is coming and I hope things settle themselves, the weather behaves and the busses resume. I'll go about the next 7 days, kicking and screaming, until he tries to make me laugh again.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
What I'm not too happy about... is the condescending tone of the girl I spoke with at my bank. When I called the help line thingy-doo-dad, the woman was so helpful and she explained as much as she could to me... but when I called my bank it was completely different.
They talked to me like I was a 4 year old child, they kept interrupting me and I couldn't event get to the end of a sentence before they cut me off with some cookie-cutter answer. I told her a couple of times that I did not appreciate her attitude and her tone and she didn't apologize even once...
I don't understand how people who are supposed to help you manage your money can treat you like that! I sell friggen soaps for a living and I know more about customer satisfaction than that. I'm not asking customers to trust me with their life savings, I'm giving them advice as to what to get their 12 year old niece.
I'm so upset. Worst part is, I'm sure it's not the bank, it's some of the people who work there who are the problem! I've been dealing with this bank for as long as I can remember, and it's only been this past couple of years that I've noticed their customer care go down a very very steep hill.
I'm too upset to even think right now. I just want Js to be here and tell me it's okay and we'll find a solution together. I'm hesitating to close this account because all my automatic payments and stuff are in there and it's just a pain to change it all over because the clerk's got something up her ass. Why should I have to change my whole financial world around because she's a rude hick?
So, above, you have the pretty-on-paper version of the facts... bellow is, why I believe she treated me like poo. She made it personal.
Regardless of the fact that you know the person or not, the level of professionalism should remain the same.
It's my bank from my home town and everyone knows everyone out there. The girl I spoke with hates me to no end. I went to school with her. Her and Js dated in highschool. She hated me then and she hates me even more so now. Lots. Everytime I've gone to the bank over the last year and a half, it's been the same story. I've never had to deal with any crazy situations like that with my bank before until this past year.
I think someone and her shinny forehead need to move the eff on and leave my banking out of this.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Allow me to explain. I'm really all over the map tonight so this may take a while...
I was doing some financial observation to try to find out where the crap all my money went... Holiday shopping? A couple of setbacks and extra bills I had to pay? Some pretty valid reasons and I was expecting to be a bit tighter at the end of this month, but who isn't!? I kept trying to figure it out and things just didn't add up... I was short by $50 just about...
I looked over all my bills and online account info and everything seemed clear. I decided, for shits and giggles, to take a look at my November statement-AHA! Now, I won't go into huge detail about this just yet because I still haven't contacted my bank to give them a chance to explain them selves. Clearly, they don't stay open until 11h30pm on Mondays. I can assure you that I am contacting them first thing in the morning and they will have a lot of convincing to do to get my trust back ...
Long story short : There was a random withdrawl of a random amount of money taken from my account. I called the 24h support line thingy, they assured me that the money was taken by the bank but they (the bank) didn't specify what for. After looking it over with the nice lady on the phone, we assumed it was for a pre-authorized payment that was processed 2 days late. The withdrawl dosen't specify that the money was taken to pay my car loan as usual and isn't the right amount.
Typo? New staff? Regardless : I have unjustified, unapproved withdrawls and abosultely no proof that the money is going in the right place! Am I over reacting!? I think not. I'm not comfortable with this bank anymore and they've lost all my trust. I'm sure there is a good reason and hope they have a good explination tomorrow.
I feel cheated. I don't feel comfortable with this at all. I'll wait until I get to talk to them, but if their answer dosen't justify these actions enough for me, I'll have to review all my account statements since there's no way of telling how many times this happened before. Then what?
I want to be just and give them a chance to explain before I implode with rage.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
I need a friggen break. That's what I need. I don't mean a vacation or a trip down south (although that would be nice!) or anything like that... I just mean a friggen moment of peace and quiet.
I don't want time to think about things ; I don't want to think about anything.
I don't want time off from work to do something more fun ; I don't want to do anything.
I don't want to go to the Spa to relax and take care of me ; I don't want to care about anything.
I need a reboot botton. That's what I need. Something to give me a restart on life cause I'm running low on everything that's vital it seems.
Everyday that I'm at work, I put a smile on my face and power through everything and anything that's thrown my way. I can't break down in tears. I can't be sick. I can't be tired. I can't be fed up with the endless list of tasks. I'm not allowed. I need to be happy, patient, strong, healthy, energetic and motivated.
Everyday that I'm not working, I put a smile on my face and go about my daily life. I spend every single minute of every day planning for the next. I can't live in the moment because the moment isn't really pretty to look at right now. I haven't shaved in weeks, the dishes in the kitchen are stacking up, the laundry baskets are full but I have to run... Why would I want to focus on that when the future looks so much brighter from here?
Every time I hang out with friends, I put a smile on my face and try to absorb as much as I can, while I can. I always wonder if we'll make it in the long run, I'm always affraid of loosing them. I know I shouldn't feel this way, but it's hard not too. Life happens, people move on to bigger and greater things. It's hard to always be the "alone but not single" one of the pack... If I go out with a bunch of single friends, I feel like the outsider because I can't flirt and I'm not necessarily in the mood to meet new people. When I go out with friends who are happily taken, I feel like the outsider because my "happy taker" isn't there...
I feel as though each moment that I live, I spend it longing for the next. Waiting for the next step. Hurrying by to get to the next check point. Like someone attached my life to a string and just tugs on it a bit every time I reach out.
I wish I could just live the moment for what it is. Forget about tomorrow, next week or next month. Let's face it : I don't really get that much of a say in the matter. It's so much easier when Js is here, everything just falls into place... one moment at a time.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
In September, I thought : Wow! December is SO far away, I'll keep busy planning for the Holidays and being at work way more than I should. Then I went to Orlando at the end of the month, and next thing I knew, October was here!
October was filled with planning for Holiday, overalls and red bandannas. Don't know where that month went either!
November was a long one. Nothing really specific happened to help me get my mind off things... but I kept busy. Coffee with friends, started Christmas shopping early this year which turned out to be a good thing... that kinda stuff!
Now, December turned around and bit me in the ... leg. I'm down to 16 sleeps until Js comes home and I'm running around to get everything done and prepare everything for the Holidays (as you can tell... by blogging my life away!) like I didn't have 4 months to get all of this done. *ugh!*
I know what I'll be exhausted and drained by the time Js gets here and that pisses me right off. I want to be all happy and lovely and composed. Let's be realistic here : I work in retail. It's the Holidays. Leave me the eff alone, I just want to curl up in a corner and hide under a giant pile of card board boxes and register rolls until Spring comes back!
At least we'll have a bit of quality (read : sane) time in January. He took some leave time and I took some much earned vacation days so we'd have more time to spend together.
I'm thinking January will go by UBER fast too... and then, who knows what February has in store for us!? Really, who!?
Friday, November 28, 2008
"My tolerance for ridiculous customer inquiries was discontinued at the same time as your foundation m'am. Have a good day!"
The latest one was a regular of ours who's told me all about her life countless times again and again. By the end of it, I'm usually really bored and covered in spittle. Tonight, she was PEE-OH-ED because her card expired eons ago and she wasn't able to claim enough gifts to make it worth her while and now was upset because she didn't know her card expired. I understand that it can be upsetting when you realize that not everything lasts forever. (I am typing this with my left hand as my right one is in the shape of an "L" on my forehead.) She tells me that she is on fixed income and we should be more accommodating for "these kinds of situations" and then proceeds to tell me that she has her own business and if she would treat customers like that, she wouldn't have any. Riiiiiiiiiiiiiight. She thinks we should notify her when we "know" that her card is about to expire and when I explain to her that logistically, that is absolutely impossible and toss in a "You run a business, you know what it's like right!?"... She can't really say anything so she babbles on for a while about how she "wanted to get ... ... ... ... *na-na-na-na-na-HEY-na-na-na-na-na* ... really disappointed... ...holidays!" I squeegee myself dry and then explain to her that I can't "reprogram my computer" to make it prompt me when a customer's card is about to expire because all the stores in the entire WORLD use the same computers and I'm done work at 9pm tonight, so that doesn't give me enough time. Strangely enough, that seems like a good enough answer for her, she ends up thanking me and giving me the "I know it's not your fault" bla-bla.
I don't understand how some people think that, I, from my wee store in my wee mall can change the way this ENTIRE company works!? How?
I think, sometimes, some people are either lonely or just in a bad mood and feel like taking it out on people that don't really affect them. I'm just a stranger to them that they feel they are entitled to scream at me. Since I can't really go anywhere or do anything, they'll rip me a new one for as long as they can. It's kinda sad, really.
I've grown used to ignoring it, letting them get it all out and just feeding them a robotic answer. As long as I don't feel threatened, like they are starting to get agitated or overly exaggerating, I'll let it slide off my back. They are not trying to solve the problem, they are not looking for an answer so why argue with them and try to provide them with a solution? It's just adding more wood to the fire. I really don't have time for that, come back in January!
Saturday, November 22, 2008
I don't understand my OCDness. Where the eff does it come from and why is it not on more useful things? Why can't I be OCD about how my hair looks or about how clean my desk is? I find myself obsessing about stuff like Christmas cards and it's completely beyond my comprehension. Why should I spend my precious time and energy planning who's getting which card, looking up postal codes, which pen I'm going to use on which color of envelope and organizing them over and over in the box by size/destination/mailing date when clearly anything else in the world would make more sense to occupy my Saturday night? Beats the crap outta me.
The worst part I think is that I'm aware of what I'm doing. I can perfectly picture myself pulling out the cards that I'm done signing and addressing and labeling telling myself I could bring them to work tomorrow and drop them at the post office. Then thinking "It's way too early! I should wait." then putting them back in the front of the box... no the back... the front was better. I then decided to match each card with it's envelope to make it easier in case I'm in a hurry (what for? it's not like I have a life or anything...) and need a quick fix. Once all the sorting is done, I pick up the ready-to-go pile again and think "Is it really too early to mail them now?" ... decide I'm being ridiculous and put them to the back of the box... wait, I decided the front before... ... I mustn't have been thinking because it makes much more sense at the back of the box.
Seriously!? Why do these things matter? *ugh*
Yes, ladies and gents: It is 4:03am and I can't get a wink of sleep. I'm done with the cards for tonight, so I start reading in the hopes of falling asleep soon. That's when I hear the faint sounds of a kitty going *haaaack-rhaaaaaaack-haaaack*... I give it a couple of seconds... *haaaaack-rhaaaaaack-haaaaraaa......aaack* You know what that pause was right!? The damned hair-ball finally landing on my floor someplace... Great. Shinning with uncontrollable joy and glee, I now have to scavenge the apartment looking for a wee pile of cat-juice. I very carefully make my way to the living room, looking very intently at the floor making sure I don't step in it... and Jack follows me with this look of "Sowwy mummy!" on his face... I'd pet him but he smells. I'm such a loving person. Voila! Right there, right split in the middle of the living room on what looks like face cloth fresh out of the laundry basket, a still-warm little tuft of fur covered in goo slowly seeping into the cracks in the hardwood. Smells delish.
So here I am now, washed hands and all, trying to get back in a sleep mode but it's just not happening and I thought I should share this moment of grossness.
This is what a Saturday night in the life of me is. Humming "Smelly cat" while I organize my hair clips in order of size and color... or maybe strength and durability would be more functional!? *twitch*
Friday, November 21, 2008
*thinks* ... this hurts!
I went to see Passendale, the movie, yesterday with AM. It was a really good movie. I think it's my favorite war movie. Wait... my second favorite war movie - fave being Saving Private Ryan of course. (Side note : Tom Hanks is a God.) I liked the detail and the balance of it. I must admit there were times during the first half of the movie when I thought it was getting kind of long, but by the end, you understand why those moments were a bit longer, and it makes you appreciate the movie even more.
I have to say I was really happy to see a movie about the Canadian Military. So many war movies focus on the American side of things, it was nice and refreshing to see some Canadian flags and Canadian values.
Made me think of an article I'd found on the web by The Sunday Telegraph, London. I could talk on and on about it but I think I'll leave it up to the article itself. It sums it all up perfectly.
Sunday Telegraph Article From today's UK wires:
Salute to a brave and modest nation - Kevin Myers, 'The Sunday Telegraph' LONDON:
Until the deaths of Canadian soldiers killed in Afghanistan , probably almost no one outside their home country had been aware that Canadian troops are deployed in the region.
And as always, Canada will bury its dead, just as the rest of the world, as always will forget its sacrifice, just as it always forgets nearly everything Canada ever does.. It seems that Canada's historic mission is to come to the selfless aid both of its friends and of complete strangers, and then, once the crisis is over, to be well and truly ignored.
Canada is the perpetual wallflower that stands on the edge of the hall, waiting for someone to come and ask her for a dance. A fire breaks out, she risks life and limb to rescue her fellow dance-goers, and suffers serious injuries. But when the hall is repaired and the dancing resumes, there is Canada, the wallflower still, while those she once helped Glamorously cavort across the floor, blithely neglecting her yet again.
That is the price Canada pays for sharing the North American continent with the United States, and for being a selfless friend of Britain in two global conflicts.
For much of the 20th century, Canada was torn in two different directions: It seemed to be a part of the old world, yet had an address in the new one, and that divided identity ensured that it never fully got the gratitude it deserved.
Yet it's purely voluntary contribution to the cause of freedom in two world wars was perhaps the greatest of any democracy. Almost 10% of Canada 's entire population of seven million people served in the armed forces during the First World War, and nearly 60,000 died. The great Allied victories of 1918 were spearheaded by Canadian troops, perhaps the most capable soldiers in the entire British order of battle.
Canada was repaid for its enormous sacrifice by downright neglect, it's unique contribution to victory being absorbed into the popular Memory as somehow or other the work of the 'British.'
The Second World War provided a re-run. The Canadian navy began the war with a half dozen vessels, and ended up policing nearly half of the Atlantic against U-boat attack. More than 120 Canadian warships participated in the Normandy landings, during which 15,000 Canadian soldiers went ashore on D-Day alone.
Canada finished the war with the third-largest navy and the fourth largest air force in the world. The world thanked Canada with the same sublime indifference as it had the previous time.
Canadian participation in the war was acknowledged in film only if it was necessary to give an American actor a part in a campaign in which the United States had clearly not participated - a touching scrupulousness which, of course, Hollywood has since abandoned, as it has any notion of a separate Canadian identity.
So it is a general rule that actors and filmmakers arriving in Hollywood keep their nationality - unless, that is, they are Canadian. Thus Mary Pickford, Walter Huston, Donald Sutherland, Michael J. Fox, William Shatner, Norman Jewison, David Cronenberg, Alex Trebek, Art Linkletter and Dan Aykroyd have in the popular perception become American, and Christopher Plummer, British.
It is as if, in the very act of becoming famous, a Canadian ceases to be Canadian, unless she is Margaret Atwood, who is as unshakably Canadian as a moose, or Celine Dion, for whom Canada has proved quite unable to find any takers. [Note : HA!]
Moreover, Canada is every bit as querulously alert to the achievements of its sons and daughters as the rest of the world is completely unaware of them. The Canadians proudly say of themselves - and are unheard by anyone else - that 1% of the world's population has provided 10% of the world's peacekeeping forces.
Canadian soldiers in the past half century have been the greatest peacekeepers on Earth - in 39 missions on UN mandates, and six on non-UN peacekeeping duties, from Vietnam to East Timor, from Sinai to Bosnia.
Yet the only foreign engagement that has entered the popular non-Canadian imagination was the sorry affair in Somalia, in which out-of-control paratroopers murdered two Somali infiltrators Their regiment was then disbanded in disgrace - a uniquely Canadian act of self-abasement for which, naturally, the Canadians received no international credit.
So who today in the United States knows about the stoic and selfless friendship its northern neighbour has given it in Afghanistan?
Rather like Cyrano de Bergerac, Canada repeatedly does honourable things for honourable motives, but instead of being thanked for it, it remains something of a figure of fun. It is the Canadian way, for which Canadians should be proud, yet such honour comes at a high cost. This past year more grieving Canadian families knew that cost all too tragically well.
Lest we forget.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
I don't right now either... but I just thought I'd ramble some more before calling it a night.
I've been watching Friends from Season 1 all over again and it's making me happy. Happy cause I usually watch them with Js (We're lame, go ahead, mock us!) and also because it reminds me how great my friends are! I've been thinking about that a lot lately. I've been making a point of spending more quality time with them and strengthening my relationship with my closest friends. I think Time is playing games with me again... tic-toc-ing by thinking I won't notice!
I had a conversation with a friend of mine the other day about friendship and how sometimes your friends will annoy the living shit out of you, but you stick around anyways, because they are your friends and that's just how life is! It's so true! I can't say I have that many of those, I'm pretty close with my good friends and the rest really just tend to blend in.
I guess you come to a point in your life where you make the split between friends and people you know. It's hard to let go of some relationships sometimes, but you just have to face that your lives have taken a different direction and it's time to move on. For me, the difference is between saying "We should get together sometime!" and following through and saying "It's been so long! Let's hang out!" and never making the time. There's nothing wrong with drifting apart, that's what life is all about! The people who leave your life mean just as much as the people you'll always keep in touch with. It doesn't make these people any less of a great friend and the memories of time spent together are still there. Just in a different way I guess.
I think I'll make a point of blogging about things I think about when watching Friends. As brain-numbing as that show is (That's why I love it so!), it's got some good stories to it when you look at the big picture.
I've got to get used to this. People change, things change, situations change, life changes. Nothing stays the same, ever. How boring would that be?
This morning I am still in bed. Yes, it's 1:50am, it's still the morning to me. I woke up around noon and read and took it easy, my mom called to tell me they were leaving home and were going to be here around 2h30-ish and then Js called and we talked for 58 minutes.
58 minutes!!! That's huge! I don't think we ever talked for this long in the last year. Sure, we talked for hours and hours while he was up north, but we weren't even dating back then. It's kinda like how the sex stops when you get married, well the long phone conversations stop when you start dating.
We'll usually talk a couple of times a day for about 15-20 minutes. It's not because we don't want to talk to each other, it's just that we run out of things to say. This morning, we had a load of stuff to say and just talking randomly about the present and the future and it felt awesome! We talked about the pets we want to have and the places we want to go. We talked about our weekend and our plans for the next week. This and that and the other thing. I hadn't laughed like that with him in so long. I miss waking up next to him and talking until his back starts to hurt from laying down too long. (I think it's his back sending him a secret message saying it's time to make your girlfriend coffee!)
Moments like these give me the strength and courage I need until he comes back home again. It reminds me of how great we are together and reassures me that time and distance are not taking the best out of what we have together. These moments also make the wait unbearable. It reminds me of how much I want to be near him and be there for him. Reminds me of how much things are easier when he's around and life is so simpler when we come home to each other every night.
This past week, I've been cocooning a lot. Watching Friends on DVD by my self with a giant bowl of pop corn and a couple of candles to set the mood has been the highlight of my week. Did I mention that was on a Saturday night!? It felt good to stop and take some time for me instead of for work or for some Holiday shopping or what-ever-else needs to be done.
I think I'm going to make a point of planning at least one night a week of cocooning time. We do it when Js is around, why should I stop spending some downtime at home just because he's gone!?
Friday, November 14, 2008
P&G is notoriously known in the cosmetic and pharmaceutical industry for their animal testing practices. PeTA has made it quite clear and when they get involved, it's usually a pretty dramatic (and efficient!) picture. The Ethical Consumer Guide to Everyday Shopping (Ethical Consumer Research Association) estimates that about 50 000 animals are used for testing per year. How long has P&G been testing on animals? I found information going back to 1986 and I'm pretty sure I'm just scratching at the surface but I'll leave it at that. Knowing that at least 1100000 animals have suffered under the unforgiving hand of this behemoth monster is enough for me.
In 2007, the evil empire launched a campaign to promote their initiatives in Sub-Saharan Africa where one in ten young women often miss school due to their monthly visit from friendly Aunt Flow under the tag line “There are lots of reasons kids miss school, being a girl shouldn't be one of them!” The use of these kinds of products not only makes them reliant on a costly imported product, but also creates even more problems when it comes to disposal. Why not provide them with more sanitary facilities at school? Why not educate them better and raise awareness instead of creating even more problems for their communities? Why not take all that invested time and money and spend it on something that is durable? You can't just put a band-aid on something like this! (Pun intended!)
All this (and more) is what gets me wondering : Is this company making these slight changes to make themselves look better in the eye of the consumer or they are doing it with their heart out on their sleeves, to make a real difference in the world? And my answer is the reason why I hate them so much. There are so many criticism campaigns, boycotts, websites and even books dedicated to clearing up the fog P&G have been quietly operating under, it's unbelievable. I've taken action and now I've been P&G-free for about a year and I'm really happy about it. (I accidentally bought Bounty that one time but I was blinded with Bonus Airmiles and am now aware of the temptation...)
Some brand names you might want to consider finding some replacements for :
Cosmetics and fragrance : Max Factor, Clarion, Colorfast, Cover Girl,
Boss, Hugo-Boss, Lacoste, Giorgio.
Diapers : Luvs, Pampers.
Sanitary Protection: Always, Tampax.
Oral care : Crest, Fixodent, Scope, Braun, Oral-B, .
Household products : Ariel, Tide, Bounce, Downy, Cheer, Gain, Ivory Snow,
Oxydol, Tide, Dawn, Febreze, Mr. Clean, Swiffer.
Hair care: Head & Shoulders, Ivory, Pantene, Pert Plus.
Prell, Vidal Sassoon, Aussie, Herbal Essences, Hydriance.
Infusium, Clairol, Natural Instinct, Nice n' Easy, Pantene.
Cold products : Vicks range, Chloraseptic, DayQuil, NyQuil, VapoRub, VapoSteam,Vitamin C Drops.
Paper products : Cascade, Charmin, Puffs, Bounty.
Pet products : Eukanuba, Iams.
General hygene : Zest, Clerasil, Gilette, Ivory, Noxzema, Olay, Old Spice, Secret, Sure.
Others : Metamucil, Pepto-Bismol, Pringles, Duracell,
No one can say that they don't have at least one of these products in their homes. They are not bad products and I must admit, I had a really hard time finding something to replace Febreze. When I decided to weed out all the P&G products from my home, I did it gradually. I kept looking for alternatives so that when it came time to replenish, I knew which replacements to get. Most of these brands are in such highly competitive markets it makes it a lot easier than it seems to find an equivalent. Scope or Listerine? Pepto-Bismol or Gaviscon? Duracell or Energizer? Ivory or Dove? Really!?
I don't believe that P&G are making the necessary changes and the socially responsible thing. Even if they are trying to redeem themselves with campaigns and statements about different causes, I think that they are just following every other multi-national into the eco-trend. It's impossible with a brand as widely spread and well known as P&G to keep a flawless image and a perfect score but if you are going to try, try with your heart, not your wallets.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
My sleep patterns are shite. I'm feeling sick constantly but I think it's from lack of quality sleep time. I've made efforts to eat better and more consistently this week, I'm doing a bit better, but still not back to my normal Me.
Is it because Js is coming home soon? Nerves? The Holidays? Health issues? PMSing? I don't know anymore!
Maybe it's the day light thing? I'm done work at 5pm and by the time I leave the mall, it's dark outside. What the eff is up with that? I always feel like sleeping because it's always night outside... then I nap during the day and can't sleep during normal hours! That might be it... but right now, I really really want this to stop. I can't be this tired for when Js comes home. It's going to be a c-r-a-z-y time for me. Work's going to be insane. I will want to spend every extra minute with him! Ugh!
Would someone just inject some Vitamin C or something in my veins so I can make it to December 19th in one piece? I hate that I will probably be a mess by the time he comes home because of work and everything else I have to do. I hate that I will be uber tired and probably will need to run around for some Holiday errands and such...
I'm so afraid that this won't be a great Holiday season for us! With all the stresses that we are living right now, it's hard to imagine things going smoothly.
Way to go, Marie. When you're stressed and worried about something, create something else to add to your stress and worry. *rolls eyes*
Jenna asked me today if Maggie was my sister or my friend and I said "Pretty much both!" and she commented that we looked alike so she wasn't sure. I said it probably came with the many many years of friendship. It's true! We've grown even more alike now than when we were kids. We've seen each other through so many things. Laughter, tears, heartbreaks, love, school, freezing apartments, burning buildings, fish (god bless their souls!), jobs, cars (or lack of), special events and milestones, we've always been able to count on one another. No questions asked. We are not exact replicas of each other (I don't think the world could handle that!) but we resemble each other in our thoughts even if our opinions are not the same.
I wonder sometimes if we've always been like this or if we became what we are with time? So I've got Jf on one side. We are opposites that do the same things. I've got Maggie on the other side. We think the same but we do things differently. I could not ask for more in my two best friends.
Monday, November 10, 2008
When you get involved with the military world, regardless of your position, your perception of time changes. If you're a member, a spouse, a parent or even a friend, what seemed like an eternity before can now seem like a second and vice versa.
When Js left for his BMQ training in St-Jean, I was terrified of the thirteen weeks we'd have to be apart! Sure, he was able to come home on some weekends, but I remember a 2 month stretch when his passes kept getting taken from him or the entire platoon. I was furious at the injustice that he'd be kept away from me for this long. Two months away from home, from family! How horrible! When those 13 weeks are finally a thing of the past, you feel like you are ready to confront any time separation the military throws your way! Two months? Three months? Four months? Bring it! You made it : together, you survived basic!
Don't get me wrong, I still miss him a whole lot! It doesn't mean that I don't miss him if I learn to accept that he will be gone. That's what I've learned and that's what's kept me sane from the very moment I found out he was going to Moose Jaw.
For the first couple of weeks he was away, I missed him. Oh, how I missed him! I didn't show it as much and I didn't admit it to myself. It took me a while to understand why I was reacting this way. I felt like the bad girlfriend for not crying myself to sleep every night because his side of the bed was so cold. We show people we love exactly how much we love them by measuring how much we miss them when we are apart. When you know you will be apart for such a long time and there's nothing you can do about it, you have to find different ways to show and express your love for each other. That's what support and understanding is. That's what encouragement and dedication is. It's a lot better for the relationship morale and it's also a lot cheaper in Kleenexes and ice cream.
I've learned to deal with missing him with this posting. I'm sure it won't always be like this and I can assure you, I don't think I could be this strong if he was in the sandbox. It's just a completely different ball game. It's kept me together and kept us alive for this long, and I'm going to stick with it.
All that's fine and dandy, but what about when days feel never ending and hands on your clock seem to be going backwards, when the seconds start to feel like years? Your time perception gets flipped inside out like an old sock, once again. I know that will hit me when I can start saying he's coming home in less than thirty days or I can start counting down the weeks! When weeks become days and days become hours and hours become minutes and minutes become seconds until I can hold my man in my arms again, that's when all the clocks in the world turn against you.
It's like following an geriatric person in a mall (believe me! I know what I'm talking about with this one!) and you're on your lunch break and you've only got 10 minutes left to run to Bulk Barn and get the chocolate that will help you make it to 9pm by yourself on yet another Saturday night. If the older person is inching their merry way at the beginning of your break on a slow Monday afternoon, you don't feel like smacking them just as hard! (For the record : I got nothing against the elderly.)
Postings are like slow walkers in narrow corridors.
Side note : I feel like there's a ton to say but at the same time, I don't know what to write about. It's weird. Maybe it's kind of like what Nick was saying : you start censoring what you have to say according to who reads your blog.
I read over my posts and I guess that put a couple of things in perspective and that's what's making me censor my thoughts a little bit. I find that it's never any good when I write on impulse. No good can come of posting random irrational thoughts on the internet so they can roam about the cyberspace freely and most likely come back and bite you in the ass a while down the road.
That said, there's also a couple of things that I started blogging about (got the drafts to prove it!) but decided not to post because they are too personal or they are about an observation that I made about/for someone else. I hesitate because I don't know how I would feel if someone started posting personal stuff about me.
So, I try to blog about random/general things. If you know me, you know how many times in a day random things pop in my brain, so I'm nowhere near running out of ideas!
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Back story - What else is a girl to do on Saturday nights than try to decide between ordering return address stickers or a stamp for cheaper for her Holiday cards? Yes, you read that right. Stickers. Stamp. Cards. Saturday. Help.
Sometimes I feel like I have these teeny people sitting on my shoulders. On one side, there's a bra-burning little bitch (and I use the term with affection!) who refuses to bake muffins and speaks way too loudly when drunk. On the other side, there's a little Martha who enjoys a nice quiche and warm apple cider on a cold autumn day, she likes pretty things and says "nice" alot.
The little Martha says : "It would be nice to have return address labels made in time to put them on the Holiday cards." Seconds later, I'm on the web, looking at prices and calculating delivery times... That's usually when the little Bitch starts poking at my neck with a pitch fork : "Wait! Let me get this straight! You are going to spend money to get something made with your address on it knowing very well that it will change in the next year and that you will NEVER (hopefully!) live in Vanier again? Am I getting this right? PLUS, you would risk sending all your Holiday cards late and you know how some people just LIVE for your cards!" (My little Bitch is a sarcasta-whore!)
Torn! I will never use them again, but it'll be a cute way of remembering our first home together VS. being reasonable with my money and time and waiting for next year! *sigh*
Attempt at solving this #1 : Comparing prices, delays, pros and cons and doing as best I can to ignore the sharp burning stab in my neck and the smell of warm gingerbread cookies - icing and all. No deal.
Attempt at solving this #2 : Calling to the all mighty powers of logic and wisdom of my Gay! *hehehe-snort* What else is a gay to do on a Saturday night at 10:30pm than to help solve his hag with her OCD dilemma!? I had to repeat myself a couple of times just to make sure he got all my pros and cons (established during attempt #1 and probably listed and color coded) and could make a sound recommendation. "Won't a funky colored pen do?" -- Clearly, he hasn't been listening. LABELS. Mama wants labels. Something I can just stick and it'll be insta-pretty. Something that makes it look like I've prepared for this since July. Yes, ladies and gents, I love it when people know how much of a giant loser I am! (Why else would I be boring you to tears with this!?) ... ... (Still there? Ya? Okay!)
Revelation : THAT... right there... is why I likes me a homosexual man. He said he'd try to print me some at work if I figured out a way to email him what I liked. Why you people aren't allowed to reproduce is beyond me! The world would be so much more wonderful. Bad taste would be banned. Coffee shops would appear at every street corner! Reality TV would take over the entire planet. *wonderment*... I think we're getting somewhere!
See - over thinking. I need help.
A) Facebook is pissing me off.
B) It'll give Nick something to read.
C) It'll give Chris something to do.
1. Do you smoke weed regularly?
2. Have you kissed somebody in the last 3 days?
No. Thanks for reminding me.
3. Who’s the last persons house you went to?
4. Miss someone?
Yes. Again, thanks for the reminder!
5. How's your ex doing?
Which one? Cause the answer goes from "pretty well" to "hopefully under a bus"...
6. Is there someone you want to fight?
7. Do you like someone right now?
8. Song playing?
The song of silence.
9. What are you doing tomorrow?
10. Do you know what sodomy is?
11. What's annoying you right now?
The plumbing in this damn place.
12. Do you want to go back to school?
Might go back to University part-time some day.
13. Have you ever watched a movie drunk?
Many, many times.
14. What were you doing last night?
Driving to and from Kanata and then driving to and from Hull.
15. Who did you ride in a car with last?
Julie and Veronique.
16. Are you tired?
Not sleepy but energy's kinda low.
17. Who will you be with today/tonight?
18. What kind of socks do you have?
19. What color is the shirt you are wearing?
Black. On my way to work...
20. What will you do Sunday?
Werk! *It's the most wonderful time, of the year!*
21. Last person to call you?
24. Do you have any interesting bruises or scars?
Nope. I'm boring.
25. Where were you at noon today?
13 minutes ago I was probably in the kitchen.
26. How long does it take you to get ready to go out?
Depends on where/when/mood.
27. Have you been outside of Canada?
28. The last text you received on your mobile was from?
29. Last movie you watched?
Can't remember, but I'm sure it was better than HSM3.
30. Group dates or single dates?
31. Do you wish at 11:11?
32. Is it cute when the opposite sex kiss you on your forehead?
33. A big poofy dress or a short party dress?
34. What would you do if you received a long love letter?
35. Do you have any piercings?
36. Last person you hugged?
Who was the last person to hug you?
Who did you talk to last?
Who is your crush/boyfriend?
Who can you tell everything to?
Who's your funniest friend?
I can't pick just one...
Who's your most hyper friends?
Who are the best friends of your life?
Maggizlors and Jf.
Who would be the best president out of all your friends?
If any of my friends make it there... something will have gone terribly wrong in the world...
Who's the biggest alcoholic?
Don't really care for kidding about those things...
Who do you hang out with on weekends?
POS 1 and 2 (K, I'm thieving Nick's answer because it A) made my day and B) is so true!)
Depends on mood.
Who was the first person you've ever crushed on?
Who do you like?
Nice peeps and gays. *waves*
Who are you going to miss the most later in life?
Who likes you right now?
Who lives the closest to you?
What time is it?
12:18! Eeek! Gotta get to work soon!
What's your favorite possession?
What's the best way to spend Friday night?
Not driving to and from Kanata.
What's your favorite pick-up line?
"Hey! I'm moving to Kujjuaqu, wanna get it on?"
What are you wearing?
What do you do when you're upset?
Cry. Eat. Preferably not at the same time.
What's the best snack in the world?
What kind of clothes do you wear?
What's one of your weird quirks that nobody really understands?
Fear of potatoes.
What's the worst taste ever?
... don't really wanna go there.
What body part on someone else is your favorite?
Dimples, eyes, shoulders, hands, butt... ... brb!
What is one turn-off when it comes to relationships?
Bore. Too serious. Lack of confidence and trust.
What is your favorite thing to do when you're home?
Where was the last place you drove to?
Home from Hull last night.
Where is your favorite place to be?
Wherever Babe is.
Where is your favorite place to shop?
M to the T to the L.
Where are you during the day most?
Where do you keep your clothes at home?
All over the place.
Where is your bed in your bedroom?
... read that question again and think about it...
Where is your best friend right now?
Probably at home or at work. In both cases.
Where do you want to go on vacation?
Wherever Babe is.
Where do you want to live when you're older?
Wherever Babe is.
Where is one place that you absolutely HATE?
Wherever Babe isn't.
When was the last time you showered?
When did you last do something illegal?
Not gonna tell ya.
When is the best time to watch a movie?
When Babe's home.
When do you brush your teeth?
When do you like to sleep?
When Babe's home.
When was the last fight you were involved in?
When was the last time you laughed?
At Nick's answer that I kept. (see above)
When will you go to college?
Been there, done that, got the t-shrit. (really!)
When do you want to get married?
When it's right...
When are you most happy?
When Babe's home.
When do you like to sing?
In my car with the windows TIGHTLY shut.
When do you like to play video games?
When Babe's home.
When was the last time you went out of state/province?
Last night, have you been paying attention? At all?
Done and done! So now that we got the boring quizzies out of the way, I promise never to post them again! Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get to work and try to come up with better things to write about tonight, I promise! :o)
So the phone rang and the store is insanely busy and 'perently showing up for work is not a priority for some people. Gotta run!
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Thank you, La Senza, for pretending you can make bras bigger than a size B cup and selling it to me for $40. You've made me realize how much $40 is worth. Thanks for your support! Sarcasta-Pun intended.
Thank you, coin fed laundry machines, for stealing my money and leaving my clothes soaked. It reminded me that many people on this planet do not have the luxury of washing machines that spin and they have to twist and bend their clothes out of shape so they will dry sometime by the end of the week. Thank you for reminding me that CoinMatic still owes me a refund of $9.50 from last time you exploded into a puff of smoke... I'll get right on that! 10-4!
Thank you, Dr McCall. It's been 8 months since I've been trying to get a hold of you or one of your employees you like to call "receptionists". I believe they prefer the term "Flower-pattern-wearing-menopause-who's-dumber-than-a-box-of-hair-ist". Thank you for shedding some light on exactly how hard it is to find a decent family doctor. You've also brought to my attention that the medical field is a great field of work since you can work well into your 100s and diapers look great with scrubs. Thanks for not dying before December 4th, 3:20pm.
Thank you Ticket Master for being total idiots. Enough said. I will send my Gay to scream high-pitched curse words into your customer service specialist's ear until it falls off.
Thank you little-noise-in-my-shaky-window. If it weren't for you, I wouldn't know how great my ears are functioning and how much sleep is important. Also, thanks for letting me in on the action every time someone in the building does as much as fart.
Thank you hair. Thanks for making me look like I just escaped the Royal Ottawa and caught the next 85 to Carlingwood. Could you please ask whatever the fizzy nest that rests on my head is to be nice and resume it's place within the confined limits of my hair clip? That'd be just fab, thanks for not biting me!
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
So last night, I'm watching the election coverage on abc.com (Yay for no cable!) and I get a pinch of nervousness when I start to see too much red on the map... and then a bit of relief when I see the votes are bluer than the map... So clearly, I'm not hopping up and down about this election, but I know somewhat of what's going on and care to some level. I haven't been following the entire campaign because I couldn't help but think "They're screwed either way!" and I'm really disapointed in myself for thinking that.
Then, I'm sitting here and as history is made, Obama is elected, I'm distracted because my cat is playing with a toy and it's cute. Way cuter than TV or my lappy. Sometimes, I wonder, what everyone was doing when history was made? When the planes hit the towers, what was I doing? I was in highschool at the cafeteria quietly eating my lunch. When Obama was elected? I was playing fetch with my cat and talking on the phone with Js.
I'm not uber poilitical, Js is alot more involved/aware than I am for that kinda thing. We talked about the election as it happened and I was surprised that we thought/felt the same way about it. We both pretty much said the same thing at the same time. We hadn't talked about it at all until then and I was surprised/shocked that we were on the same wave length. Go us!
I went to bed quite late last night and got out of bed quite late today. So, around 12:14pm I get a text message from Nick (about something so shamefull I won't go into detail!) and then fall right back asleep, but clearly, that message awoke the weirdness and my brain started sending me some pretty strange and quite specific and indepth images and thoughts.
So there was this talking Wrinkly Eye who sent Nick on a mission to retrieve the Chosen Pendant from the bottom of the sea. It had been lost by Wrinkly Eye's worst enemy, Dragon Neighbour.
... confused? Allow me to give you a back story... Wrinkly Eye was a man who was part of an organization along with a bunch of other men including Dragon Neighbour. These men were on a quest to solve a great big mystery and the knowlege they needed was inside that enganted Chosen Pendant. They all had to possess it for a certain amount of time and try to figure out a way to get the information from it. So Wrinkly Eye was the last on the list and Dragon Neighbour's turn was right before him. Dragon Neighbour was not a good man and took all the power in the pendant to turn himself into a dragon (hence the name!) and be all mighty and powerfull. When Wrinkly Eye's time came to have the pendant, Dragon Neighbour got annoyed at this little powerless man wanting to see the pendant so he turned him into a wrinkly eye (hence the name!) and lost the pendant into the sea so that he could remain forever powerfull.
Now, back to the story. So Wrinkly Eye met our fellow Nick and thought he'd be a good man for the job. He sent him on his mission and to his surprise, Nick was able to retrieve the pendant. What Nick didn't know was how much power rested in that pendant and everything that came along with it. On his way back to Wrinkly Eye, Nick started to discover some of the powers of the pendant like gaining control over all the animals from Africa and shrinking people's organs like raisins under the sun.
Nick returns to Wrinkly Eye's house only to get attacked by Dragon Neighbour (who clearly saw him, cause he lives right next door!) who wants his pendant back. Nick fights off the dragon and is able to shrink it's tongue with his new found powers. The dragon can't breath fire anymore without a tongue and dies a painfull painfull death.
The pendant is returned to Wrinkly Eye who's mission is now to figure out how to A) turn himself into a human again and B) discover the great power of the Chosen Pendant.
Now here's the strange part : He is so thankfull that he offers Nick his daughter in marriage and Nick accepts and they live happily ever after.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
I hate it when I'm convinced of something and then someone tells me otherwise like it's a well known fact. *arg!* Like when people tell you the sky is blue your whole life and then wake up one morning and decide to screw with your brain and start telling you it's red and look at you like you must be deranged or something thinking the damn thing was blue... Am I the only one who ever feels like that!?
I remember having conversations, vivid images carved into my brain... and now it appears it was all a dream or someone's been sneaking some pretty amazing crack in my drinks. (Maybe living in Vanier does have it's perks!) I seriously don't know what's wrong and I'm so annoyed. I feel dumb. There's not a worst feeling in the world for me. I know I'm a goof sometimes and I say some pretty lame things and come up with some pretty ("You see that bar there...") stoopid ideas... but I like to think that underneath it all, lies a person with a considerable dose of intelligence and wisdom, somewhat. The feeling of that teeny-person being on some kind of very very strong substance (or as Chris likes to call them : "Fucked up shit") makes me kinda nervous...
I can't think. I can't focus. I can't talk to my mom on the phone without growing very impatient (even more so than usual!) and I'm even growing annoyed at the noise of the clickity-click of the keys...
Elections are happening and it's 207 for Obama and 135 for McCain (juice box!) and I'm PMSing like it's going out of style.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Pretty normal Saturday in the life of me. Work was pretty good, must say. Did lots and digitz were kinda sweet! ;o) I've been slaving over some mock schedules that I need to prepare by next week and the more I get done, the more I realize that it's a great preparation even if I'm going to have to change it all anyways in a couple of weeks... *sigh* Gotta love retail!
Last night was fun. It almost didn't happen because Jf wasn't feeling too too great but he decided to go out anyways and I was thrilled cause I didn't really want to stay home alone in my Rosie the Riveter costume. *lame* We headed to Club Edge in an orange Batmobile and Nick and his bunch eventually showed up. We didn't stay uber long due to Jf's not-so-healthy-feeling and a these-hand-cuffs-don't-have-a-release-button incident. (Don't look at me! *points at Jf*)
I was really disapointed/surprised at how many people didn't know who Rosie the Riveter was. I know many people don't know her name and I'm not judging, 'cause I sure as hell didn't until a couple of months ago. I knew the icon and what it stood for. I knew why it was and where it came from. I got a ton of "Oh! It's the girl from the tampax commercials!" and that kinda thing. I'm kinda disapointed about that. Really? Is that what she represents now? Tampax. *mumbles something about loving/hating branding passionately*
My thoughts : She represents progress. She represents courage and strength. She represents determination and "thinking outside the box". She inspired many women to make a stand and do what they wanted.
Sure... sure, women were paid alot less than men and they were not always treated fairly for the work they provided. The point is : they did it. It was a start and they were fearless and they were determined to make a difference. Everyday I go to work, every time I drive my car and everytime I don't have to ask my "husband" the right to hang out with my girlfriends, I'm pretty darn happy these headstrong women did what they thought was right, even if it was the exact opposite of what was expected of them.
That's what Rosie means to me. I'm sure it wasn't all bunnies and roses... but I chose to see the positive side. It wouldn't be a story unless it had two sides.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Last night, Jf and I frantically went from one store to another to find a costume. I had a few ideas and options, Jf just decided he wanted to dress up as he got in his car... SO... needless to say, it was quite hectic!
A message to all my fellow retail workers : Next year, if you want to get in the "Working at the Holidays" mood... please, be my guest and go to places like Vallue Village, Zellers and Cody Party on the eve of the ween. Then quietly sit in a corner, cry and wish it was January.
MAD-NESS! Like I'll-leave-my-purse-in-the-car kinda madness! Just nuts!
Since it was Jf and I, of course, we found what we were looking for. I might have stabbed a couple of people with a fake sword on my way there, not quite sure... It was all a blur!
After, we needed some food and I was meeting up with my good old pal Gilbert for a beer. It was great to catch up with him, talked about this and that and the other thing... what's happened since we last saw eachother (last winter) and then what our plans are for the next couple of years/months/minutes.
It's great to have a friend like that. We meet up a couple of times a year and chit-chat and give eachother a little recap of what our lives are like. We're really different in many many ways, but very much alike in many many other ways. We work together fantastically as a team, we met in college and even now we rely on eachother when we have something to do that seems impossible. Kind of like a "JF-à-Distance". We also realized that we've known eachother for 5 years! 5 YEARS! That's HUGE! And I wouldn't have it any other way! ;o)
Having a talk with Gil always takes me back and makes me revisit the last couple of years. Some things I was proud of, some not so much, and alot of it went by in fast-forward.
So it's Hallowe'en and I'm getting ready to go to work, we got a memo yesterday saying we were allowed to dress up so I hade to figure out a way to wear my costume at work! *squeal* I hope Amina doesn't come in because I think my ears would fall off. Then out with the mo it is. Not sure where, it's in your hands, Batman!
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Today I went to St-Laurent and had lunch with Nick. Good times. I bought a shirt cause it was cheap with a gift card because I'm poor. Ta-da-dah! See... told you it was lame!
Nick told me he appreciated my blog *waves* and it made me really happy! :o) Didn't think it mattered to anyone what I wrote on here. Like the internet cares about what I do all day!?
It got us talking about how easy vs. hard it is to write when you're not writing to anyone specifically vs. addressing a letter to someone. He likes to write better when he's addressing someone and I like to write better when it's just random thoughts pouring out with no real aim or purpose (like these!). Which is why I really like this blog. Even if I write a letter to a friend, I usually never put a name on the top until I'm done writing it. I feel as though I should censor myself if I'm addressing someone, I consider how the person would interpret this and that... but on a blog that's more public, I don't have to. Strange?
Also, we talked about blogs in general and how he felt sometimes he could not always write EVERYTHING because he knew who was reading his blog. It's true, I don't spill all the beans on here and try not to point at anyone or anything too specific unless I'm making a point. I think it's important to keep a distance, not to have your entire life out there in the open cyberspace. You've gotta keep some prime info for some close friends and keep the mystery alive... ;o)
Speaking of mystery... Reminds me when J and I first-first-first started dating (post-Kujjuaqu, pre-military) . At first, we were not exactly sure what we were getting ourselves into. His enrollment, my apartment, the commitment and all the other "ment"s that come along with the beginning of a new relationship, so we wanted to keep it on the down low until we figured out what we wanted. (aka : not announcing it to the world on Facebook just yet...) People were asking questions, we were so giddy it hurt Nick's ears to hear about it 40hrs a week... and I loved it. We had so many inside jokes, we spent so much time together trying to figure things out. *sigh* People didn't know what was going on with us and we were on top of the world. We eventually had to officially Facebook ('cause it's a verb now!) our relationship because people wouldn't believe that we were a couple... Strange to think what this world's come to! (... and kinda lame too!)
Sunday, October 26, 2008
The greatly-fantabulous-most-excellently-amazingness of the bestest-greatest-most-wonderful coincidence of all time! *catches breath* Maggie and I both compared our men's itinirary for their flights home this Holiday... and guess what!? It's a match! This means that our boys are on the same flight home, this means that we will go get them at the airport together and this also means that it will be the most fantabulously-perfectly-awesome-kick-ass start of our Holidays together! If we would have planned it, it wouldn't have worked out better!
I'm so happy that I'll get to share that moment with my best friend. It means a whole lot to me and just the fact that we are both counting down the same amount of days is very comforting! What are the odds eh?! LOL I think Maggie and I have proven many many times that odds don't count when it comes to us.
Well there really isn't any bad... it goes straight to ugly.
Or the fugly or craptastic shite pile of gigantic magnitude! My grandpa (my Dad's Dad) has prostate cancer. He's going in for some more testing and such... but I'm not really hopefull. I know I'm not helping and I should try to be more positive about it and keep thinking that everything is going to be alright... but I'm very doubtfull about any of that. He's not the world's most healthiest man and he's not the world's most morally strong person either... and my grandma must be a gigantic mess. Huge. I don't really know what else to say. My dad told me today and I haven't spoken to anyone else in the family yet. I know my aunt must be devestated too. Her and my dad are the two eldest kids of the family and most (read : all) of the responsability always lands on their shoulders and I really hope the rest of the kids will man the EFF up and learn to friggen live with their differences this time around. I'm growing bitter towards my family and it's not cool, especially not at a time like this.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
So today was pretty marre-vé-lousse! *thick french accent* I had a pretty great day at work, busy but not insane, everyone was doing what they were supposed to be doing and everything went smoothly... I came home to some fantastic news (that still remains unconfirmed so curious minds will have to wait!) changed into something else than black clothes and went to dinner with my best friend and a friend of his I'd never met. (It was a total coincidence, I swear!) Food. Drinks. Cake. Fun was had by all! (I think!)
Most importantly, I came to a great conclusion that made me feel not so bad about breaking my pinky-swear with Nick. (Take it up with Jf, Nick. I had nothing to do with it!)
So when a close friend's relationship has come to an end, what's our job as friends? We want our firend to be happy so we try to find what's best for them and encourage them down that road. In this case, I strongly encouraged my friend to call me at the wee hours of the morning asking me to drive him home or asking me to hold his drink while he reaches for his 35th and hands 4 different guys his phone number. That was my knee jerk reaction in this case : get out there, get laid and come back when you're over it. In other (read : better) words : Don't plunge head first into a relationship, wait until you start dating again and don't get attached to quickly! That is, according to me, the bestest advice that I can give my friend (in this case) for him to live a little and not get hurt again (or hurt anyone else!). He agrees. All is well.
Then why is it that when my friend meets someone new and they start to spend some time together, I wave my mother's finger of shame at him going *tisk tisk*? Why is it that everytime I hear "we're not dating" I want to roll my eyes until I can see the inside of my skull?
How else is he ever going to get to know someone enough to be prepared to reinvest himself in a relationship that will be fullfilling and passionate for both of them? Sure as hell won't accomplish that if he's hanging off the side walk in front of a club too drunk to tell his ass from his face! (Thanks Erin!)
Allow me to translate with purse shopping : You're shopping for a purse with a friend. She's looking at a gorgeous Prada bag. You keep tuggin on her sleeve and begging her to at least consider the pleathery stuff they sell at Wal-Mart. It's cheaper, she'll be able to afford 154 purses for the price of just ONE Prada bag and you can just trash them when they are out of style. But your friend really likes the Prada and is still considering if she should get it or not... LET THE WOMAN CONSIDER THE PRADA BAG!
We're old. We don't necessarily need to get hammered out of our minds and do stupid things, that's why we spend so much time doing that a couple of years ago. Now, the wisedom is starting to sink in (for some of us!) and we can't expect to find what we're looking for in the same places and deal with our problems the same way.
My friend was doing exactly what I wanted him to do, exactly what's best for him and RIGHT under my nose and I was a blind fool for not seeing it. They are not adopting a child, they are hanging out and having a good time. For once (once!) he's actually doing what I tell him too... clearly, he must think it's his idea! ;o)
Friday, October 24, 2008
Today was a long and painful day back to work. Legs are in intense pain and I fear having to go for some more tests, needles and pain. I've been doing some stretching exercises for a month now and I'm not seeing any improvements. Arg! Oh well... The Holidays are almost here and I won't have time for the pain!
Chit chatting with a fellow MG tonight (convo did not even have anything to do with the question I'm about to ask) got me thinking... Do we, as MGs, put up with a crap load more from our men just because they are in the military? Let me explain.
Our men are a very special kind. Their jobs (read : lifestyle) is very demanding and they are always under some sort of stress or pressure. They are often sent away from home for long periods of time to undergo some intense training, work some insanely long and exhausting hours or are living in extreme conditions under extreme circumstances. Clearly, it's not always a bouquet of roses for them... or for us.
We support them as best we know how, put our lives on hold (!!) and completely change our lifestyle and even sometimes our hopes and dreams to support their careers. It's a huge commitment and especially for MGs who have no status according to the military and no recognition as a spouse, there ain't much in it for them more than a warm set of arms to cuddle in.
As we try to support them, we try to be understanding and maybe we let a couple of things slide under the radar more often than we would in a civilian (civi) relationship. I don't think I'd put up with a boyfriend who forgot my birthday or our anniversary because things got hectic at the office... but if he was busy that day, somewhere in the desert doing something he's not even allowed to tell you about for your own safety... you tend to be a little bit more forgiving and a little bit more lenient. (Thanks Nick! *sip*)
I mean, not that J's tried any of that on me... he's been good so far with important dates and keeping track of things... :o) *fills with love*
The above is a bit to the extreme... and it's hard to write this without making it seem like I'm pointing at someone : I'm not. I just started wondering about some women (or men) who end up putting up with alot more crap because of their significant other's occupation... Doctors, lawyers, anyone, not just military! There's a limit at being understanding and supportive and being the perfect spouse.
I think talking it out and having your expectations clearly laid out is really important. Wether it's a code word that means "you're going over board" or a simple rule like : You have the first 10 minutes when you get home from work to vent, rant and bitch about your day, then leave it at the door and move on. I'm sure each couple has their own little way of doing it... it's just important not to leave to many gray areas if you ask me.
It's the same for them. Our men are far away and they call us because they want to hear our sweet voice, they miss home and they are looking forward to unwind and talk to someone who dosen't out-rank them. Cue the bitching about our day, PMSing, car problems, family issues... I could go on! They have to work at being supportive of us also. Sure maybe their support dosen't show as boldly as a yellow ribbon tied around a tree... but if there were a Support our PMSing Women ribbon, I'm pretty sure J would have one on his car... and he'd even deserve a badge and a gold star or something! Someone give the man a button!
Anyways... all that to say that I think it's important to recongnize that both side of the relationship needs to be supportive and equally as understanding of the other party's limits.
Does that make any sense at all!? It's getting late and I had a coffee at 7h30 (brilliant, I know!)... and my fingers are getting more tired than my brain... or is it the other way around!?
It tasted great and we even tried a curry and chicken type... and it was tasty but we were so full, Jf ended up taking pretty much the whole thing home. Anywho's... so we get a coffee... walk the dog and chit chat a bit. I get home and start to relax and get ready for bed... and it's like all of a sudden, my stomach turned around and said "Eff you, Pho!" ... and I'll spare you the deets from here on in... Ew.
Kinda strange, but I wrote a snail-mail letter to the man tonight. We had a difficult situation to deal with this morning that was completely caused by me. All is settled now and I'm doing better than I've been over the last couple of days, I guess I just needed to get it out somehow. He called to say goodnight (before the pho-tastrophy) and like ten seconds after, I felt like telling him so many things. I didn't want to wake him and it didn't feel right to say those things over the phone, so I decided to write him a short but sweet kinda letter.
After turning the appartment upside down (which is probably how it's supposed to go anyways!) and adding "Decent Stationnary" to my shopping wish list, I chose a wonderfully cat-chewed letterhead from my old college and wrote from the deep deep bottom of my heart what I felt this very moment. Kinda stoopid, but it felt really good. I know he won't get it for another week, that's IF I get to mail it tomorrow but I already feel better for telling him, even if he dosen't know it yet. Weird. Must be the Pho.
I'm starting to like this blogging thing. Gives me a good excuse for coming up with intresting things to say here... "I won't have anything intresting to blog about... so I have to get out of these jammies and do something today!"... 'cause projectile-pho is intresting! It also gives me a good objective view on what's going on... like we say in french "J'me r'garde aller!"... good thing I didn't choose to blog a couple of years ago... cause the reality check would not have been a pleasant one!
On that note, I shall return to my ceramic-cold lover for the night... and try to keep the cat away from it all!
Thursday, October 23, 2008
I'm not typically a very jealous person. Yeah, I've been burnt like any other chick and I've got a wall the size of the CN tower... but I'm working on that!
Sometimes I feel, being a military girlfriend (MG), jealousy is something that is almost expected of me. With J being so far away for long periods of time, it's hard to feel 100% secure and confidant in a relationship. I have my moments of weakness when I think "What if...?" but I think I'm pretty good at keeping my feet flat on the ground until I can talk it out with him, get some deets and get the story straight. That's what works for us.
I know he loves me with all his heart and I know I love him with all of mine. I know he would never do anything to hurt me and that he misses me just as much as I miss him. So why do I sometimes react the way I do?
As my good friend Chris said : " [...] you like it or not, you DO feel insecure because you simply don't get to see him. Sure you get to talk... Woopididoo. That doesn't provide the closeness, the contact needed to get that security and trust. So, you're 1- Feeling insecure 2- Weird stories pop 3- You're a woman. So yeah, 1+2+3 = what you're living. "
I think Chris is right on so many levels. This is not normal "me" behavior. The distance is getting to me and it's driving me bonkers. I know I'm not alone in all of this and I know that everyone feels this way at some point during a relationship.
I feel as though sometimes we feed our own anxiety and fears. We (especially women) spiral in a never ending circle of fears and scenarios that play on loop in our heads of the worst situation imaginable. By doing that, we fixate on what's wrong and walk right by clear evidence that we are going insane with doubt. It's hard to trust ; to trust with all of our hearts, purely and without an ounce of questioning.
It's healthy to question, to fear and doubt. It proves to us that we are still human, trying to defend ourselves against pain and misery. If we didn't care, if we didn't worry about those we love, how would we know how much they matter to us?
What's not healthy is to make yourself miserable thinking and over thinking about the teeniest detail or the weirdest coincidence. If you choose to wallow in self pity and spend all day eating ice cream and empty out box after box of tissues wondering if you've been hurt, I say that's too bad for you. You've taken the decision of making your own life miserable before even knowing exactly why. Don't get me wrong, I've done that countless times and I've come to learn that I never accomplished much by doing so. I've only made it harder for me to forget about it because I'd invested so much time, energy and ice cream emergency money into something that wasn't even there.
I've substituted my ice cream spoon for a a good friend and a listening ear. I usually will filter my feelings of insecurity by telling the story to a friend who I know is honest and cares for me. They will tell me if I'm freaking out or give me the cue to pull out the interrogating-won't-buy-any-of-your-bullshit-better-have-a-good-reason-for-this bitch that I am! ;o)
In the long run, jealousy is healthy when taken is smart doses, it's a normal reaction. They way we deal with it is completely up to us...