Moment of Reality

I'm having a sucky this-whole-infertility-stuff sucks a whole lot more than usual day. I don't want a pity-party, it's just my reality for today. It's part of my reality every day but some days are easier than others. It took me a long time to come to terms with these emotions and feelings of inadequacy. I'm doing better now but I still have quite a way to go.


I'm starting another round of treatments today. While my heart fills with a renewed hope, my head fills with renewed doubt, fear and hate for my body.

Anxiety

I refuse to let it ruin my life. Even though it seems like just something else I'm failing at these days...

It's no secret that I have some problems dealing with anxiety and I've been working really hard this past year (at least) at moving forward and getting over my fears and issues. With the many massive changes that have happened over the last 6 months of my life, it's been even more difficult to overcome the hurdles of my past.

In a way, my mother's passing has helped me deal with some of the underlying crap I've been holding on to. Things I was afraid of telling her and things I couldn't bring myself to hurting her with have sort of taken the front seat and allowed me to deal with them head on and shamelessly. I don't have to tip-toe around my words anymore as much as I used to and that's allowed me to grow and come to terms with lots of it. It's also helped me open up about these issues to Js and that helps him understand why I'm as crazy as I am to some level. I know this all sounds really vague and weird but I'm not entirely ready to blog about the bulk of my damage so you'll just have to read between the lines for now and let your imagination run free.

That being said, I can't keep blaming everything on my past. It's not like I'm running out of anxiety sources in my every day life... ha!

This lifestyle has it's ups and downs and lately I feel like I've been handed more downs than ups. Mind you, I can't really complain about our quality of life out here compared to some horror stories I've heard from friends across the country. Some days, I like to stare at the wall and have a little pity party of my own. This is one of those days and it just happens to be the eve of Js' return from deployment and it sucks balls.

I know it's a normal part of homecoming to have some mixed feelings, feeling nervous and anxious and all that... but throw in a healthy dose of PMS and blizzards in April and you've got one very, very crusty military wife.

Truth is, some of the people here are really starting to pull at my last nerve and I feel more and more like locking myself up in my house and praying for a posting message out. I hate feeling this way because we do have some great friends and I've been blessed with a great, albeit temporary, job opportunity - I can't help but feel like we still have things to see and stuff to live out here.

I know most these feelings are linked to my anxiety and it makes it really hard to express my feelings, especially when I'm being emotional (read : irrational). I flipped out at Js today over the phone for something totally stupid, something that could have waited until he got home and we could have talked it out more constructively instead of me screeching on the phone.

Truth is, I just want him home. I just want him to get it when I need someone to tell me it's going to be okay and reassure me when I'm feeling insecure. Is that so much to ask? Is that so hard? When he's home, he can gage my anxiety better and he can sort of pad the walls and minimize the damage. I know it's not healthy to use him as a crutch and I don't think that's what I'm doing, but I also know it's not healthy to attempt to fix the broken pieces of your life and leaving your husband completely out of it.

It's all about finding a balance - with the anxiety, with Js, with my emotions - and focusing on what's good. Anxiety is not just something people use to blame their mood swings on or to express emotions, it's a mental state and an invisible disease.

//end pity-party.

Good times grooOOoow in Ontario!

Yes, we're in Ontario now. It makes the wedding seem oh-so-friggen close and then we realize that it actually is oh-so-friggen close and the panic sets in.

We both had an AMAZING day yesterday. Our fabulous friends planned our Bachelor and Bachelorette parties perfectly. Everything was epic and turned out great. I will post more pictures as more make their way to Facebook. I was pretty much kidnapped so I didn't have my camera on me. I was able to take a couple with my camera phone but there are bad, bad, fuzzy pictures I drunkenly took of random things. Right on!

I sustained only one minor injury as we stumbled through downtown Ottawa in search of every bar who'd have us. I only noticed this morning when I took a loofa to my elbow that it was scrapped and it stung like the devil's pee.

Js has been sleeping since 4:30pm, it's 6pm now. It's given me the opportunity to show my step-mother-in-law (SMIL) my gown and such and catch up on some blogging/reading. The flight over here was okay a bit long but overall good. I'm still trying to get used to the time change - that should settle over the next day.

I should probably get some rest too... this week is going to be astronomically stressfull. Ugh.

Wedding update : *attempts to get ducks in row*

I don't even know where to begin. I've been wanting to write a wedding update for a bit now because it seems like it's all I've been working on but it's hard to find the inspiration to come up with something worth sharing.

Things are coming along and my mother has been pretty good at messaging me daily with her countdowns. Time is a tickin'.

I spent 2 days figuring out (read : re-re-re-doing) the seating plan to make sure everything falls into place. Also trying to keep things as organized and clear as possible because we are facing some pretty tight time lines when we get there. Plus, once we leave Moose Jaw whatever's left to be done will probably not get done so we have to make sure everything is good and ready to go before we get on that plane.

In a way, it's a bit of a relief. We'll know that everything's done by the time we get there so we'll be able to enjoy our time a bit better, I guess. Ask me that again in a couple weeks!

WOW! This post is going nowhere.

Wedding Update : Alterations are underway... finally!

Oh man, oh man, is it ever difficult to find a seamstress in this blessed town!

The store where I bought my dress don't offer the service - what's up with that?! - and they recommend someone who's all the way out in Regina. I picked up that woman's business card and called... and called... and left messages then promptly gave up. I don't want someone who's not going to return my calls trying to alter my dress. Kkthxbai.

Then a friend of ours was supposed to give me the contact info for the lady who did her gown a year ago or so. So I waited, waited, emailed then promptly gave up.

Then Js needed some pants to be hemmed - don't cringe, just pray - so I went in there with him and I saw the seamstress had a couple wedding gowns in the back so I asked and she said "Sure, just come by with it and I'll have a looksee." The place is old and raggedy and there are doilies, salmon colored carpets and their machines look like Singer assembled them himself.

She's the seamstress who does all the mess kits and all the alterations on uniforms for the entire base... she's a pretty busy woman but quite reliable me thinks. That also means she's quite busy. When I told her when I needed the dress for she said "I'm so happy I met you!" - I like her humor. She also went on and on about how men shouldn't design women's clothing... that's why they always needed alterations "No one has boobs like that!" She also went for a full-on grab of my left butt cheek. She was going for the frills under the skirt and just went *bam* palm first on my ass. So glamorous!

I hope she is truly magical because well... she's my last hope.

Blankness

I've had quite a bit going on over here but I can't seem to find anything good to say. It's that beige blankness, again. Kind of like a cycle, wouldn't you agree? Lame.

With the wedding getting nearer and nearer, we're feeling the stress start to get heavier and heavier. We seem to have a lot of things figured out already and most of our ducks are in a row but there are still a few too many strays for my liking.

I'll post wedding updates as they happen or as I find the energy to, which ever comes first. Our weekend was UBER busy but spent some quality time with the boy and the dog so it was okay overall.

I have neglected you, dearest readers. My sincerest apologies! I promise to look deep down into my soul *echo* and find some good to blog about. I am working on some good things and I should focus on that. Look out for wedding updates, some serious decision making, ramblings, procrastination and much much more.

I just want everything else to fall magically into place.

PS: Oh, and I have to attend an award gala thingy tomorrow night so I won't be watching Lost at my usual time. :( Please warn of spoilers with giant neon letters until approximately 11pm CST. I also noticed that I have not blogged/rambled about Lost for the last couple episodes. Denial. That's what that is.

Stress. Sleep. Not good.

Ugh! I've been having a very hard time to shake off the sleepy-numb feeling lately. I can't wake up in the morning and I can't seem to fall asleep at night. I'll fall asleep anytime during the day as soon as my head hits the pillow. What's going on?

My sleep patterns are shite. I'm feeling sick constantly but I think it's from lack of quality sleep time. I've made efforts to eat better and more consistently this week, I'm doing a bit better, but still not back to my normal Me.

Is it because Js is coming home soon? Nerves? The Holidays? Health issues? PMSing? I don't know anymore!

Maybe it's the day light thing? I'm done work at 5pm and by the time I leave the mall, it's dark outside. What the eff is up with that? I always feel like sleeping because it's always night outside... then I nap during the day and can't sleep during normal hours! That might be it... but right now, I really really want this to stop. I can't be this tired for when Js comes home. It's going to be a c-r-a-z-y time for me. Work's going to be insane. I will want to spend every extra minute with him! Ugh!

Would someone just inject some Vitamin C or something in my veins so I can make it to December 19th in one piece? I hate that I will probably be a mess by the time he comes home because of work and everything else I have to do. I hate that I will be uber tired and probably will need to run around for some Holiday errands and such...

I'm so afraid that this won't be a great Holiday season for us! With all the stresses that we are living right now, it's hard to imagine things going smoothly.

Way to go, Marie. When you're stressed and worried about something, create something else to add to your stress and worry. *rolls eyes*