Saturday, August 10, 2013

Rock, Paper, Twins - I win.

So my husband and I went out for a late lunch yesterday with the twinslets and his co-worker's girlfriend was our server and when the restaurant quieted down, she came to chat with us. She was complaining that she was tired and overworked to which my husband, equipped with his best most tiny-teeniest most saddest violin said "Rock, Paper, Twins. You lose." and I shit you not, she said "No. Seriously, guys you can't be more tired than I am. You have no idea. I've been here since 7 am this morning." Note that it was 3pm-ish at this point. I didn't say anything because I probably would have gotten arrested but my husband replied "Exactly, before 7am, you were sleeping peacefully and once your shift is done you get to go home and stop doing whatever it is that makes you tired." My answer would have been something closer to "Betch I'mma cut you!" alas, I had to play nice. She wouldn't let up so just so she would leave we called it even.

But she wasn't done pissing me off for the day, no sir! Betch came back and went on and on about how twins run in her family and bla-bla-bli-bla-shut-your-whore-mouth and said "I'm not looking forward to having twins." (like it's a sure deal) and I, quite proudly, replied "Well don't worry, it won't be as bad as working since 7 am." Are you for fucking real?

Anyways, lessons learned:

Monday, August 5, 2013

Family Visits

As we're just recuperating from my Dad visiting us for about a week to meet the babes and help us out, we're also getting ready for my father-in-law and his wife to come to Saskatchewan to do the same. Don't get me wrong, I love my in-laws. They're awesome and so supportive and so generous with us and excited beyond belief to meet the twins that it warms my shriveled little raisin of a heart. When you look at the big picture, as helpful as it may be it's still an added stress to have family over for any amount of time when you're still trying to get to know your own kids.

Even before the babies were born, I told Js about my "worries" for when family came to visit. The house won't be clean enough, we'll be tired, they'll get bored, they'll tell us what to do and when, and I'll loose my cool. I'm overall not one who deals well with being told what to do in normal circumstances. 

While I'm trying to figure out what the fuck we got ourselves into and how to handle these little shrimp I gave birth too, I don't need anyone to look over my shoulder and tell me what to do because "that's how we did it back in the day" or whatever. I need to fool myself into thinking I got this and I'm doing the right thing. I can't go on questioning myself day-in and day-out because I will literally go insane. Js brushed off my anxiety about it all saying "Don't freak out until we actually get there, it might not be that bad. You're overreacting (my personal favorite) and you're creating a problem before it actually happens." Well, sure as shit - the minute my Dad and my Aunt walk through the door and make the slightest comment at how Js is handling the babies, something along the lines of "watch his head" or "be careful" he internally looses his mind. After trying to convince myself that it wasn't going to happen and it wasn't such a huge deal, I'm now frantically bracing myself for the next couple of weeks. It's different when it's not your own parents, I guess. I was able to brush off most comments from my Dad and my Aunt whereas Js took them a lot more personally. That's what I have to look forward to. Yay.

When family says they want to help - my advice is to make sure their definition of "help" matches with your definition of "help". I don't want anyone to go ahead and scrub the inside of the fridge clean. I want someone to watch the babies while I take an extra long shower and do my nails. The fridge can wait. I'm worried that I'll wake up one morning and my mother-in-law will have gone through the pile of random shit stuffed into the little where-shit-goes-to-die drawer in the kitchen. Not helpful. I'm still at the same point as I was before except with a better organized junk drawer.

As for providing entertainment for our guests...

Today's Style - 5 August 2013

What not to say to a woman pregnant with twins

Now, don't get me wrong - I loved being pregnant. It wasn't always rainbows and butterflies but my pregnancy was relatively uneventful and I was able to enjoy the "magical time" although I doubt being nauseous 24\7, extra armpit hair, not being able to clip your toenails, and being an unstoppable disgusting nuclear-weapon-grade gas machine is anything remotely close to anyone's definition of "magical".

I loved my overgrowing belly and boobs. I loved feeling the babies kick and flip. I selfishly loved having them all to myself. I loved having tougher nails, thicker hair, and having to buy a whole new wardrobe.

However, being pregnant comes with having to deal with stupid people saying stupid things. Mind you, some people mean well and don't think they sound like an idiot but they do. And during this "magical" time, I was able to blame the hormones for being a rude sarcastic shrew. Now that my friends is truly magical!

Some idiot comments don't even warrant a response. Anything along the lines of "Whoa! You're HUGE!", "Are you sure you don't have two in there?", and "Sleep now while you can!" can only be ignored or drop kicked in the face but for the record:

A) When did it become acceptable to loudly comment on a stranger's size or physical appearance? How about I comment on your pajama pants, crazy WalMart lady?
B) There are two in there you wang. But if I tell you that I'll have to keep talking to you because you'll want to know shit that don't concern you. Lets leave the small beings inside my uterus out of this and both continue on our merry way before I cut you.

Here are a few idiot comments we got during the pregnancy. I say "we" here because my husband got a few good ones too and normally if we're both present when graced with this wisdom, I let him handle the idiot for fear of getting sued or hurting the babies in the process of slapping a bitch.

Idiot: "Isn't it a bit early to announce your pregnancy to everyone?"
Do you realize you're pretty much saying "Well, you could still lose the babies" to a very hormonal pregnant woman? Do you? Because if you do, then you're most welcome to go fuck your hat.

Idiot: Oh twins! Do you know what they are?
Humans. They're humans. Yes I know what genders they are. And no it don't concern you. None of your fucking business is what they are.

Idiot: A boy and a girl - and on your first try! Well done!
First try? FIRST TRY? *fumes* After three years of trying to conceive, it's a well beaten path, my friend!

Idiot: A boy and a girl - are they identical?
No. One has a penis and the other one a vagina. How could they possibly be identical you wad?

Idiot: Twins - how did you manage that?
*walk away*

Idiot: You're never going to sleep again!
Thanks for the fucking great encouragement there asshole! I'll make sure to think about this gem of wisdom next time I'm elbow deep in poop at 3am.

Idiot: If you can get them on the same feeding schedule, it can't be that hard.
Oh reeeallllyyy? Is that how you did things when you had your twins? Oh right, you have no idea what you're saying and you are speaking straight out of your ass. Until my babies can tell the time and wear a teeny watch and use a teeny day planner I don't expect them to know what each other's schedule is like. 

That's all I got for now... I'm sure random strangers will continue to grace me with their nuggets of wisdom or insane questions and I hope to be able to continue to bring them here if not for your amusement, in hopes that some idiot will come across this and know how profoundly stupid they sound.


Related Posts with Thumbnails