Sunday, April 24, 2011
Friday, April 22, 2011
Anxiety
I refuse to let it ruin my life. Even though it seems like just something else I'm failing at these days...
It's no secret that I have some problems dealing with anxiety and I've been working really hard this past year (at least) at moving forward and getting over my fears and issues. With the many massive changes that have happened over the last 6 months of my life, it's been even more difficult to overcome the hurdles of my past.
In a way, my mother's passing has helped me deal with some of the underlying crap I've been holding on to. Things I was afraid of telling her and things I couldn't bring myself to hurting her with have sort of taken the front seat and allowed me to deal with them head on and shamelessly. I don't have to tip-toe around my words anymore as much as I used to and that's allowed me to grow and come to terms with lots of it. It's also helped me open up about these issues to Js and that helps him understand why I'm as crazy as I am to some level. I know this all sounds really vague and weird but I'm not entirely ready to blog about the bulk of my damage so you'll just have to read between the lines for now and let your imagination run free.
That being said, I can't keep blaming everything on my past. It's not like I'm running out of anxiety sources in my every day life... ha!
This lifestyle has it's ups and downs and lately I feel like I've been handed more downs than ups. Mind you, I can't really complain about our quality of life out here compared to some horror stories I've heard from friends across the country. Some days, I like to stare at the wall and have a little pity party of my own. This is one of those days and it just happens to be the eve of Js' return from deployment and it sucks balls.
I know it's a normal part of homecoming to have some mixed feelings, feeling nervous and anxious and all that... but throw in a healthy dose of PMS and blizzards in April and you've got one very, very crusty military wife.
Truth is, some of the people here are really starting to pull at my last nerve and I feel more and more like locking myself up in my house and praying for a posting message out. I hate feeling this way because we do have some great friends and I've been blessed with a great, albeit temporary, job opportunity - I can't help but feel like we still have things to see and stuff to live out here.
I know most these feelings are linked to my anxiety and it makes it really hard to express my feelings, especially when I'm being emotional (read : irrational). I flipped out at Js today over the phone for something totally stupid, something that could have waited until he got home and we could have talked it out more constructively instead of me screeching on the phone.
Truth is, I just want him home. I just want him to get it when I need someone to tell me it's going to be okay and reassure me when I'm feeling insecure. Is that so much to ask? Is that so hard? When he's home, he can gage my anxiety better and he can sort of pad the walls and minimize the damage. I know it's not healthy to use him as a crutch and I don't think that's what I'm doing, but I also know it's not healthy to attempt to fix the broken pieces of your life and leaving your husband completely out of it.
It's all about finding a balance - with the anxiety, with Js, with my emotions - and focusing on what's good. Anxiety is not just something people use to blame their mood swings on or to express emotions, it's a mental state and an invisible disease.
//end pity-party.
It's no secret that I have some problems dealing with anxiety and I've been working really hard this past year (at least) at moving forward and getting over my fears and issues. With the many massive changes that have happened over the last 6 months of my life, it's been even more difficult to overcome the hurdles of my past.
In a way, my mother's passing has helped me deal with some of the underlying crap I've been holding on to. Things I was afraid of telling her and things I couldn't bring myself to hurting her with have sort of taken the front seat and allowed me to deal with them head on and shamelessly. I don't have to tip-toe around my words anymore as much as I used to and that's allowed me to grow and come to terms with lots of it. It's also helped me open up about these issues to Js and that helps him understand why I'm as crazy as I am to some level. I know this all sounds really vague and weird but I'm not entirely ready to blog about the bulk of my damage so you'll just have to read between the lines for now and let your imagination run free.
That being said, I can't keep blaming everything on my past. It's not like I'm running out of anxiety sources in my every day life... ha!
This lifestyle has it's ups and downs and lately I feel like I've been handed more downs than ups. Mind you, I can't really complain about our quality of life out here compared to some horror stories I've heard from friends across the country. Some days, I like to stare at the wall and have a little pity party of my own. This is one of those days and it just happens to be the eve of Js' return from deployment and it sucks balls.
I know it's a normal part of homecoming to have some mixed feelings, feeling nervous and anxious and all that... but throw in a healthy dose of PMS and blizzards in April and you've got one very, very crusty military wife.
Truth is, some of the people here are really starting to pull at my last nerve and I feel more and more like locking myself up in my house and praying for a posting message out. I hate feeling this way because we do have some great friends and I've been blessed with a great, albeit temporary, job opportunity - I can't help but feel like we still have things to see and stuff to live out here.
I know most these feelings are linked to my anxiety and it makes it really hard to express my feelings, especially when I'm being emotional (read : irrational). I flipped out at Js today over the phone for something totally stupid, something that could have waited until he got home and we could have talked it out more constructively instead of me screeching on the phone.
Truth is, I just want him home. I just want him to get it when I need someone to tell me it's going to be okay and reassure me when I'm feeling insecure. Is that so much to ask? Is that so hard? When he's home, he can gage my anxiety better and he can sort of pad the walls and minimize the damage. I know it's not healthy to use him as a crutch and I don't think that's what I'm doing, but I also know it's not healthy to attempt to fix the broken pieces of your life and leaving your husband completely out of it.
It's all about finding a balance - with the anxiety, with Js, with my emotions - and focusing on what's good. Anxiety is not just something people use to blame their mood swings on or to express emotions, it's a mental state and an invisible disease.
//end pity-party.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Crochet : Teeny Hat
Disclaimer : Hold on to your panties, everyone. I am not pregnant. I made this hat for a friend who's expecting.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
New beginnings are always the same
At the beginning of the month, the Powers That Be decided that my position within the organization was no longer necessary and it got eliminated. I was really really sad, upset and I felt cheated. I'd never applied for that position, I was offered it instead of something else because it was supposed to be more stable. Wah-wah. Anyways, I had only a couple days to work left before my trip to Ontario so I knew I wouldn't have to drag my feet around the office for the full two weeks of notice they gave me having banked all the hours to cover my absence already.
Luckily enough, someone from another department in the same building as us heard and asked me for my resume right away! I interviewed for a position in their department to cover someone's mat leave over the phone while I was in Ontario and ran to the office to do the practical part of the interview as soon as I got back to SK. That afternoon, I got a call and they offered me the job. Hurray!
So yeah. That's what I've been up to. Today was my first day and it felt kinda funny seeing all my old coworkers but sitting at a different desk. I actually had people come up to me with questions relating to my old position. I'm pretty sure I'm going to enjoy it - it's a bit faster pace than my old job and a bit more diverse so I'm looking forward to learning something new.
My new boss gave me a little plant and a little note with a clever little saying about new beginnings that slips mind right now but I thought it was really cute. It made me realize that life is full of new beginnings - especially this life - and to embrace change is the only thing that keeps me sane.
Luckily enough, someone from another department in the same building as us heard and asked me for my resume right away! I interviewed for a position in their department to cover someone's mat leave over the phone while I was in Ontario and ran to the office to do the practical part of the interview as soon as I got back to SK. That afternoon, I got a call and they offered me the job. Hurray!
So yeah. That's what I've been up to. Today was my first day and it felt kinda funny seeing all my old coworkers but sitting at a different desk. I actually had people come up to me with questions relating to my old position. I'm pretty sure I'm going to enjoy it - it's a bit faster pace than my old job and a bit more diverse so I'm looking forward to learning something new.
My new boss gave me a little plant and a little note with a clever little saying about new beginnings that slips mind right now but I thought it was really cute. It made me realize that life is full of new beginnings - especially this life - and to embrace change is the only thing that keeps me sane.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Thoughts?
Fellow blogger and crocheter, Yarn Devil, has asked me how I added that "Thoughts?" clickity-doo-dad at the bottom of each post.
You can click on the picture to see it bigger. Basically, in the "Design" tab of your Blogger page, click the little "Edit" link that's in the "Blog Posts" box. Then check the little box and customize the dood-dads however you'd like.
Voila! :)
Voila! :)
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Neglect
Lately, I feel like I've neglected some of the things that matter most to me and I'm not exactly proud of myself. Over the last months I've neglected friendships, I've neglected to recognize my emotions, my projects and my health.
Spending all this time by myself, I came to the conclusion that I've allowed neglect to take over my life and I want to move on and change that - hopefully for good. Neglect can be devastating but it can also be a good thing in the sense that it helps you see what matters - what can't really go on unless you put in some effort. I think this blog has been the clearest example and really brought the reality home for me. It can't go on unless I sit here and reflect on my life, my values and beliefs or work hard to find humor in the simplest things. These are all things I cherish - why can't I seem to gather the strength to do it regularly anymore?
That's where the hard work comes in. I know, deep down inside, that it's mostly because I don't want to see what I have to deal with. I don't know what to post about anymore because I've neglected everything around me and it's hard to admit.
I've neglected friends and relationships and I'm not really proud of it. I have to work harder, care more and call often. I also have to work on myself. I have to make healthier choices even if it's harder in the long run (and means more dishes), I have to be honest with myself and reconnect with my values and what I stand for.
It seems like a lot of work but I think once I get one of these aspects under construction, the rest will just fall into place. No one can help me but myself so I really have to suck it up and get crackin'.
Spending all this time by myself, I came to the conclusion that I've allowed neglect to take over my life and I want to move on and change that - hopefully for good. Neglect can be devastating but it can also be a good thing in the sense that it helps you see what matters - what can't really go on unless you put in some effort. I think this blog has been the clearest example and really brought the reality home for me. It can't go on unless I sit here and reflect on my life, my values and beliefs or work hard to find humor in the simplest things. These are all things I cherish - why can't I seem to gather the strength to do it regularly anymore?
That's where the hard work comes in. I know, deep down inside, that it's mostly because I don't want to see what I have to deal with. I don't know what to post about anymore because I've neglected everything around me and it's hard to admit.
I've neglected friends and relationships and I'm not really proud of it. I have to work harder, care more and call often. I also have to work on myself. I have to make healthier choices even if it's harder in the long run (and means more dishes), I have to be honest with myself and reconnect with my values and what I stand for.
It seems like a lot of work but I think once I get one of these aspects under construction, the rest will just fall into place. No one can help me but myself so I really have to suck it up and get crackin'.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
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