Productivity

Js has been gone for a week and I wish I could say I've been super productive this week but it would be a huge lie. I have done... NOTHING. I did the dishes once or twice because well... I ran out of plates and cups.

I have a rule that I allow myself a NOTHING-day for each week that he'll be gone. I'm on day 6 of NOTHING and he's only gone 4 weeks this time around. Fail. I blame PMS.

So today I have to suck it up and actually do something productive. I have started a little at-home way-part-time-job so I have to send in a report for that. Of course, I don't have the proper software on either of our three laptops at home so I have to go in to work this afternoon. Also, my friend is leaving for a month to go visit her family back in Quebec so we're planning to have dinner together tonight. Great reason to shower and get dressed, right there! :)

I also have to clean up after by slobby self this afternoon because I'm hosting a trunk show on Monday evening and Jack can be as charming and cute as he'd like, it won't make up for a couch covered in kitty fur.

I think it's important to keep up some kind of routine while Js is away because it keeps me sane and moving. It's so tempting to watch sappy movies, eat all the ice cream I want and just snuggle with the pets on weekends. That's why I allow myself a few days... that way, I have a deadline and I know I have to kick things back in gear but it also allows me to have a little pity-party in the privacy of my own home and not bore (read : annoy) everyone around me with about it.

It's important to know how to stay alone. I never thought about it before because, well, it was never part of my reality before. You're face with two options : Sob all the way home and wait by the door like a little puppy for his return or adapt your lifestyle and hold the fort by yourself until he's back. Wanna guess which one I'm aiming for?

Sure, yes - I know, he's in a safe place, doing a safe job and that only for a grand total of 4 weeks. I am totally not complaining, at all. I just feel like if I let it all go this time around, I'll lose it when duty call's him to go somewhere not so safe and doing a not so safe job. But that's for a totally different post... ;)

Well, I should practice what I preach and get off my tush and actually get that laundry started. I *HATE* doing laundry. It's usually one of the first things that make me miss him the most... ;)

Phone reception

I'd forgotten what it felt like to hang up the phone not knowing when the next time we'll be able to talk will be. *sigh* I worked really really hard at not crying and almost succeeded.

The phone reception really really sucked in his room so I guess it's just a glimpse of how shitty we can expect satellite phones to be. Ugh. We couldn't find a straight answer on when/how often he'd be able to call home so I literally have not a hot clue of when I'll hear from him again.

Also, random thought : Funny how we say "phone reception" instead of "phone connection" with the digital era. :)

Leaving so soon...

Js is leaving in a handful of days and I really don't know how to feel about it.

I'm glad I was able to take a few days off and spend some time at home to wrap my mind around everything that's going on. I'm happy that he's going because he's been waiting for so long, it's a safe and pretty much risk-free deployment and it's only for a short month. Also, it's been quite a while since we've had to be a part and there is a small part of me who's looking forward to having the bed to myself... :)

There's also the part of me who wishes he wasn't going. It'll be a super busy month and having him around would be really helpful this month. Plus, he'll be missing my birthday (again!) so that kinda sucks. I'm thankful that my friend has decided to drive out to Moose Jaw for Easter weekend so I won't feel totally alone in the world. Sure, I have friends here, but I know that seeing them without Js being around is going to make me miss him even more.

I feel like we've grown so much together in the last week - more so than perhaps in the last couple months. I know this deployment is going to be good for us. For our relationship, to remember what it's like to live without each other and to be anxious to be home together again. We tend to take these things for granted after a while, I think.

This deployment also puts a small hold on some of our summer plans, so I'm anxious for it to be over and we can keep working on our current projects. We're looking at another TD (Temporary Duty - usually away from the home base) month this summer so we'll need to figure out how to plan around that one too.

So that's what's going on. :)

--blank stare--

I must have started to write 8 different blog posts over the last two weeks. It's been especially difficult to but words to paper (computer screen?) because it's hard to figure out where to start. So many emotions that I can't even begin to explain and so many thoughts, I don't know where to start.

I'm settling in back at home and getting used to the new life. Coming back to a new job also means a totally new lifestyle for us but it'll all work out in the end. I've been keeping busy with friends, work and some stuff I've been meaning to do around the house. Let's hope that lasts me long enough so I can get back to semi-normal life.

Yesterday I had a moment. I talked to my Dad on the phone and it was just a reminder of how far away he is. It's easy to pretend that he just lives down the street, that my Mom is just at work. When reminders come along, that's when it gets rough. I can't just call her at work or leave her a Facebook message asking her to call me later. She won't. She's gone and I don't want to be reminded.

Home is where your cat is.

I never thought I could miss a little fuzzy thing like my Jacko so damn much. Yes, I do miss Js and Nova and everyone else but missing Jack's been pretty difficult in this whole situation.

I miss Js with all my heart but I can call him, I know he's there for me and thinking about me while I'm away. I know he wishes he could be here with me during this difficult time to support me and my family and that is incredibly comforting.

Since I adopted Jack 5 years ago (already!), he's always been there. I've always been able to find comfort in snuggling my nose in his neck and falling asleep to his soft purr. When old boyfriends dumped me, when Js left, when Js came back, when Js left again and came back again and left again, when I decided I was moving wherever Js got posted, when I found out it was Saskatchewan, when I miss my family, when I opened up old wounds to learn to live again - Jack was always there. He's my constant and when I look at him, I know I'm where I should be. It's silly really, to attach such a huge emotional hook to a small kitty cat who can't even talk let alone understand everything that I rely on him for. Maybe it's just that. He's there no matter how much I depend on him, he can't talk back and he lets me make my own decisions and just snuggles.

The challenges that I've faced this week definitely call for a very long snuggles session between Jacko and me to restore my strength and courage. He's 3000kms away and it sucks.