Thursday, December 19, 2013

Christmas Vacation

This year, we opted to stay home and enjoy a relaxing Christmas with the babies versus the chaos that comes with travelling with two babies and having to live out of suitcases. That's our gift to our family.

The kids likely won't have many memories of their lives in Moose Jaw but we want to remember their first Christmas in their first home.

I came across a blog post not long ago preaching limiting your obligations during the holidays and doing things for you and your family instead. At least,  that was my interpretation of it. It made me think of all the things I want to do for and with my children and it made me realize that, in order to do those things, I would have to learn to let go of certain things that are expected of me. I never claim to be super mom, I simply try my best to do what's best for my family. I really couldn't give two shits how other people perceive me or my parenting. This doesn't stop during the holidays.

Yesterday someone asked me if we had any holiday traditions and I was taken aback. It's our first time as a family of four (+2 for the pets) we don't have traditions yet! But when we do build some traditions with our family, I want them to be stuff we enjoy. Not something we do grudgingly just because it's what's expected of us.

Today is my husband's last day of work then he's off until the new year. We will spend our time as a family taking it all in and doing as much or as little as we damn well please. :)

Monday, December 16, 2013

Hoping for a better day!

Yesterday was one of those days that seemed it would never, ever end.

I was just tired and my back was sore from nursing and overall bad posture sitting on the ground wrapping presents.

Boy had a couple mental breakdowns with cries that hurt behind the eyeballs. He used to scream like that before whenever he pooped but nothing came of it yesterday so we are staying alert today for poo-splosions.

Something just switches on when your baby is inconsolable and screams at the top of his wee lungs. I know I should be doing something but I went down the list of possible ailments and we are down to "try and soothe" him and hope he falls asleep. My mind just goes blank to everything and everyone around and survival mode kicks in.

It's too late to be colic or Periods of Purple Crying - we went through that with the girl earlier on.

I toss it up to his tummy bugging him. Poor tiny!

Here's hoping he feels better today. I have a new woven wrap that I want to break in but he would have none of it yesterday and I can't wear her when he's keeping me on my toes like that. I promise photos.

Friday, December 13, 2013

Take *that* Santa!

We are DONE the Christmas shopping for the kids. :)

We only got them a few small toys like blocks and balls and more "advanced" rattles along with one bigger toy, an activity block like the ones at the Dr's office. :)

They are still too little to understand Christmas but we still wanted to get them some stuff we would end up getting them anyway.

We don't really have that many toys for them and didn't buy any in advance because there was so much more useful stuff we actually needed right away "times two".

Truth be told, we also want to wait until Boxing Day and once we've opened all the gifts from family.

Next year, there will be less room for error and they will need more expensive toys so we are keeping it low key this year and making our first Christmas with them more about the memories we are making for ourselves.

Last Christmas I made a huge traditional meat pie dish that contained dear and beef and porc and chicken, gagging the whole way through because of my aversion to meat and watched Love Actually on a loop with a cold cloth on my forehead. It was grand. I felt so blessed, nausea and all, and I tried to imagine what this Christmas would be like... I still haven't the faintest clue but I'm pretty excited. :)

Thursday, December 12, 2013

Blogger app? Whaaat?!

I finally dug my head out of my ass and download the Blogger app onto my phone. Hurray!

Meaning I should be able to blog more even if there is a small child playing/vomiting/sleeping on me.


Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Post Maternity Clothes Reality

I have this shirt that I love. It's from the "work out" line from GAP. *shows how white I am* It's so comfy and it's got thumb holes and I love it. I wore it a bit at the beginning of pregnancy because I refused to stop wearing it. Alas, belly got in the way and I had to stuff it in a drawer until we could be reunited once again.

I put it on this morning for the first time post pregnancy. I felt awesome! Look at me, fitting in my shirt again! It even fits better than before and look at m'tatas!

...and then my son puked on it.

Saturday, August 10, 2013

Rock, Paper, Twins - I win.

So my husband and I went out for a late lunch yesterday with the twinslets and his co-worker's girlfriend was our server and when the restaurant quieted down, she came to chat with us. She was complaining that she was tired and overworked to which my husband, equipped with his best most tiny-teeniest most saddest violin said "Rock, Paper, Twins. You lose." and I shit you not, she said "No. Seriously, guys you can't be more tired than I am. You have no idea. I've been here since 7 am this morning." Note that it was 3pm-ish at this point. I didn't say anything because I probably would have gotten arrested but my husband replied "Exactly, before 7am, you were sleeping peacefully and once your shift is done you get to go home and stop doing whatever it is that makes you tired." My answer would have been something closer to "Betch I'mma cut you!" alas, I had to play nice. She wouldn't let up so just so she would leave we called it even.

But she wasn't done pissing me off for the day, no sir! Betch came back and went on and on about how twins run in her family and bla-bla-bli-bla-shut-your-whore-mouth and said "I'm not looking forward to having twins." (like it's a sure deal) and I, quite proudly, replied "Well don't worry, it won't be as bad as working since 7 am." Are you for fucking real?

Anyways, lessons learned:

Monday, August 5, 2013

Family Visits

As we're just recuperating from my Dad visiting us for about a week to meet the babes and help us out, we're also getting ready for my father-in-law and his wife to come to Saskatchewan to do the same. Don't get me wrong, I love my in-laws. They're awesome and so supportive and so generous with us and excited beyond belief to meet the twins that it warms my shriveled little raisin of a heart. When you look at the big picture, as helpful as it may be it's still an added stress to have family over for any amount of time when you're still trying to get to know your own kids.

Even before the babies were born, I told Js about my "worries" for when family came to visit. The house won't be clean enough, we'll be tired, they'll get bored, they'll tell us what to do and when, and I'll loose my cool. I'm overall not one who deals well with being told what to do in normal circumstances. 

While I'm trying to figure out what the fuck we got ourselves into and how to handle these little shrimp I gave birth too, I don't need anyone to look over my shoulder and tell me what to do because "that's how we did it back in the day" or whatever. I need to fool myself into thinking I got this and I'm doing the right thing. I can't go on questioning myself day-in and day-out because I will literally go insane. Js brushed off my anxiety about it all saying "Don't freak out until we actually get there, it might not be that bad. You're overreacting (my personal favorite) and you're creating a problem before it actually happens." Well, sure as shit - the minute my Dad and my Aunt walk through the door and make the slightest comment at how Js is handling the babies, something along the lines of "watch his head" or "be careful" he internally looses his mind. After trying to convince myself that it wasn't going to happen and it wasn't such a huge deal, I'm now frantically bracing myself for the next couple of weeks. It's different when it's not your own parents, I guess. I was able to brush off most comments from my Dad and my Aunt whereas Js took them a lot more personally. That's what I have to look forward to. Yay.

When family says they want to help - my advice is to make sure their definition of "help" matches with your definition of "help". I don't want anyone to go ahead and scrub the inside of the fridge clean. I want someone to watch the babies while I take an extra long shower and do my nails. The fridge can wait. I'm worried that I'll wake up one morning and my mother-in-law will have gone through the pile of random shit stuffed into the little where-shit-goes-to-die drawer in the kitchen. Not helpful. I'm still at the same point as I was before except with a better organized junk drawer.

As for providing entertainment for our guests...

Today's Style - 5 August 2013

What not to say to a woman pregnant with twins

Now, don't get me wrong - I loved being pregnant. It wasn't always rainbows and butterflies but my pregnancy was relatively uneventful and I was able to enjoy the "magical time" although I doubt being nauseous 24\7, extra armpit hair, not being able to clip your toenails, and being an unstoppable disgusting nuclear-weapon-grade gas machine is anything remotely close to anyone's definition of "magical".

I loved my overgrowing belly and boobs. I loved feeling the babies kick and flip. I selfishly loved having them all to myself. I loved having tougher nails, thicker hair, and having to buy a whole new wardrobe.

However, being pregnant comes with having to deal with stupid people saying stupid things. Mind you, some people mean well and don't think they sound like an idiot but they do. And during this "magical" time, I was able to blame the hormones for being a rude sarcastic shrew. Now that my friends is truly magical!

Some idiot comments don't even warrant a response. Anything along the lines of "Whoa! You're HUGE!", "Are you sure you don't have two in there?", and "Sleep now while you can!" can only be ignored or drop kicked in the face but for the record:

A) When did it become acceptable to loudly comment on a stranger's size or physical appearance? How about I comment on your pajama pants, crazy WalMart lady?
B) There are two in there you wang. But if I tell you that I'll have to keep talking to you because you'll want to know shit that don't concern you. Lets leave the small beings inside my uterus out of this and both continue on our merry way before I cut you.

Here are a few idiot comments we got during the pregnancy. I say "we" here because my husband got a few good ones too and normally if we're both present when graced with this wisdom, I let him handle the idiot for fear of getting sued or hurting the babies in the process of slapping a bitch.

Idiot: "Isn't it a bit early to announce your pregnancy to everyone?"
Do you realize you're pretty much saying "Well, you could still lose the babies" to a very hormonal pregnant woman? Do you? Because if you do, then you're most welcome to go fuck your hat.

Idiot: Oh twins! Do you know what they are?
Humans. They're humans. Yes I know what genders they are. And no it don't concern you. None of your fucking business is what they are.

Idiot: A boy and a girl - and on your first try! Well done!
First try? FIRST TRY? *fumes* After three years of trying to conceive, it's a well beaten path, my friend!

Idiot: A boy and a girl - are they identical?
No. One has a penis and the other one a vagina. How could they possibly be identical you wad?

Idiot: Twins - how did you manage that?
*walk away*

Idiot: You're never going to sleep again!
Thanks for the fucking great encouragement there asshole! I'll make sure to think about this gem of wisdom next time I'm elbow deep in poop at 3am.

Idiot: If you can get them on the same feeding schedule, it can't be that hard.
Oh reeeallllyyy? Is that how you did things when you had your twins? Oh right, you have no idea what you're saying and you are speaking straight out of your ass. Until my babies can tell the time and wear a teeny watch and use a teeny day planner I don't expect them to know what each other's schedule is like. 

That's all I got for now... I'm sure random strangers will continue to grace me with their nuggets of wisdom or insane questions and I hope to be able to continue to bring them here if not for your amusement, in hopes that some idiot will come across this and know how profoundly stupid they sound.

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Today's style - 23 July

Whoa - they're here!

So it's been a few months... I thought time was slipping away so fast during the last few months of my pregnancy but I had no idea what was yet to come.

My babes were born on July 2nd - at 34 weeks at 5 days, just shy of the 36 weeks gestation twins need to be considered full term.

My water broke on June 19th while I was putting some plates away in the dishwasher. I felt a pop and a flush and suddenly, I was standing in a puddle of goo. I didn't say a peep and went straight to the bathroom to make sure I hadn't pissed myself. I had heard the amniotic fluid could smell sweet and that was one way to tell if it was actually that or just plain old pee. I have never smelled a piece of toilet paper so closely. This wasn't pee.

I went to the living room to tell my husband we needed to go to the hospital right away. He thought I was kidding (we had, after all, just discussed at our prenatal classes 2 days prior when was an appropriate time to go to the hospital at any stage of pregnancy) but when I stepped closer to show him the water dripping down my legs and showing through my pants... panic ensued.

We packed half a hospital bag, grabbed a towel, and made a run for it. I was admitted at our local hospital where they did a quick exam and confirmed what we thought. Then they gave us an envelope with my file and we were to drive to a bigger hospital in another town because our local hospital isn't equipped to deal with preemie babies. Fab! It was expected but I kind of also expected them to take me there themselves... I could see in my husband's face the fear of having to birth our children himself on the highway. It was one of the longest 45 minute drive of my life. Especially circling around the hospital trying to find parking.

Once admitted at this second hospital, they gave me some medication to help slow down labor and some steroids and antibiotics in case the babies did decide to make their grand entrance early. They gave me a room and I was finally able to get some rest and know that if anything happened, we were in the right place. The next day, an ultrasound determined that the membrane of one of the babies had ruptured and I would be Leaky McLeakerson until I gave birth to them. Not fun. So I stayed at the hospital 13 days leaking all over the place.

On July 2nd - 3 days before I was to be discharged and able to go home and give birth in our local hospital to term babies, I woke up with a massive migraine. I went for an non-stress test administered by Slothlike McSlowerson and as I got onto the incredibly high bed I felt something go "ugh" in my belly and a few minutes later I started getting really uncomfortable and if that woman didn't find my babes on the Doppler right away and didn't get what she needed out of this test within the usual 15 minutes, I may explode in murderous rage. Back in my room, around 10am I was now certain I was feeling contractions. I texted m husband and he got on his way. The nurse checked in on me just as I was hanging off the side of the bed for dear life right at the peak of the strongest contraction I had felt yet. She brought in a resident doctor who said these words exactly "Screw this, we'll do an exam and see if this is true labor" - you see, because of the ruptured membranes, no one wanted to stick their germy fingers in there until they were sure it was actually labor. I was dilated at 3cm which isn't really a huge deal - some women go weeks at this stage until the real work kicks in. Turns out, I am not one of these women. They were going to look into getting me a room in the Labor and Birth unit "just in case" and I was left to suffer in peace.

At this point, I got a phone call from a local number I didn't know on my cell. Of course, my mind raced to the worst possible scenario - that my husband had had a car accident and someone had found his cell and was calling the last number called from their own cell. This logic is flawed, I get it - but at the time it seemed solid as rock. Of course, it wasn't the case at all... the conversation went something like this:

Me: Hello.
Dude: Hello, is this Marie?
Me: Yeah...
Dude: This is SoandSo from KIA, are you still interested in a Rio?

Now let me stop you right there and clarify that I have NEVER been interested in a Rio nor have I ever given my phone number to a KIA sales dude. Needless to say, the conversation didn't really take off... I debated telling him I was in labor just to be able to tell someone. I didn't. I just said "no" and hung up on him, I didn't have the energy to lose my shit.

They moved me to Labor and Birth right away to get an assessment in one of their teeny assessment rooms... by then it was around 11am and my husband was texting me a picture of the parking meter notifying him that the parking lot was full. Of course. Anyways, he found a spot and came running to L&D where I was still waiting because they were cleaning a room for me. That's when it hit that these babies were coming today. This wasn't another trial run. This was the real shit.

By 11:30am, the doctor came back in to assess me again and saw that I was already at 7cm dilated. So within a few hours, progress had more than doubled and I was still sitting there waiting for facilities to become available. How fucking dirty was the room they were cleaning out for me? I don't know. I remember asking if they could just plastic-wrap everything and clean it later. The nurse did not see the humor.

The OB walked in, full of rage, and said it was unacceptable that I wasn't in a room yet and we needed to move fast because everything was moving along quite quickly. I agreed and she asked if I minded being in the OR- this way, I would be all set for my c-section if needed and well... I wouldn't have to wait any longer for an epidural. She had me at "drugs".

Yes, I got an epidural. Call me a wuss, I don't care. It is a small slice of heaven.

 They moved me to a nipply OR on the smallest, narrowest bed you've ever seen. Well, it was actually a normal OR bed but given that usually you get a nice bed with side rails to hang on to, room to roll over in pain and all the usual luxuries of a hospital bed... this one looked quite small, cold, and hard.

Right way, they put in an Epidural and bunch of other gross stuff. By now it was 1pm and I was fully dilated - that's right, I went from 3cm to the whole thing in like 3 hours. I'm not sure how common that is but let me tell you something it is NOT fun. I was still having contractions but no urge to push so the Doc said I should rest while the Epidural was kicking in and take a bit of time to gather my energy before the fun started. Which I did. For nearly 4 hours! Nothing was happening. They gave me an hour to sleep or do whatever I wanted but then they wanted to get these babies out so I started trying to push to no.fucking.avail. Nothing was happening. The baby was in the right position but it wasn't low enough or making any progress.

The nurse on shift was getting bored and she decided it was personal. She said these babies would be born by the end of her shift - she had sat next to me and had put up with my husband's humor for the entire friggen day and she was going to get something out of it. She made me change position which I suspect the effort alone helped move things along. It was much easier for me to push this way and we started to see some progress. I should clarify here that the bed was so narrow, they had to add some extensions on the either side so that I could lay on my hip and rest my back on a very kind nurse who's job was to just stand there and hold my leg up. No more stirrups for me!

Finally we were making progress and they called in the OB to deliver my babies. I knew the baby was coming because we went from having only the one nurse in the room with us to about 15 - 20 people all at once. They called in the NICU teams for both babies, a team to do the c-section if needed, and two doctors. Now let me tell you, if there's anything a pregnant women who's giving birth doesn't need, it's the pressure of 15 people just standing around staring and waiting for you to squeeze this baby out. Fun times.

In case there were any complications and for them to properly assess the second baby, I had to flip back on my back for them to be able to do an ultrasound right after the first one was born. When I was just a few pushes away from home base, they flipped me over on my back and set the stirrups back onto the bed. I put my foot back into the stirrup and with the next push... the whole thing came crashing down from underneath me and the baby is coming out. I can't stop pushing but I'm half hanging off the edge of the bed. My husband got a hold of my knee and a few moments later, my son was born (4lbs 13oz). The Doc, unfazed by the disaster of the crumbling bed and the metal parts rolling about the floor put my son on my belly. At this moment, everything went fuzzy except for him. I could only see the top of his head and I just cradled his head in my hand and said "mon bébé". My husband says at this point the Doc was yelling at the nurses to leave the bed parts alone and take this baby off of me. Seriously, this Doctor was amazing. My husband cut the cord and then went with our boy to a team of nurses where they assessed him, cleaned him up and gave him to me in a warm blanket for some snuggles before taking him straight to NICU.

Then everything stopped.

The Doc did an ultrasound and said that baby girl who'd been transverse in a breech position all evening was suddenly all lined up and ready to come out the good old natural way. My contractions had stopped but he Doc assured me it was normal and that they would start back up again in a few minutes. Nope. My girl was quite content in her newly renovated uterus and happy with how spacious it was and didn't want to come out of there - she actually started going back up and away from the exit.

At this point, I'm not sure if the Epidural catheter had slipped out or dislodged or exactly what happened but what I can tell you is that I wasn't feeling it anymore... or rather, that I was feeling everything.

They started upping the dose of whatever devil drug I was on to induce contractions every few minutes. It was a good 30 to 40 minutes until the contractions actually started and boy did they ever! The pain was quite intense and while I was expecting the same level of pain as with the first born, it was a bit too late to get any other sort of comfort measure in place. I would have to suck it up and do this one on my own. Looking back on it now, I am amazed at how two births can be so different - even two births from the same pregnancy. Sure, one of them was medicated to help alleviate the discomfort and the second was medicated to bring on the tidal wave of pain but still; everything felt so different and unique - it had to be more than the medication. Now, I see it as a very real reminder that both my kids are unique individuals. They may be twins but they are already so different.

94 minutes after my son was born, I gave birth to my beautiful baby girl (5lbs even). She came out faster than her brother did but the road leading there was definitely harder on me. Mind you, no equipment malfunctions occurred. I was exhausted by then but I was so happy that it was all over and my babies were here. I got to hold her when she was still all goopy and then again all clean in a warm blankey before they took her to the NICU. Our plan was that my husband would go with the babies when the second one came while they cleaned me up and that we would meet up again in the recovery room.

As he followed the team of nurses out of the OR he looked over and said "Hey honey! That wasn't so bad... we should try for another one right away!" ... I pointed to the door and said "Get out." and he did.

And there you have it.

My babies are born. They are sleeping right behind me as I write this and I can hear their little breaths and their little cooing. They'll be due for a feed soon and I'll probably panic a little bit when they both cry at the same time, because warming the milk is taking too long, or worry they won't go back to sleep after their feed, and so on but deep down inside I will be filled with joy that they are here at last, they are healthy, and they are ours. All ours.

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Mother's Day musings

Mother's day has become for me a day I really wish stopped existing when my mother stopped existing. I mean, yes I still recognize that she was my mom and she loved me with every ounce of her being and she will never ever be replaced or forgotten. But having a whole day dedicated to this special and unique bond to have with one individual is very difficult when it's a constant reminder that this person isn't there anymore.

The last two years have been especially hard since becoming a mother myself was all I really wanted out of life but for some reason it just wouldn't happen. No one could explain to me why and reassure me with certainty that it would actually ever be.

So I stuck my head as deep in the sand as it would possibly go and counted down the hours for the day to be over. I woke up late, went to bed early, and tried to stay away from any sort of Hallmark store.

This year, my emotions are conflicted and I'm having a really hard time dealing with them... or at least understanding what I'm feeling.

I can feel the same dread creep on when people talk about their plans for Mother's day. I wish it wasn't there to remind me that my mother is not. It's a kind of loneliness that really doesn't get any resolve of any kind.

On the other hand, I'm happy to finally have been blessed with becoming a mom-to-be. An event I never thought I would get to celebrate... yet, I can't seem to because of this gray cloud hanging over my head. And that makes me feel so guilty.

Why can't I leave it aside and embrace the fact that my little ones are on their way? Why can't I truly appreciate their existence (and the fact that they are tap-dancing on my bladder has nothing to do with it)? I am so grateful to be where I'm at today and sit here as I get my innards punched and kicked and squeezed - why can't it be just that simple?

Mother's day is still a few weeks away and I hope I get some better grasp and understanding of my feelings by then. That I can enjoy the day for what it's worth to me now and maybe these babies will help me redefine this day into something new. Something magical I can't even being to understand right now... I have to give myself some time.

Saturday, March 2, 2013

Hello Body - Nice to meet you!

I haven't always loved my body. Hell, I haven't always liked it even but I've been able to maintain it relatively healthy and able to work with what I've got. Since getting pregnant, I've discovered things about my body that I never expected to come out of it growing two extra little wee bodies.

During the first trimester of my pregnancy I lost a lot of weight for many different reasons. I was feeling really nauseous at the beginning and I didn't want to take medication for it until I had passed the 3 month mark. Why? I don't know. I kept telling myself it couldn't be that bad, that it was normal to feel this way in the first trimester. By week 13 I was literally begging my doctor to do something to make it all go away magically and instantaneously. Also, a very common side effects from all the medication I was taking for fertility treatments is weight gain. How much does it suck to know that a side effect from a medication you're taking to help you get pregnant can actually reduce your chances getting pregnant? A lot.

In the long run, I lost over 13lbs in my first trimester. I was monitored every few weeks by my doctor but he wasn't worried because of all the reasons mentioned above. Plus, I already had some extra cushion for the pushin' so it's no like my or the babies' health were in danger.

Now, I'm in my second trimester and though my appetite is a little bit better I'm still not pilling on the pounds as the books say. I was a bit worried but I figure as long as I'm eating and keeping it down - nutrients are being absorbed and my babies are growing. Right?

I'm enjoying this whole "getting to know my body all over again" thing. It's not an advantage I expected from pregnancy. So many women hate their bodies while they are pregnant - they feel like it's not their own or like it's getting destroyed by the baby. So far, I'm really enjoying this new experience and appreciation of everything my body does for me when I'm not looking.

Friday, March 1, 2013

Getting back on track!

It's been way too long since I've taken the time to step back and look at my life and spew random thoughts, feelings, and opinions on here. Way too long. It's amazing (and terrifying) how quickly we can forget how important it is to just assess what's happening instead of reacting immediately. I miss that most when I don't blog, I think.

Enough of that!

I'm glad to be back! :) I'll be working on revamping the look and branding of the blog a bit to go along with the semi-new direction I'm hoping to take it.

For those who haven't figured it out yet from my (not so) subtle posts back in December... We're having BABIES!! Yes, plural. A common "side effect" from our fertility treatments - though I don't know how I feel about calling my future children "side effects". Sure, babies are a side effect of having sex but with the dosage of medication I had to take... "side effects" doesn't have a very positive connotation in this context.

Enough about that for now. I've been keeping log of my thoughts and the conflicting (as per usual) ideas and opinions that keep me awake at night - or during my mid-afternoon nap - so I'm looking forward to putting them all to computer screen and sharing them. Thoughts I never thought I would even consider but now looking at the world through the still wee eyes of these wee human beings that are currently, I can only assume, having a tap dancing contest - the world is a brand new magical and scary place. I'm all the more intrigued...


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