A month goes by...

Not gonna lie, I have been purposely avoiding even loading up my blog's page. Not quite sure why... it's just been bugging me - not having anything to report. I guess it's more of a "if you don't have anything good to say, don't say anything" approach which really goes against the whole point of this blog. I tend to censor my ranty/venty posts and I always start writing drafts and then just delete them when they are a total disaster.

I don't want this blog to turn into a pity-party or a downer for anyone who reads it and I'm really struggling with finding the right balance. Until I figure that part out, the inspiration to write just isn't there...

P.i.s.s.e.d.

I don't remember when I was last this pissed off. Seriously.

I think the most frustrating part of it all is not having anyone to talk to about it to try and calm my fucking nerves down. With that, comes the realization that I feel really alone.I want a coffee date with Maggie because I know she'd get it.

Js is away so I can only vent to him to a certain extent. I mean, not much he can do and no sense in him being pissed off along with me while he's away. I have never wanted to be posted right the fuck out of here this badly. We love Moose Jaw, our home and the life that we've build for us here. Why is it that a bunch of egotistical, selfish, hypocrite bastards have to come in an make it seem worth leaving all behind?

It just irritates me to no end. Normally, I try to be rational and give my all to fix things and make it better. This time around, I just want to scream really. I'm done trying. I'm done giving people the benefit of the doubt. I'm done listening to reasons and excuses. I'm mad - deal with it.

This post isn't a cry for help or attention but a mere warning... I can just see the headlines "Military Wife Rips a New Asshole to Random Passerby".

Bran Misrepresentation

I can't take bran-promoting commercials anymore! I just can't. I refuse to watch them. Period.

This past year, companies have been trying really hard to promote bran products. Is it because it's cheap to produce? I don't know and I don't care for the research... but it got me wondering why it got so important to be regular all of a sudden.

Years ago, you had the occasional Metamucil commercial every once in a while during soap operas and day time television. They were mostly well targeted, bland and very technical campaigns. Then All-Bran decided to explode (pun intended!) everywhere and make bran the latest trend in dieting. It makes me want to hurl. I'm sure they were hoping for the opposite effect, too bad!

(You can't imagine the efforts I'm putting in censoring all the bad jokes. Gratuitous poo-humor amuses me to no end!)

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying bran isn't good for you or necessary to a well balanced diet and personally, I really like the taste of All-Bran cereal because I'm weird like that... but I'm also aware that marketing bran as a way to loose weight is just wrong! Some commercials are presenting their product as a preventive, healthy dietary option. Some are presenting it as a way to fit into your jeans. I searched everywhere on YouTube to find a clip of that commercial but I got nothing... Basically the one I'm referring to goes something like this :

*Woman1 tries to button up size 6 pants*
*Creepywoman2 is quietly sitting on a couch behind her, watching the struggle. (Creepy!) Then chimes in and says "I can't let that happen to my friend, so I recommend this brand of cereal" which irks me... see Rant #1*
*Cue the typical white screen and shots of fluffy giant flakes in a bowl and pouring milk*
*Woman1 can finally button up her pants, everyone is happy, I set myself on fire, the end.*

Rant #1 : When my friend is having a bloated day, I'm A) Certainly not watching her dress quietly from the couch in her living room and B) Certainly not going to tell her "You need to lose weight, here, purge yourself by eating some bran and you'll fit in your pants within the next 30 seconds!" I mean, come ON! I'd slap her if I could! As a good friend you are supposed to say "Here, try these looser fitting pants. The bloating will go away in a couple of days, wanna go for coffee?!" No? What about the "Can't let that happen to my friend..." part... I'm pretty sure, my friends are well aware of their body and if I start telling them what to eat and when, I don't think that would go over very well. At least not with me! It's just a common situation, totally blown out of proportion by bad marketing and it just makes me want to scream.

Rant #2 : When the crap *snicker* did it become okay to tell your friends they need to poo more?!

Rant #3 : Eating disorders are not a thing to be fooled around with. This commercial is pretty much saying "Poo more and you'll loose enough weight to fit in your pants!" It doesn't say anything about healthy eating or any other benefit of adding an appropriate portion of bran to your diet. According to SomethingFishy.org, it is not uncommon for a man or woman suffering with Bulimia to take diet pills in an attempt to keep from binging, or to use diuretics to try to lose weight. Sound familiar?! Thought so.

Sure, I may be overreacting, but having studied advertising and having been submersed in branding and consumer behavior, I know how this kind of advertising can affect vulnerable people's habits and alter their perception of reality. Someone suffering from Bulimia who's been trying to dig themselves out of the hole can easily see this as a guilt free way of purging. It's wrong and for a company that wants to promote healthy eating habits, I don't think they are being very considerate.

We always accuse the news and the information media of bending the truth to their advantage, I think we should start digging a bit deeper...

Maudite Jalousie...

What is it with jealousy!? What's the deal? Is there any good that can come from it?

I'm not typically a very jealous person. Yeah, I've been burnt like any other chick and I've got a wall the size of the CN tower... but I'm working on that!

Sometimes I feel, being a military girlfriend (MG), jealousy is something that is almost expected of me. With J being so far away for long periods of time, it's hard to feel 100% secure and confidant in a relationship. I have my moments of weakness when I think "What if...?" but I think I'm pretty good at keeping my feet flat on the ground until I can talk it out with him, get some deets and get the story straight. That's what works for us.

I know he loves me with all his heart and I know I love him with all of mine. I know he would never do anything to hurt me and that he misses me just as much as I miss him. So why do I sometimes react the way I do?

As my good friend Chris said : " [...] you like it or not, you DO feel insecure because you simply don't get to see him. Sure you get to talk... Woopididoo. That doesn't provide the closeness, the contact needed to get that security and trust. So, you're 1- Feeling insecure 2- Weird stories pop 3- You're a woman. So yeah, 1+2+3 = what you're living. "

I think Chris is right on so many levels. This is not normal "me" behavior. The distance is getting to me and it's driving me bonkers. I know I'm not alone in all of this and I know that everyone feels this way at some point during a relationship.

I feel as though sometimes we feed our own anxiety and fears. We (especially women) spiral in a never ending circle of fears and scenarios that play on loop in our heads of the worst situation imaginable. By doing that, we fixate on what's wrong and walk right by clear evidence that we are going insane with doubt. It's hard to trust ; to trust with all of our hearts, purely and without an ounce of questioning.

It's healthy to question, to fear and doubt. It proves to us that we are still human, trying to defend ourselves against pain and misery. If we didn't care, if we didn't worry about those we love, how would we know how much they matter to us?

What's not healthy is to make yourself miserable thinking and over thinking about the teeniest detail or the weirdest coincidence. If you choose to wallow in self pity and spend all day eating ice cream and empty out box after box of tissues wondering if you've been hurt, I say that's too bad for you. You've taken the decision of making your own life miserable before even knowing exactly why. Don't get me wrong, I've done that countless times and I've come to learn that I never accomplished much by doing so. I've only made it harder for me to forget about it because I'd invested so much time, energy and ice cream emergency money into something that wasn't even there.

I've substituted my ice cream spoon for a a good friend and a listening ear. I usually will filter my feelings of insecurity by telling the story to a friend who I know is honest and cares for me. They will tell me if I'm freaking out or give me the cue to pull out the interrogating-won't-buy-any-of-your-bullshit-better-have-a-good-reason-for-this bitch that I am! ;o)

In the long run, jealousy is healthy when taken is smart doses, it's a normal reaction. They way we deal with it is completely up to us...