We're going to do this!

Js popped the big question and I said yes! (of course!) So we're going to do this! We're getting married and it's still quite strange to say it or hear my friends say it! *squeeeee!*

We've decided not to rush into plans and to be realistic about it... We probably won't be able to get hitched before 2010... but that's only one year away as of next week! *shakes a bit*

Without further ado, the bling!

Ch-ch-changes!

Why do we make efforts? Why do we push ourselves beyond our limits? Why do we strive to accomplish what's expected of us, when we know what's expected is above our comfort zone? Why do we set goals that seem unattainable? Why do we try to suppress our urges and overcome our fears?

Because if we didn't, we'd never learn, grow or change. Change makes life what it is and what it can become.

When you open your mind to change and to evolution, it means that you are growing. You're learning more things on your way to accomplishing a change in your life, big enough for you and those around you to notice. It can be a change on your outlook on life, your physique or even your career, but we are always looking for it. We do it to live a healthier life and to stick around longer to see our grand-children. We do it to get a promotion or a new opportunity to earn more. We do it for ourselves and we do it for others. To prove to ourselves that we can do it or to show others we care.

If you don't want to change, you're sticking with what you've got because it works and in that case, I don't believe you can grow as much. You can still learn, develop and grow, but not as much ; I don't think. Change is what pushes us long and forces us to look around and take action. Regardless of the situation. Without that, you're just looking around and not doing anything about what you're seeing. If you live your entire life, thinking Santa exists, per example, who'll buy presents for your kids? This might sound a bit dumb... but it's true. Regardless of if we want to or not, we change.

A lot of things can push you right in front of the change truck. It smacks you very hard, tosses you around a bit and leaves you for dead. You have to pick yourself up and deal. No choice. Change has already come and gone and now you have to grow to be able to accept the consequences. Sometimes change comes after a long period of wait and you've had time to get used to the idea, you've accepted it and you're ready to face the reality.

From simple things like doing someone a favor or going out of your way to make someone happy or a loved one struck with a terminal disease or a tragic accident, the people around us affect the way we change. The ones we love and the ones we don't, everyone around us has an impact on how we change, when and why.

I ask myself sometimes, if I've changed a lot over the past couple of years? Months? Days? I'm usually really happy to answer "yes" to all of those questions. Sometimes I change for the best, sometimes for the worst, but I least I know I've learned something, I've made an effort to change.

Sickly.

I'm sick. Sorry Nick, this post is going to be grumpy... I promise a ton of happy soon enough...

I have a fever, every bone in my body aches, my sinuses are so clogged up I feel like my head is as big as my ass. I mean that in the nicest way possible... but you get the picture right!?

Why is it that I'm always sick when there's something important going on!? Why? ... ... *whispers*... why?

I tried to make a list of all the things I still have to do before Js comes home and it's not pretty to look at. It's very long and boring... and painfully impossible to accomplish in so little time. I guess I'll have to make do and suck it up... not much choice! I hope I can survive the drive to work tomorrow, but I don't think I'll be able to last all day!

I am SO greatfull for Jf today. I've been crawling around the appartement refusing to go out and clean off the snow from my car to be able to go to the pharmacy and get something for this damn cold... Not only did he come pick me up after work, he invited me over for some soup! He made me chicken soup and served me some cookies and some tea! I'm so glad I was able to eat something and at least move a little bit! YAY FOR MY GAY!

We talked a bit and entertained Romeo, I'm sure. Then he drove me home, I took a long shower and now I'm just waiting for the Benilyn to kick in... *taps foot*

(JS IS WATCHING W!)

So this blog post is kinda boring and pointless... but since I figured I wouldn't be posting much this weekend, I'd give it a try... but nothing to report makes for boring blogs!

Kicking and screaming

You know, when you feel overwhelmed. You wonder when it's all going to stop, when you're going to get a break from it all. Are we just kidding ourselves? Do we ever get a break or do things just keep coming up it's just we don't let ourselves get so overwhelmed depending on the circumstances in our lives?

Work's been just nuts lately with the transportation strike, the Holidays and the ton of new staff and the gigantic over stock due to economy drop... Why am I stressing so much about this? I can't do anything to change it. None of it. So why am I ripping myself to shreds feeling miserable about this? Last Holiday came and went and I was wondering where all the drama had gone!? It just got pushed back a year... cause it's all hitting home now!

I think that a lot of it has to do with how we perceive things. I've been going around the last two days constantly thinking : "Oh. My. God. This can't be happening! Why does this have to happen now? This has been the worst day ever." It was, but did I make it that? I spent all day worrying, turning things over and over in my head thinking to myself I would never find a solution and this would never end.

This morning, I decided that I wasn't going to think like that today. I was going to make an effort to try to find solutions with a clear mind instead of giving up. I decided I was going to take breaks and time to make some decent food (somewhat!) to replenish a bit of energy and salvage mental health. It worked! I didn't feel as anxious as the last two days and the day went by a lot faster. Sure, sure, it did take me two hours to drive home... but instead of calling Jf to complain, I called my dad and let him tell me about his day.

Over the last two days, every time Js called me, I was in a bad mood. I didn't have time to talk because I was either shoveling, driving or freaking out for some random reason. I always felt like crap when I came home because I know that he's having a so-so week too and he probably needs to talk just as much as I do. I sent him a couple of emails even if I knew he wouldn't get them until this weekend, at least it gave me some sense of communicating and getting my point across.

Tonight, he called and I was upset. Not because of everything that was happening over here, but because I knew wasn't there for him this week. I wanted to talk to him about it, about a ton of stuff, but he's standing in a public hallway, talking from a pay phone : bad time.

I love him. I didn't even have to tell him anything, I just said I wish we could talk more and a couple of words and he knew what I was concerned about and how I was feeling and we didn't even need to talk it out all that much. He knew. He said what I wanted to hear to help me bottle it all up until Saturday. He'll be back in Saskatchewan then and we'll talk about it then. It's nothing major, it's just sometimes you need to voice it, even if you know the other person already knows what you are going to say. I think I understood what he was feeling too. I hope.

Lesson learned #1 : If you keep saying it's the worst day in the universe, it won't get any better, pretend everything is fine and today won't be as bad as yesterday was. A crappy day is only what you make of it.

Lesson learned #2 : Don't unload all your crap on your man if he's having a bad week, you'll only feel worst, wait until you can talk it out. Even if you don't think he gets it ; he does. Just because they deal with things differently, doesn't mean they don't deal with things at all. We cry, they joke - secretly, they just want to see us smile or hear us laugh to make their troubles go away.

The weekend is coming and I hope things settle themselves, the weather behaves and the busses resume. I'll go about the next 7 days, kicking and screaming, until he tries to make me laugh again.

Fees vs Exes

They took the money manually to save me from having to pay a bunch of fees and to save my credit... fine! I get that. I understand and I'm really happy for that. Problem solved. Money went to pay bills : got it!

What I'm not too happy about... is the condescending tone of the girl I spoke with at my bank. When I called the help line thingy-doo-dad, the woman was so helpful and she explained as much as she could to me... but when I called my bank it was completely different.

They talked to me like I was a 4 year old child, they kept interrupting me and I couldn't event get to the end of a sentence before they cut me off with some cookie-cutter answer. I told her a couple of times that I did not appreciate her attitude and her tone and she didn't apologize even once...

I don't understand how people who are supposed to help you manage your money can treat you like that! I sell friggen soaps for a living and I know more about customer satisfaction than that. I'm not asking customers to trust me with their life savings, I'm giving them advice as to what to get their 12 year old niece.

I'm so upset. Worst part is, I'm sure it's not the bank, it's some of the people who work there who are the problem! I've been dealing with this bank for as long as I can remember, and it's only been this past couple of years that I've noticed their customer care go down a very very steep hill.

I'm too upset to even think right now. I just want Js to be here and tell me it's okay and we'll find a solution together. I'm hesitating to close this account because all my automatic payments and stuff are in there and it's just a pain to change it all over because the clerk's got something up her ass. Why should I have to change my whole financial world around because she's a rude hick?

So, above, you have the pretty-on-paper version of the facts... bellow is, why I believe she treated me like poo. She made it personal.

Regardless of the fact that you know the person or not, the level of professionalism should remain the same.

It's my bank from my home town and everyone knows everyone out there. The girl I spoke with hates me to no end. I went to school with her. Her and Js dated in highschool. She hated me then and she hates me even more so now. Lots. Everytime I've gone to the bank over the last year and a half, it's been the same story. I've never had to deal with any crazy situations like that with my bank before until this past year.

I think someone and her shinny forehead need to move the eff on and leave my banking out of this.

Excuse me, Bank, would you be so kind as to tell me where's my money?

I am so upset right now, I could cry. I don't know what upsets me more... the fact that my money has gone missing or that I lost the teeny bit of trust I still had in my bank. If my mother were here, I'd be attending the dress rehersal of : "I told you so! - The musical"

Allow me to explain. I'm really all over the map tonight so this may take a while...

I was doing some financial observation to try to find out where the crap all my money went... Holiday shopping? A couple of setbacks and extra bills I had to pay? Some pretty valid reasons and I was expecting to be a bit tighter at the end of this month, but who isn't!? I kept trying to figure it out and things just didn't add up... I was short by $50 just about...

I looked over all my bills and online account info and everything seemed clear. I decided, for shits and giggles, to take a look at my November statement-AHA! Now, I won't go into huge detail about this just yet because I still haven't contacted my bank to give them a chance to explain them selves. Clearly, they don't stay open until 11h30pm on Mondays. I can assure you that I am contacting them first thing in the morning and they will have a lot of convincing to do to get my trust back ...

Long story short : There was a random withdrawl of a random amount of money taken from my account. I called the 24h support line thingy, they assured me that the money was taken by the bank but they (the bank) didn't specify what for. After looking it over with the nice lady on the phone, we assumed it was for a pre-authorized payment that was processed 2 days late. The withdrawl dosen't specify that the money was taken to pay my car loan as usual and isn't the right amount.

Typo? New staff? Regardless : I have unjustified, unapproved withdrawls and abosultely no proof that the money is going in the right place! Am I over reacting!? I think not. I'm not comfortable with this bank anymore and they've lost all my trust. I'm sure there is a good reason and hope they have a good explination tomorrow.

I feel cheated. I don't feel comfortable with this at all. I'll wait until I get to talk to them, but if their answer dosen't justify these actions enough for me, I'll have to review all my account statements since there's no way of telling how many times this happened before. Then what?

I want to be just and give them a chance to explain before I implode with rage.

Stay tuned!

... and this lack of sleep isn't helping.

I complain that I have too many things to do and not enough time and energy. I say I'm overwhelmed with work and everything else that's happening at home. I hate that I don't ever feel healthy and I get mood swings like they are going out of style... yet, I can't sleep! Nothing I do seems to help me recuperate and, at this point, I don't even have the motivation to try harder.

I need a friggen break. That's what I need. I don't mean a vacation or a trip down south (although that would be nice!) or anything like that... I just mean a friggen moment of peace and quiet.
I don't want time to think about things ; I don't want to think about anything.
I don't want time off from work to do something more fun ; I don't want to do anything.
I don't want to go to the Spa to relax and take care of me ; I don't want to care about anything.

I need a reboot botton. That's what I need. Something to give me a restart on life cause I'm running low on everything that's vital it seems.

Everyday that I'm at work, I put a smile on my face and power through everything and anything that's thrown my way. I can't break down in tears. I can't be sick. I can't be tired. I can't be fed up with the endless list of tasks. I'm not allowed. I need to be happy, patient, strong, healthy, energetic and motivated.

Everyday that I'm not working, I put a smile on my face and go about my daily life. I spend every single minute of every day planning for the next. I can't live in the moment because the moment isn't really pretty to look at right now. I haven't shaved in weeks, the dishes in the kitchen are stacking up, the laundry baskets are full but I have to run... Why would I want to focus on that when the future looks so much brighter from here?

Every time I hang out with friends, I put a smile on my face and try to absorb as much as I can, while I can. I always wonder if we'll make it in the long run, I'm always affraid of loosing them. I know I shouldn't feel this way, but it's hard not too. Life happens, people move on to bigger and greater things. It's hard to always be the "alone but not single" one of the pack... If I go out with a bunch of single friends, I feel like the outsider because I can't flirt and I'm not necessarily in the mood to meet new people. When I go out with friends who are happily taken, I feel like the outsider because my "happy taker" isn't there...

I feel as though each moment that I live, I spend it longing for the next. Waiting for the next step. Hurrying by to get to the next check point. Like someone attached my life to a string and just tugs on it a bit every time I reach out.

I wish I could just live the moment for what it is. Forget about tomorrow, next week or next month. Let's face it : I don't really get that much of a say in the matter. It's so much easier when Js is here, everything just falls into place... one moment at a time.

Staring at the countdown...

I've been counting sleeps and days and weeks for the last 4 months and now that it's almost over, I can't believe how quickly time flew by!

In September, I thought : Wow! December is SO far away, I'll keep busy planning for the Holidays and being at work way more than I should. Then I went to Orlando at the end of the month, and next thing I knew, October was here!

October was filled with planning for Holiday, overalls and red bandannas. Don't know where that month went either!

November was a long one. Nothing really specific happened to help me get my mind off things... but I kept busy. Coffee with friends, started Christmas shopping early this year which turned out to be a good thing... that kinda stuff!

Now, December turned around and bit me in the ... leg. I'm down to 16 sleeps until Js comes home and I'm running around to get everything done and prepare everything for the Holidays (as you can tell... by blogging my life away!) like I didn't have 4 months to get all of this done. *ugh!*

I know what I'll be exhausted and drained by the time Js gets here and that pisses me right off. I want to be all happy and lovely and composed. Let's be realistic here : I work in retail. It's the Holidays. Leave me the eff alone, I just want to curl up in a corner and hide under a giant pile of card board boxes and register rolls until Spring comes back!

At least we'll have a bit of quality (read : sane) time in January. He took some leave time and I took some much earned vacation days so we'd have more time to spend together.

I'm thinking January will go by UBER fast too... and then, who knows what February has in store for us!? Really, who!?