Maudite Jalousie...

What is it with jealousy!? What's the deal? Is there any good that can come from it?

I'm not typically a very jealous person. Yeah, I've been burnt like any other chick and I've got a wall the size of the CN tower... but I'm working on that!

Sometimes I feel, being a military girlfriend (MG), jealousy is something that is almost expected of me. With J being so far away for long periods of time, it's hard to feel 100% secure and confidant in a relationship. I have my moments of weakness when I think "What if...?" but I think I'm pretty good at keeping my feet flat on the ground until I can talk it out with him, get some deets and get the story straight. That's what works for us.

I know he loves me with all his heart and I know I love him with all of mine. I know he would never do anything to hurt me and that he misses me just as much as I miss him. So why do I sometimes react the way I do?

As my good friend Chris said : " [...] you like it or not, you DO feel insecure because you simply don't get to see him. Sure you get to talk... Woopididoo. That doesn't provide the closeness, the contact needed to get that security and trust. So, you're 1- Feeling insecure 2- Weird stories pop 3- You're a woman. So yeah, 1+2+3 = what you're living. "

I think Chris is right on so many levels. This is not normal "me" behavior. The distance is getting to me and it's driving me bonkers. I know I'm not alone in all of this and I know that everyone feels this way at some point during a relationship.

I feel as though sometimes we feed our own anxiety and fears. We (especially women) spiral in a never ending circle of fears and scenarios that play on loop in our heads of the worst situation imaginable. By doing that, we fixate on what's wrong and walk right by clear evidence that we are going insane with doubt. It's hard to trust ; to trust with all of our hearts, purely and without an ounce of questioning.

It's healthy to question, to fear and doubt. It proves to us that we are still human, trying to defend ourselves against pain and misery. If we didn't care, if we didn't worry about those we love, how would we know how much they matter to us?

What's not healthy is to make yourself miserable thinking and over thinking about the teeniest detail or the weirdest coincidence. If you choose to wallow in self pity and spend all day eating ice cream and empty out box after box of tissues wondering if you've been hurt, I say that's too bad for you. You've taken the decision of making your own life miserable before even knowing exactly why. Don't get me wrong, I've done that countless times and I've come to learn that I never accomplished much by doing so. I've only made it harder for me to forget about it because I'd invested so much time, energy and ice cream emergency money into something that wasn't even there.

I've substituted my ice cream spoon for a a good friend and a listening ear. I usually will filter my feelings of insecurity by telling the story to a friend who I know is honest and cares for me. They will tell me if I'm freaking out or give me the cue to pull out the interrogating-won't-buy-any-of-your-bullshit-better-have-a-good-reason-for-this bitch that I am! ;o)

In the long run, jealousy is healthy when taken is smart doses, it's a normal reaction. They way we deal with it is completely up to us...