Here I am, it's 1:23am and I'm blogging 'cause I can't sleep. Why, you ask? Well... I can't sleep because "life" is happening and part of said "life" is staying up at night worrying, thinking, overthinking, pondering and wondering. Sometimes, even hoping.
What do I really want to be doing right now!? Sleep? Nope. Watching a movie? Nope. Blogging? Nope. Sitting here crying more that my teeny little tear ducts can handle? Nope.
I want to be sitting on my best friend's door step, in the warmest winter suit known to mankind, waiting for tomorrow morning to happen so I can tell her that I love her. That is where I would be right now if life didn't matter. If I didn't have to work tomorrow morning and if I could friggen drive my friggen car. If I didn't have to be reasonable and responsible. I want to tell her that everything is going to work out and be okay and we shouldn't cry but we still need to.
I want to be snuggled on my best friend's couch with a warm blanket while he's making me chicken soup cause I'm sad and feeling gross. 'Cause that's what he does when I'm not having a great time, over-takes-care-of-me. We could be there for days trying to figure out how we are going to live so far apart. If life didn't matter right now, I'd probably drink too much have have to spend the night there. He'd let me sleep in his bed and he'd take the couch cause that's what friends do...
Why does life have to matter and stop me from doing what it seems matters most? I have 4 days left of work and an eternity of things left to do... I want to trash it all and just do what my heart really wants... but I can't because that would be a bit crazy? No? Isn't that what we call people who don't care about the outside world ; crazy?
As much as I want to be with Js and I can't wait to start living together and getting our lives on track, together, I just wish I could take everything that I have here, with me. It's going to be hard for me to be without my close friends. They've been around forever it seems and I can't even consider the thought of maybe imagining what my life would be like without them. It's way too scarry and dark. I'm not affraid one bit of loosing them. I know they will be there for me in their own way and I will be there for them as best I can. There is still so much in my life that I need to experience and I will do my best to help them be a part of it. I want to be a part of their lives even if I am away geographically.
It's going to be hard. Every tiny inch of the way is going to be so difficult, it's going to hurt... like ripping small shreads piece by piece... but we'll make it through cause we'll never be alone...
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