Kicking and screaming

You know, when you feel overwhelmed. You wonder when it's all going to stop, when you're going to get a break from it all. Are we just kidding ourselves? Do we ever get a break or do things just keep coming up it's just we don't let ourselves get so overwhelmed depending on the circumstances in our lives?

Work's been just nuts lately with the transportation strike, the Holidays and the ton of new staff and the gigantic over stock due to economy drop... Why am I stressing so much about this? I can't do anything to change it. None of it. So why am I ripping myself to shreds feeling miserable about this? Last Holiday came and went and I was wondering where all the drama had gone!? It just got pushed back a year... cause it's all hitting home now!

I think that a lot of it has to do with how we perceive things. I've been going around the last two days constantly thinking : "Oh. My. God. This can't be happening! Why does this have to happen now? This has been the worst day ever." It was, but did I make it that? I spent all day worrying, turning things over and over in my head thinking to myself I would never find a solution and this would never end.

This morning, I decided that I wasn't going to think like that today. I was going to make an effort to try to find solutions with a clear mind instead of giving up. I decided I was going to take breaks and time to make some decent food (somewhat!) to replenish a bit of energy and salvage mental health. It worked! I didn't feel as anxious as the last two days and the day went by a lot faster. Sure, sure, it did take me two hours to drive home... but instead of calling Jf to complain, I called my dad and let him tell me about his day.

Over the last two days, every time Js called me, I was in a bad mood. I didn't have time to talk because I was either shoveling, driving or freaking out for some random reason. I always felt like crap when I came home because I know that he's having a so-so week too and he probably needs to talk just as much as I do. I sent him a couple of emails even if I knew he wouldn't get them until this weekend, at least it gave me some sense of communicating and getting my point across.

Tonight, he called and I was upset. Not because of everything that was happening over here, but because I knew wasn't there for him this week. I wanted to talk to him about it, about a ton of stuff, but he's standing in a public hallway, talking from a pay phone : bad time.

I love him. I didn't even have to tell him anything, I just said I wish we could talk more and a couple of words and he knew what I was concerned about and how I was feeling and we didn't even need to talk it out all that much. He knew. He said what I wanted to hear to help me bottle it all up until Saturday. He'll be back in Saskatchewan then and we'll talk about it then. It's nothing major, it's just sometimes you need to voice it, even if you know the other person already knows what you are going to say. I think I understood what he was feeling too. I hope.

Lesson learned #1 : If you keep saying it's the worst day in the universe, it won't get any better, pretend everything is fine and today won't be as bad as yesterday was. A crappy day is only what you make of it.

Lesson learned #2 : Don't unload all your crap on your man if he's having a bad week, you'll only feel worst, wait until you can talk it out. Even if you don't think he gets it ; he does. Just because they deal with things differently, doesn't mean they don't deal with things at all. We cry, they joke - secretly, they just want to see us smile or hear us laugh to make their troubles go away.

The weekend is coming and I hope things settle themselves, the weather behaves and the busses resume. I'll go about the next 7 days, kicking and screaming, until he tries to make me laugh again.