Anxiety

I refuse to let it ruin my life. Even though it seems like just something else I'm failing at these days...

It's no secret that I have some problems dealing with anxiety and I've been working really hard this past year (at least) at moving forward and getting over my fears and issues. With the many massive changes that have happened over the last 6 months of my life, it's been even more difficult to overcome the hurdles of my past.

In a way, my mother's passing has helped me deal with some of the underlying crap I've been holding on to. Things I was afraid of telling her and things I couldn't bring myself to hurting her with have sort of taken the front seat and allowed me to deal with them head on and shamelessly. I don't have to tip-toe around my words anymore as much as I used to and that's allowed me to grow and come to terms with lots of it. It's also helped me open up about these issues to Js and that helps him understand why I'm as crazy as I am to some level. I know this all sounds really vague and weird but I'm not entirely ready to blog about the bulk of my damage so you'll just have to read between the lines for now and let your imagination run free.

That being said, I can't keep blaming everything on my past. It's not like I'm running out of anxiety sources in my every day life... ha!

This lifestyle has it's ups and downs and lately I feel like I've been handed more downs than ups. Mind you, I can't really complain about our quality of life out here compared to some horror stories I've heard from friends across the country. Some days, I like to stare at the wall and have a little pity party of my own. This is one of those days and it just happens to be the eve of Js' return from deployment and it sucks balls.

I know it's a normal part of homecoming to have some mixed feelings, feeling nervous and anxious and all that... but throw in a healthy dose of PMS and blizzards in April and you've got one very, very crusty military wife.

Truth is, some of the people here are really starting to pull at my last nerve and I feel more and more like locking myself up in my house and praying for a posting message out. I hate feeling this way because we do have some great friends and I've been blessed with a great, albeit temporary, job opportunity - I can't help but feel like we still have things to see and stuff to live out here.

I know most these feelings are linked to my anxiety and it makes it really hard to express my feelings, especially when I'm being emotional (read : irrational). I flipped out at Js today over the phone for something totally stupid, something that could have waited until he got home and we could have talked it out more constructively instead of me screeching on the phone.

Truth is, I just want him home. I just want him to get it when I need someone to tell me it's going to be okay and reassure me when I'm feeling insecure. Is that so much to ask? Is that so hard? When he's home, he can gage my anxiety better and he can sort of pad the walls and minimize the damage. I know it's not healthy to use him as a crutch and I don't think that's what I'm doing, but I also know it's not healthy to attempt to fix the broken pieces of your life and leaving your husband completely out of it.

It's all about finding a balance - with the anxiety, with Js, with my emotions - and focusing on what's good. Anxiety is not just something people use to blame their mood swings on or to express emotions, it's a mental state and an invisible disease.

//end pity-party.