... and this lack of sleep isn't helping.

I complain that I have too many things to do and not enough time and energy. I say I'm overwhelmed with work and everything else that's happening at home. I hate that I don't ever feel healthy and I get mood swings like they are going out of style... yet, I can't sleep! Nothing I do seems to help me recuperate and, at this point, I don't even have the motivation to try harder.

I need a friggen break. That's what I need. I don't mean a vacation or a trip down south (although that would be nice!) or anything like that... I just mean a friggen moment of peace and quiet.
I don't want time to think about things ; I don't want to think about anything.
I don't want time off from work to do something more fun ; I don't want to do anything.
I don't want to go to the Spa to relax and take care of me ; I don't want to care about anything.

I need a reboot botton. That's what I need. Something to give me a restart on life cause I'm running low on everything that's vital it seems.

Everyday that I'm at work, I put a smile on my face and power through everything and anything that's thrown my way. I can't break down in tears. I can't be sick. I can't be tired. I can't be fed up with the endless list of tasks. I'm not allowed. I need to be happy, patient, strong, healthy, energetic and motivated.

Everyday that I'm not working, I put a smile on my face and go about my daily life. I spend every single minute of every day planning for the next. I can't live in the moment because the moment isn't really pretty to look at right now. I haven't shaved in weeks, the dishes in the kitchen are stacking up, the laundry baskets are full but I have to run... Why would I want to focus on that when the future looks so much brighter from here?

Every time I hang out with friends, I put a smile on my face and try to absorb as much as I can, while I can. I always wonder if we'll make it in the long run, I'm always affraid of loosing them. I know I shouldn't feel this way, but it's hard not too. Life happens, people move on to bigger and greater things. It's hard to always be the "alone but not single" one of the pack... If I go out with a bunch of single friends, I feel like the outsider because I can't flirt and I'm not necessarily in the mood to meet new people. When I go out with friends who are happily taken, I feel like the outsider because my "happy taker" isn't there...

I feel as though each moment that I live, I spend it longing for the next. Waiting for the next step. Hurrying by to get to the next check point. Like someone attached my life to a string and just tugs on it a bit every time I reach out.

I wish I could just live the moment for what it is. Forget about tomorrow, next week or next month. Let's face it : I don't really get that much of a say in the matter. It's so much easier when Js is here, everything just falls into place... one moment at a time.