Friendships : Redefined

Of all the things I've learned with this lifestyle and this insane life, friendships will always amaze me!

There's the Obligation Friendship, that's the one based on work acquaintances, ranks, units, trade - you know, the technical stuff that doesn't really matter. Those are the friends who will treat you with respect (somewhat) during official functions or at I-kinda-have-to-go-to-this-but-really-couldn't-care-less social gatherings. Normally, you don't really bother getting to know these people inside and out, just the basics will do. They are not those you turn to in a time of need or run to to offer support. They are more like a business relation. You probably won't keep contact with them once one of you is posted and neither will they but that's okay.

There's the Situational Friendship, this one has a pretty wide range of variety. She can be your husband's buddy's wife, he can be another spouse you run into at the MFRC all the time, they can be the only couple that's your age and doesn't have kids on the base. You get along due to a nice combination of demographics, interests and posting timings. You're posted on the same base, at the same time and probably for the same reasons, so why not hang out?! They are the people you think to yourself : I don't think I'd normally be friends with them, but they're here and us too and we get along. You may keep contact with them or you may just reconnect at another base in a posting or two, but that's okay.

Who doesn't like a good old fashioned Occasional Frienship?! Everyone has those! They are the people who you run into while walking the dog or dropping off the kids at the day care, exchange some polite how-do-you-do's and continue on your merry way. They are great people and fun to talk to but not really the person you'll call to hang out or go out of your way to visit. It's nice to have that kind of connection, especially in a small base. You run into the same people over and over again so it's always more pleasant to be polite and on good terms. Most of the time, you won't connect with these people outside of the little tid-bits of conversation because either they have kids and you don't or they live on base and you don't so your lives and schedules just don't jive. They'll be sad to watch you get posted away but it was expected and they really didn't know you all that much... and that's okay.

The Hopeful Friendship is a tricky one. This is the friendship where you think "I really like this girl - we should hang out more!" and then you do but eventually, life happens and you make other plans -like John said. He's the friend from highschool you run into at the store and say "Give me a call, we'll hang out!" knowing full well you never will and neither will he. You really hope you're going to stay friends but you know the odds are against you. That's the kind of friendship you'll develop with people who are from the area where you are posted or with friends who are releasing or retiring. Especially when you find yourself moving every couple of years and having to start over, it's hard to commit to a Forever Friendship (more on those later!) without feeling guilty but you learn to deal and it's okay.

The Now Friendship is a good alternative to the Hopeful Friendship. It's more common between military spouses and members. Every party is aware that the other may have to pick up and leave on a moment's notice. This friendship is usually the people who are in the same place in their life as you are but are up for a posting next year. You know they are leaving soon but you get along great now so why not bond. We had a grand old time hanging out with the Smiths back in BC, it just sucks that we met them like 3 months before getting posted to Nova Scotia! You may or may not keep contact with these people but it was kind of expected, so it's okay.

Then, there's the Forever Friendship, the friends you will keep close contact with regardless of where they are posted next, what trade or rank they are or even after they release or retire. It's not even questioned, you just know it. It's the friends you carefully pick out of a crowd and work really hard on that friendship to make it what it is. It's the friends with whom you've already figured out how and when you would visit each other when posted far far away. I think most friendships strive to become Forever Friendships but because of our lifestyle changes and decisions, the other kinds of friendships get in the way.

I don't mean to sound rude and I know this may sound a bit clinical -that's not the intention. It's just a matter of knowing where to spend your "friendship energy". If you invest too much on getting the Obligation Friends to like you, you may miss out on a great Hopeful friendship.

I think we all learn to deal with people moving away or leaving our friends behind after a while. We have to be real about it and not fool ourselves. As adults, we know life gets in the way of most of our projects and dreams and although we would love to stay friends with every person we meet, we know there are going to be new friends at the next posting, so you have to make room for them too.

I love my friends from back home, they have a special place in my heart. That place has changed over the months since I've been out here. It's more of a nostalgic place with lots of booze and laughter. It's a great place to be, don't get me wrong but if I keep ALL of them in front row, I know I'm going to be a very lonely and miserable Saskatchewanian (?) and I don't think they'd want that for me.

This lifestyle is teaching me many things and I don't think it will ever cease to amaze me. I've learned to deal with loosing contact with friends and I've learned to deal with making new friends expecting to lose contact with them again, someday.

I have met some amazing people in the short time I've been a military spouse. People you barely know from all over the country who care and who will stick by you when you're down and that's amazing.