What not to say to a woman pregnant with twins

Now, don't get me wrong - I loved being pregnant. It wasn't always rainbows and butterflies but my pregnancy was relatively uneventful and I was able to enjoy the "magical time" although I doubt being nauseous 24\7, extra armpit hair, not being able to clip your toenails, and being an unstoppable disgusting nuclear-weapon-grade gas machine is anything remotely close to anyone's definition of "magical".

I loved my overgrowing belly and boobs. I loved feeling the babies kick and flip. I selfishly loved having them all to myself. I loved having tougher nails, thicker hair, and having to buy a whole new wardrobe.

However, being pregnant comes with having to deal with stupid people saying stupid things. Mind you, some people mean well and don't think they sound like an idiot but they do. And during this "magical" time, I was able to blame the hormones for being a rude sarcastic shrew. Now that my friends is truly magical!

Some idiot comments don't even warrant a response. Anything along the lines of "Whoa! You're HUGE!", "Are you sure you don't have two in there?", and "Sleep now while you can!" can only be ignored or drop kicked in the face but for the record:

A) When did it become acceptable to loudly comment on a stranger's size or physical appearance? How about I comment on your pajama pants, crazy WalMart lady?
B) There are two in there you wang. But if I tell you that I'll have to keep talking to you because you'll want to know shit that don't concern you. Lets leave the small beings inside my uterus out of this and both continue on our merry way before I cut you.
C) YOU CAN'T ACCUMULATE SLEEP!

Here are a few idiot comments we got during the pregnancy. I say "we" here because my husband got a few good ones too and normally if we're both present when graced with this wisdom, I let him handle the idiot for fear of getting sued or hurting the babies in the process of slapping a bitch.

Idiot: "Isn't it a bit early to announce your pregnancy to everyone?"
Do you realize you're pretty much saying "Well, you could still lose the babies" to a very hormonal pregnant woman? Do you? Because if you do, then you're most welcome to go fuck your hat.

Idiot: Oh twins! Do you know what they are?
Humans. They're humans. Yes I know what genders they are. And no it don't concern you. None of your fucking business is what they are.

Idiot: A boy and a girl - and on your first try! Well done!
First try? FIRST TRY? *fumes* After three years of trying to conceive, it's a well beaten path, my friend!

Idiot: A boy and a girl - are they identical?
No. One has a penis and the other one a vagina. How could they possibly be identical you wad?

Idiot: Twins - how did you manage that?
*walk away*

Idiot: You're never going to sleep again!
Thanks for the fucking great encouragement there asshole! I'll make sure to think about this gem of wisdom next time I'm elbow deep in poop at 3am.

Idiot: If you can get them on the same feeding schedule, it can't be that hard.
Oh reeeallllyyy? Is that how you did things when you had your twins? Oh right, you have no idea what you're saying and you are speaking straight out of your ass. Until my babies can tell the time and wear a teeny watch and use a teeny day planner I don't expect them to know what each other's schedule is like. 

That's all I got for now... I'm sure random strangers will continue to grace me with their nuggets of wisdom or insane questions and I hope to be able to continue to bring them here if not for your amusement, in hopes that some idiot will come across this and know how profoundly stupid they sound.

Our Infertiliy Adventures - Comments



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For those of you who know me personally or who've been reading this blog for quite some time, you are probably wondering why anyone would ask me stupid questions knowing full well that a dry, sarcastic and probably very rude response is inevitable.

Here are my personal top choices:

"How come you guys don't have kids?"
SHIT HONEY! WE FORGOT THE KIDS IN THE CAR!

"So, no kids yet?"
No, we prefer to eat small children. We've had a couple... but... you  know..

"So, when are you guys going to start popping out kids?"
Well it does sound like a grand old time when you put it that way. 

The thing is, we can't blame people who don't know about our situation for asking these questions. How could they know, right? What irks me is when people we've known for a long time who are fully aware that we want children still ask us this question.

"Is it you or him that's the problem?"
Actually we both have a problem with people asking stupid questions.
or
Problem?! Thanks, I feel much better.
"Just relax."
 ... *slap*

"It'll work eventually."
I've been telling myself that for the last-three-fucking-years.

"Oh, just ride a bike backwards/do it in the shower/eat a pear/flap your ears, it worked for me!"
Well spank my ass and call me Nancy! I've been going through all these very uncomfortable medical procedures but really all I needed to do was toss a coin in a fountain at the mall?! Why aren't we there RIGHT NOW?!

"So, like, how is it not working?"
I don't know... on the topic of genitalia, did you take care of that rash?
Seriously, dude, don't ask me about the inner workings of my uterus in front of people. That's just fucking rude.