Merry Christmas!

From our family to yours! 

It's not perfect, but it's as good as we could manage with a timer and two very confused pets.

My Luck with Lactose

Back home, we have this amazing cheese factory called Fromagerie St-Albert - it's the freshest cheese money can buy in the Ottawa area and it's amazing. Squeeky cheese, fresh cheddar and anything you can think of that has to do with delicious cheese.

When visiting family back home, we like to stock up on it and if we can, bring some back to Saskatchewan for friends to enjoy. It's a real treat we like to offer to who ever is taking care of house and cat during our absence.

After years (totally serious) of begging the Bulk Cheese Warehouse store owner here in town - yes, that's the actual name - to bring in this product, we haven't come to any sort of reasonable understanding. So you can imagine my surprise when I saw St-Albert product sitting on a shelf along with all the lesser cheeses at the mega Walmart store in Regina last weekend. I didn't believe my wee eyes at first. It wasn't until I noticed weird stares from fellow shoppers that I realized I was chanting and dancing, brick of cheddar cheese in hand.

Then, suddenly, like clouds rolling in and raining on my (literal) parade, I could hear my doctor's voice, resounding in my ears: You're lactose intolerant.

That's right, ladies and gents - I've become lactose intolerant over the last little while and not being faced with St-Albert cheese weekly at the grocery store, I had not realized the implication and dramatic impact this would have on my life.

I promise to blog about my progress in therapy.

Bullies or Bullied?

First off, I guess I should start by saying that I was never in the cool crowd at school - far from it even - I've always been a dork and a nerd and a tad on the loser side of the school cafeteria. This kid wasn't popular. Not even a bit. Also, I'd like to point out that the comments below are a simple observation and reflect the few thoughts that just sparked from my brain.

With recent events linked to bullying in schools and such, there's been a huge trend on bullying and how it can/should be stopped. Social media took this one and ran with it to the ends of the earth and if it can change the life of just one kid - then it's all worth it. It's attracting attention to an aspect of youth social interactions that were most often cast aside as "just girls being girls" and "little boys learning to man up" scenarios.

One side of the debate going on in my head right now is whether the "bully" or the "bullied" should be targeted in all those efforts? Or both? Reach out to a bullied kid - you'll change the life of one, maybe inspire a few more to speak out. Change the bully's attitude and you'll reach out to the dozen kids they'll torment for years and years... Yes, it's important to reach out to the poor kids being intimidated into submission by their peers but something needs to be said for sitting the bullies down and giving them a stern lesson on how the world (is supposed to) function. If they don't care - they should.

Yes, it's chilling when we look at the stats and even more so when we consider how many kids have harmed themselves because of this epidemic... but are we trying to reinvent the wheel?

As adults, I'm sure we can all say we've witnessed bullying or intimidation in our workplaces or social circles. I'm sure these people didn't wake up mid-adulthood and decide to convert into fire breathing dragons. Those are the kids who were mean to other kids at school. This phenomenon is nothing new, by any extent. Why all the hoopla now? Because social media makes it visible to everyone and socially responsible people feel compelled to do something? Was it not obvious before the Facebook era? Com'on. What about all those kids, now adults, who suffered in silence?

I guess it kind of frustrates me to witness what our society has come to. Why do we need this much fluff? I know that today's kids are a very peculiar generation but what are we teaching them? We need to seriously look at the tools we've given those kids (I'm not talking about Social Media tools - more like character and values) for them to be able to fend for themselves as past generations? Most importantly, I think, what kind of morals and ethics does today's bully have and where did they learn that from?

I think my main concern here is; when we do have children and they grow up to be teenagers, that they'll feel they can come to their parents when they are being mugged daily at school rather than post a sad Facebook status as a cry for help. Why does that seem to be so hard to establish? I hope we're aware enough as parents and involved in our kids lives to see these behaviors and foster a communicative environment within the home. I'm sure it's easier said than done. But one can hope...

I has a happy!

These last few weeks have been INSANE with crazyness. Happy crazy - but crazy nonetheless.

To top it ALL, I got a wonderful phone call this morning from Maggie to announce the birth of her first child! I'M AN AUNTIE! Yes, ladies and gents, I'm an aunty to the most amazing little bundle of joy that ever lived.

Take your unsolvable problem and stuff it.

I'm so annoyed right now.

You know the kind of conversation that you think is going to be super easy and simple. When you give the other person who asked you a simple question a simple tool to help them find the answer they are looking for out of the goodness of your heart... and then the person's attitude is so negative and they are so dedicated to not solve their problem that you want to grab them by the hair and bang their heads into the wall?

"I am looking for a solution to this problem."
"Here's an idea that might solve your problem."
"That doesn't quite do it you see..."
"Oh, well then maybe this solution here could work."
"No it doesn't because the sky is blue."
"I didn't realize that affected the outcome. Perhaps try this..?"
"I've already tried this for two seconds five years ago with a very bad attitude and it failed..."
"Well here's the next obvious solution."
"The grass is green so it's not going to work."
"FUCK YOU!"
 *rage-quit*

Because you can't deal with the idea of not having something to complain about doesn't mean I have to put up with your bullshit.

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...eeeeeeeeeee...

Holly. Eff. things have been so busy around here I don't even know where to start. I'm on day #2 of not even having enough time in a day to turn on the TV. Seriously. It's insane.

Work's been super busy and with everything else keeping me out of trouble in the evenings, I didn't even notice that it's been a whole month since Js left for course. I've been so busy making sure I'm busy enough to not go crazy with lonely, I've gone insane and very... very tired.

I spend all day running around at work and then I get home, pay equal attention to each pet and then keep running around doing my wifely duties of housework and picking up per-ordered video games. There's also been a lot of time invested in Hallowe'en prep - I finally have all the decorations we need for this place so I'm pretty satisfied with myself. I've barely got time to cook decent food so I've been living on pasta and random canned soups for the last two weeks.

I've also been working on some side projects since Js has been gone and when I realized it's been a month I went "Shit! I have nothing to show for a month's work!" so I put things in high-gear and it's like everything came together over the last three or four days. I made a series of four cowl for my crochet collection and I've done more work on my website in the last week than I have over the last month before he left. Given, things are usually slower during the summer... but still. Nutso!

Amongst all this, my blogging kind of fell behind. But on the brighter side, I seem to be digging my way out of this blog-funk I was stuck in. I'm dealing with stuff and getting things squared away and hopefully I can come to terms and or get answers and be able to blog a bit more openly about the shit that's taking up most of my energy. :o) Hurray for betterness!

Comma

I own nothing.

Tuesday fail.

Today's just been one fail after another. Nonstop fail. Constant fail. I rolled my office chair over my own foot. I broke a nail so bad I yelled "FUCK!" right in front of the Padre. The Padre ordered the last bowl of soup. My necklace got caught in a binder ring and when I got up, the binder dragged every.thing. on my desk to the floor.

I come home, nuke a piece of pizza and as I sit down, I think : Man, I'm glad this shit day is over!

I promptly proceed to cut my finger with the knife. I went upstairs, drowned it in Bactine and applied Polysporin. Then, my internal conversation went something like this :

"Oh crap! I should have taken out the band-aid first."
... ... ...
*band-aid #1 falls in toilet*
"Dammit!"
... ... ... ...
*band-aid #2 falls in toilet*
"DAMMIT!"
...
*close lid*
... ...
*apply band-aid*
"HURRAY!"
*slam drawer on knee*
...
*whimper*

Poo is on my head.

I don't have the photo credits for this image.
Maggie sent it to me ages ago... not quite sure why I held on to it!?

The universe seems to think that the top of my head is an awfully swell spot for a steaming, tightly coiled, juicy pile of poo lately and I'm growing really impatient.

Breathing should not be this hard.

Of all things that cause mental blockages when it comes to blogging, I sort of wish this was one of them. I wish I could go on with my life without having to sporadically submit readers to a pity party but sadly, it ain't so. I hate pity. There are only a few things that insult me more than being pitied and I really wish I could find another adjective to describe this post...

Today is a rough one. It started out just fine but as we started getting ready for the Terry Fox run, something in my head went click and the anxiety started to build up. Why? ... I say, why not? It seems like all the shit that's been going on sort of accumulated into this great bit heaping pile of stink and decided to take a crap on my day.

Every time I thought about going somewhere public, standing in a crowd and being reminded constantly of how many people die of cancer each year, my blood seemed to just freeze in my veins and the fear of being pitied ensued. I remember what it was like at the Relay for Life. I was able to hold back until we left and ignore the way I was treated (read: figuratively spit on) by other team mates. I didn't know how I was going to make do today. If I was going to be able to keep a straight face and not bite anyone's head off and/or run away.

Since the topic of participating in the Terry Fox event again this year came up, I've been unable to shake the thought that while we were walking in it last year my mom was slowly and unknowingly dying on her couch taking vitamins and trying to fight this "cold".

I've been able to push the thought to the back of my mind until fives minutes before we left. I put on a brave face and got in the car.

As we drove out, I started thinking of what it would be like once we got there. I didn't know who else was going to be there and already being on the edge of my very fragile brain, the thought of being treated in the same way I was at the Relay for Life (or any other function really) just pushed me to the limit. The limit of everything. Of missing my Mom. Of missing my family. Of how unfair life can be sometimes. Of how anxious I am to leave this place. Of how I miss my true friends. Of my anxiety disorder.

Needless to say, I asked Js to turn the car around and take me back home. The fact that he had to go was a sort of blessing in a way. It allowed me to close the door behind me, collapse in the doorway and stay there as long as I wanted. I was angry, my heart was torn out of my chest again and I longed for something I know I can never have. It hurt but it felt good to allow myself to feel that way. It felt like I needed to fall apart to be able to get back up again.

I felt horrible for not going. For bailing on Js' run like that at the last minute. I wish I could be there right now to support him. To show that I am proud of him. That she would be too. I just don't have the balls.

They say time heals all wounds. I think that's a lie. Time does not heal all wounds, damaged tissue never truly heals. Sometimes, you stub your toe and it hurts a bit but you keep going and then sometimes you want to sit on the floor, rock back and forth and hold your pinky toe in your hands and sob. Today is one of those days. I know it's only a molehill compared to all the things I will have to do without her but if I want to sit on the floor and sob, no one is going to tell me I can't god dammit.

Addicted or dependent?

I came across a blog post a few days ago that reminded me of a conversation I had with Js a while ago about internet addiction. My first reaction was "Guilty!" ... but then I got to thinking about what "addiction" really meant.

Source:
www.hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com

Who hasn't been a victim of sleepless Internet FOREVER night and days have gone by without even thinking of putting on a bra and going outside... by that definition, I think we could all say we're addicted. Yes? And I don't think that's fair. By that definition, I would be equally addicted to my cat, my dog, my couch, my bed, crochet, reading, working, sleeping and a bunch of other things that I wouldn't trade for the whole world. I know that an addiction doesn't have to be something that hinders your life or well being, it can be something positive too. I don't think I'm addicted to cats... or I'd have 20, my husband would leave me and I would throw the extra ones at the neighborhood kids. But I can't imagine my life without my Jacko... so what does it all mean?

I think the work I was looking for is "dependent". I have no issues admitting that I am totally dependent on the internet (and my cat for that matter... but that's a whole other post). Most the things I do daily either came into being because of or thanks to the internet.

This blog, for instance, I don't need it but I sure do enjoy it and love maintaining it and reading comments. Other websites I work on, I put them there and now I can't get rid of them like yesterday's garbage, they are my work and they help me and so many other people grow - at least I like to think so. I will lose track of time when I work on them because I love to. Yes, it sucks sometimes because Js would much rather I do dishes or the bank would much rather I pay bills... but... yeah I got no "but".

Source: Unknown. I found this image randomly on the
Internet (!!!) eons ago. I own nothing.

Like any other hobby or thing-used-to-stuff-a-boring-Sunday-morning, it has it's pros and cons. Mine just happen to be on the internet... I guess I could say I'm addicted to my projects which depend on a quality internet connection. There.

So now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go make coffee so that I can crochet until my fingers bleed...

RIP Pretty Girl

Sultanna, taken in 2009 during Capital Pride

(Andre Tardif)

I don't have much else to add.

There isn't much detail released about her passing yet but you can read the full article in Xtra or by clicking here.

Oy.

I've been having issues with blogging these past few weeks. It's kind of hard for me because I'm so used to spilling my guts on here and venting to my trusted readers. Mostly, it's been difficult because being able to read what I write on here gives me an outside-perspective that I really need and without that, I tend to spiral into the abyss that is my brain. Save me!

This Charlie-Brown-Cloud has been looming over my head and consuming my every thought and until I'm ready to admit it to myself and able to deal with it all, I won't be comfortable blogging about it. Believe me, I tried. I just can't bring myself to put words to keyboard and blurt it out into cyberspace.

It's so odd to me, not being able to keep a pulse on my emotions and I totally admit that it's a control thing. Totally. Until I get over my damn self and learn to deal with it, I'll have to try harder at blogging about something else.

Anything else.

I guess I'll know I've fully accepted it once I'm finally able to blog about it.

Time-turner

There are about 10 different kinds of wrong with the fact that I guess which Harry Potter movie I'm watching and when it's situated in the saga's timeline judging on Hermione's boobs.

So blessed.

I know I've got it good. In life, I mean. Nutshell, I'm happily married, we have a good life, our pets enrich our lives daily with their nonsense and many things make my life complete like my work, my hobbies and my friends. Bigger-picture wise, I'm also very grateful for everything life has thrown my way. Sure, some parts suck but I've learned to live with it, move on and learn. I've always had a wonderful relationship with my parents and a great and supportive family. It hasn't always been roses, don't get me wrong but overall, we always had food on the table and brought happiness to each other.

Today, I feel especially blessed to have these two men in my life. My Dad and my husband. I love my dad with every ounce of my heart. He's a courageous man who knows exactly when hugs are needed. He's always guided me through life when I didn't quite know where to turn and picked me up when I fell down. All this, of course, with the dedication and love of my mother. Now that she's gone, we've grown a lot closer - right when I didn't think it would be possible. He's my rock.

Js is the most wonderful husband ever. We've come a long way since we decided we'd give this relationship a try over one-too-many shots and wine glassesbottles. We've grown together and learned to love even more.

It just makes my heart melt when I see them two together. I know my Dad is really proud of Js for everything he's done to make me happy and I know Js respects my Dad immensely for everything he's over come and the man that he is today.

Js called me earlier today to say that my Dad was able to go visit him in Ottawa and see him doing the Ceremonial Guard at the War Monument. I know this probably made my Dad's daymonth and the joy in Js' voice warmed my heart.

I know this post is super sappy... but I'm in a super sappy mood. I miss them both SO much, I can't really explain. So I turn my "miss" into "sap" and you'll have to deal with that for just a bit.

*sap essplosion*

P.i.s.s.e.d.

I don't remember when I was last this pissed off. Seriously.

I think the most frustrating part of it all is not having anyone to talk to about it to try and calm my fucking nerves down. With that, comes the realization that I feel really alone.I want a coffee date with Maggie because I know she'd get it.

Js is away so I can only vent to him to a certain extent. I mean, not much he can do and no sense in him being pissed off along with me while he's away. I have never wanted to be posted right the fuck out of here this badly. We love Moose Jaw, our home and the life that we've build for us here. Why is it that a bunch of egotistical, selfish, hypocrite bastards have to come in an make it seem worth leaving all behind?

It just irritates me to no end. Normally, I try to be rational and give my all to fix things and make it better. This time around, I just want to scream really. I'm done trying. I'm done giving people the benefit of the doubt. I'm done listening to reasons and excuses. I'm mad - deal with it.

This post isn't a cry for help or attention but a mere warning... I can just see the headlines "Military Wife Rips a New Asshole to Random Passerby".

Inspiration

Today is one of those days when my head is so filled with ideas that I don't know where to start.

I chatted with a friend this morning and she revived in me the urge to crochet some original pieces and pursue my latest passion. I've sort of set it aside over the last few weeks because the weather's just been so hot, it's been difficult to even think about holding a piece of yarn on my lap. Also, it's hard to find inspiration when it's so beautiful outside - who wants to think about tuques and hats and scarves? But I guess it's a good time to stock up and prepare for what I'm hoping will be a busy fall in the crochet department. :) I've got two ideas that I'm hoping to work on over the next little while so make sure to check it out on Facebook.

Productivity

Js has been gone for a week and I wish I could say I've been super productive this week but it would be a huge lie. I have done... NOTHING. I did the dishes once or twice because well... I ran out of plates and cups.

I have a rule that I allow myself a NOTHING-day for each week that he'll be gone. I'm on day 6 of NOTHING and he's only gone 4 weeks this time around. Fail. I blame PMS.

So today I have to suck it up and actually do something productive. I have started a little at-home way-part-time-job so I have to send in a report for that. Of course, I don't have the proper software on either of our three laptops at home so I have to go in to work this afternoon. Also, my friend is leaving for a month to go visit her family back in Quebec so we're planning to have dinner together tonight. Great reason to shower and get dressed, right there! :)

I also have to clean up after by slobby self this afternoon because I'm hosting a trunk show on Monday evening and Jack can be as charming and cute as he'd like, it won't make up for a couch covered in kitty fur.

I think it's important to keep up some kind of routine while Js is away because it keeps me sane and moving. It's so tempting to watch sappy movies, eat all the ice cream I want and just snuggle with the pets on weekends. That's why I allow myself a few days... that way, I have a deadline and I know I have to kick things back in gear but it also allows me to have a little pity-party in the privacy of my own home and not bore (read : annoy) everyone around me with about it.

It's important to know how to stay alone. I never thought about it before because, well, it was never part of my reality before. You're face with two options : Sob all the way home and wait by the door like a little puppy for his return or adapt your lifestyle and hold the fort by yourself until he's back. Wanna guess which one I'm aiming for?

Sure, yes - I know, he's in a safe place, doing a safe job and that only for a grand total of 4 weeks. I am totally not complaining, at all. I just feel like if I let it all go this time around, I'll lose it when duty call's him to go somewhere not so safe and doing a not so safe job. But that's for a totally different post... ;)

Well, I should practice what I preach and get off my tush and actually get that laundry started. I *HATE* doing laundry. It's usually one of the first things that make me miss him the most... ;)

Jack is displeased.

He's been the biggest brat in the world since Js has been gone (4 whole days!) and he's driving me absolutely mental.

I've had on average 3-4 hours of quality sleep per night. He knocks shit off my dresser, pats-pats-pats with his feet on my mirror which makes it go cu-clunk-cu-clunk against the wall, meows endlessly, licks my elbows raw, eats my hair... I could go on but I'm too tired.

He's now started to open ALL the kitchen cupboard doors while I'm at work - according to his normal cycle, there are 2 more days of shit to put up with once he starts with the kitchen cupboards - and emptying out the garbage bin ev.ery.where. Oy.

Today, I decided to come home for lunch and look who greeted me at the door, looking quite pleased with himself :

Yes, it's a magic eraser... yes, it's chewed to shits. I mean, sure, a dog could make considerably more damage to a wee sponge but consider that Jack weighs about 11 pounds. This is the most I've caught him eat so I've been following him around the house, paper towel in hand, ready to clean up a steaming pile of vom. Nothing to declare so far.

He misses his daddy so bad it's nuts. There is too much pet love for a single person in this household!

Tat-too-awesome!

Not for me but probably one of the most amazing things I've ever seen. :)

Shamless Plug - Stella & Dot pretties for everyone!!

Source : stelladot.com

I'm hosting a Stella & Dot trunk show on the 18th as a wonderful excuse to host a girl's night when Js is away on TD. With the wonderfulness of online shopping, you no longer need to sit through the whole show and pretend to look interested like a good 1960's houswife discovering tupperware for the first time. You can shop online, from miles and miles away and still make your purchase count towards my show! :) Isn't that the effing bomb or what?!

So, hold on to your titties and head over to my awesome stylist's website and pick a pretty! When you go through the checkout, it will ask you for your hostess' name - make sure to enter my full name : Marie Lanoue

It's super easy and super awesome! They have super stylish pieces, some more timeless jewelry, awesome gift ideas, kids stuff, and a whole ton of stuff on sale so you don't have to break your piggy just yet! :)

Happy Canada Day!

I hope everyone had a great long weekend! We sure did! :) Our friends Maggie and Marc came from Winnipeg to spend a few days and celebrate with us.

Waiting for the fireworks to start at Wascana Park in Regina.

 

 

Oooooooh!

Ahhhh!

We had a great time and even visited Mortlach (SK) to take part in the Saskatoon Berry Festival celebrations.

Camping

 

Js, Nova and I headed out Saturday morning for Riverhurst, SK to attempt our first camping trip. We were expecting a nice relaxing time and we got just that. It was great to not worry about the time or when what needs to get done. We just walked around, played in the lake with the Noves and just shot the shit until time to go home came around. We would have liked to stay longer but the weather was getting kinda shitty so we packed up after just one night. Definitely will be better prepared for SK weather next time and hopefully get to stay a bit longer.

We didn't even fight setting up the tent. YAY for us!

Smores were enjoyed by all.

Post ADD

By the time I caught up with my RSS feeds, logged in to Blogger and all that stuff, 4 blog post topics came and went through my overactive little brain. "Went" would be the key word here... *facepalm*

So, unless I decide to delete this blog in it's entirety, here is a collection of random thoughts as they happen over the next couple minutes.

There is a double rainbow in the sky behind our place. I miss my gays. Like, seriously, I feel like a large flaming, disco-dancing, feather-wearing, Cher-loving, foundation-wearing, eyebrow-tweezing, ugly-people-judging part of my life is missing.

I've been obsessing over cute kittens - this is nothing recent - but it seems like the universe *aheminternet* has been throwing cute videos and pictures at me and I'm not about to complain about it.

That is all for now.

Human v1.1

My friend Chris posted this on FB and I thought it was pretty funny. Especially the thing about entering a room and forgetting why as it applies to me quite frequently.

Now... what was it I wanted to blog about?

I have been tenderized.

Last night, I finally got an appointment with an RMT (Registered Massage Therapist) - she was recommended to me eons ago and I never got around to seeing her. I've been having intense migraines and I knew something was up with my neck and upper back so a week ago, I decided to give it a shot. She was booked solid until mid-July which totally sucked but she called me yesterday and said if I could come over in 10 minutes, she could see me. I think we may have run a stop sign or two... but we made it on time.

SO worth every penny. Sweet bliss! Sure, I nearly drop kicked her when she reached out to my pectoral muscles through my arm pit... but I can't even being to explain the quality of sleep and just overall awesomeness I'm feeling today. Aside from the soreness, of course. I feel like I worked out for 10 hours straight. Luckily, I got a bit of a break because she only worked the upper part of my body - mainly shoulders and neck. I will definitely be seeing her again for all the other parts.

I had been to SPAs before and had relaxing massages by RMTs but it was never really anything technical or specific. She knew her shit and gave me exercises that I can do at home or at work to stretch so it'll hurt less (sweet jeezus) next time I see her.

I feel like a piece of tenderized meat and it's wonderful.

Airshow ... oops!

I just realized I totally forgot to blog about this summer's Snowbirds Acceptance show!

The weather was close to perfect for an airshow and it was fun to see everyone come out for the event. As much as lots of people here get tired and unimpressed with them after a while, I still enjoy seeing an air demonstration. I've associated them with Home now and I know when we get posted out of Moose Jaw, they'll remind me of our time here. :)

Crochet : Bunny Hat

Relay for Life

Js and I participated in the Relay for Life this year for the first time and it was a great experience. I couldn't stay all night because I had to come back home to Nova and get ready for today's Base wide garage sale. Js got home this morning at 7am and he really had a good time.

For the time I was there I did okay. I had a little moment as we left but otherwise, I took in the experience for all it's worth. I thought it was kinda sad that so many people on Js' team didn't really seem to care all that much about the event and what it stood for. I didn't let that affect me though and did what I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it.

You want me to... what?!

Funny thing happened to me in the Dr's office...

So as you all know, I live with some anxiety issues (I hate saying "suffer from") and I have no shame in admitting that my tired little brain and shriveled little heart can't take on all by themselves and that I, after much consideration and deliberation with my doctor, decided that medication would be safe and helpful. I've been on it for quite some time now and I have no intentions on being on it forever. I have a whole rant about anxiety medication but I'll save it for another post. Anyhow...

A couple months ago, I visited my doctor to refill my prescription. It was the first time I'd seen her since Mom had passed so when she asked how I was doing I told her what had happened but didn't really but any emphasis and really said it matter-of-factly so that she wouldn't bug me with questions or try to stuff more meds down my throat. It worked because it seems she thought I said my Mom was sick.

But, it made for a funny story this time around...

Her : So how are you doing?
Me : Good. Work's good and things seem to finally be looking up. *smile*
Her : Great! So, you've been on this medication for quite some time now... do you think it would be a good time to start thinking of lowering your dose?
Me : I'm sorry, what?
Her : Well, I know you don't want to be on them for longer than you absolutely need. Do you think now would be a good time to start thinking of stopping them?
Me : HA!
Her : *confused*
Me : Do you want a short synopsis of the last 8 months of my life?!
Her : *confused more*

I won't go into much detail because you pretty much know the story.

Her : *silent*
Me : So... yeah... no.
Her : Do you want more?

Long Weekend Laze

What are your plans for the long weekend?
Ours : Nadda.

We are kicking back lazy style this weekend it seems. We are totally poor due to some unplanned expenses earlier this month - I won't bore you with the details - and the fact that our pay schedules are just balls lately. Js being paid twice a month and me every two weeks, most times it works wonderfully but this month, it works out that we go two weeks on my salary alone instead of just one week so we need to stretch it out a bit more if we don't want to dig into our savings or load up our credit card.

Yesterday was good though. Js got a promotion (Go babe!) and we went out for lunch and started looking at getting a new kitchen table set. Not to purchase right now but just looking at some different options of what we'd like. Then we rented a movie and got some take out pitas for dinner. Yum.

I'm hoping to get started sorting out some garage sale stuff this weekend too. We have a Base wide garage sale each spring out here and it's normally pretty good so I'm hoping to have a chance to declutter before then and make the most of it. I'm going to go through all the boxes we've been storing in the basement over the last year so that should clear up a bit of our storage space. For what? More crap!

Right now, our spare bedrooms upstairs are divided as such : Office/guest-bedroom and Where-shit-goes-to-die. Why not split up the office and guest bedroom and make the most of our space?! Maybe even convince Js to paint a wall or two in the process... or make me a super-duper-awesome yarn organizer. :)

Have a great May Long everyone!

Tattoo-itch-factor : 7 out of a possible 10
Allergies-pissing-me-off-o-gram : 6 out of a possible 10

I'm falling apart.

Like, seriously.

My fingers hurt like hell due to my incessant crocheting these past few days. I've been trying to catch up and keep up with all the projects I have going on at the same time - why do I do this to myself? - and it's just been taking up most of my concentra... wha?

My tattoo is healing nicely but it's itching like a little bitch. It's so bad, I sometimes have to put down my crochet (!!) to tap-tap-tap on it to stop the itching. I follow Js around everywhere with a tub of Vitamin E Body Butter with sad puppy eyes. "Honey! You're home! LOTION!" And the phrase "It puts the lotion on it's skin, or else it gets the hose." just crosses my mind way too many times a day to still call myself sane.

My allergies are nutso. I think I may have found this year's medication cocktail but it still needs a bit of fine tuning. When cover lunches at the reception desk at work - right by the two big sets of doors - it's like I just rubbed a canola flower in my face. Now, let me get one thing straight. I'm well aware that it's not canola season yet - I'm saying it's "like" canola... which only means that it's going to get worse before it gets better.

Happy May Long Weekend everyone?!

Tattoo'ed up! :)

It's done! I got my third tattoo done on Wednesday and it's beyond anything I'd imagined it would be.

I was good and didn't sob like a wee child. It took 3 hours total, including all the sketching and forms to fill and stuff. Well worth it, every second of it! The artist was the same guy who did my foot last year so it was great feeling comfortable and confident that he'd do an amazing job. I ran into him today and he asked to see how it was healing. He said she was healing beautifully and of course, if I need touch ups to just give him a call. Nice man. :)

Anywhos... I haven't had the guts to post a picture of it on Facebook just yet but... I think I'm ready to post one on here.

Without further ado :

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is Mother's Day and I really wish it wasn't. I've been doing an amazing job (I think) at living in denial and now, thanks to Hallmark my efforts are shot to hell.

Hopefully I get out of this rut and my little self-inflicted pity-party ends soon.

New tattoo

The countdown starts until my next tattoo! :)

On May 11th, I'm getting my third tattoo and I'm super pumped about it.

You'll have to tune in to find out what it's all about... ;o)

Happy Easter!

Anxiety

I refuse to let it ruin my life. Even though it seems like just something else I'm failing at these days...

It's no secret that I have some problems dealing with anxiety and I've been working really hard this past year (at least) at moving forward and getting over my fears and issues. With the many massive changes that have happened over the last 6 months of my life, it's been even more difficult to overcome the hurdles of my past.

In a way, my mother's passing has helped me deal with some of the underlying crap I've been holding on to. Things I was afraid of telling her and things I couldn't bring myself to hurting her with have sort of taken the front seat and allowed me to deal with them head on and shamelessly. I don't have to tip-toe around my words anymore as much as I used to and that's allowed me to grow and come to terms with lots of it. It's also helped me open up about these issues to Js and that helps him understand why I'm as crazy as I am to some level. I know this all sounds really vague and weird but I'm not entirely ready to blog about the bulk of my damage so you'll just have to read between the lines for now and let your imagination run free.

That being said, I can't keep blaming everything on my past. It's not like I'm running out of anxiety sources in my every day life... ha!

This lifestyle has it's ups and downs and lately I feel like I've been handed more downs than ups. Mind you, I can't really complain about our quality of life out here compared to some horror stories I've heard from friends across the country. Some days, I like to stare at the wall and have a little pity party of my own. This is one of those days and it just happens to be the eve of Js' return from deployment and it sucks balls.

I know it's a normal part of homecoming to have some mixed feelings, feeling nervous and anxious and all that... but throw in a healthy dose of PMS and blizzards in April and you've got one very, very crusty military wife.

Truth is, some of the people here are really starting to pull at my last nerve and I feel more and more like locking myself up in my house and praying for a posting message out. I hate feeling this way because we do have some great friends and I've been blessed with a great, albeit temporary, job opportunity - I can't help but feel like we still have things to see and stuff to live out here.

I know most these feelings are linked to my anxiety and it makes it really hard to express my feelings, especially when I'm being emotional (read : irrational). I flipped out at Js today over the phone for something totally stupid, something that could have waited until he got home and we could have talked it out more constructively instead of me screeching on the phone.

Truth is, I just want him home. I just want him to get it when I need someone to tell me it's going to be okay and reassure me when I'm feeling insecure. Is that so much to ask? Is that so hard? When he's home, he can gage my anxiety better and he can sort of pad the walls and minimize the damage. I know it's not healthy to use him as a crutch and I don't think that's what I'm doing, but I also know it's not healthy to attempt to fix the broken pieces of your life and leaving your husband completely out of it.

It's all about finding a balance - with the anxiety, with Js, with my emotions - and focusing on what's good. Anxiety is not just something people use to blame their mood swings on or to express emotions, it's a mental state and an invisible disease.

//end pity-party.

Crochet : Teeny Hat

 

Disclaimer : Hold on to your panties, everyone. I am not pregnant. I made this hat for a friend who's expecting.

New beginnings are always the same

At the beginning of the month, the Powers That Be decided that my position within the organization was no longer necessary and it got eliminated. I was really really sad, upset and I felt cheated. I'd never applied for that position, I was offered it instead of something else because it was supposed to be more stable. Wah-wah. Anyways, I had only a couple days to work left before my trip to Ontario so I knew I wouldn't have to drag my feet around the office for the full two weeks of notice they gave me having banked all the hours to cover my absence already.

Luckily enough, someone from another department in the same building as us heard and asked me for my resume right away! I interviewed for a position in their department to cover someone's mat leave over the phone while I was in Ontario and ran to the office to do the practical part of the interview as soon as I got back to SK. That afternoon, I got a call and they offered me the job. Hurray!

So yeah. That's what I've been up to. Today was my first day and it felt kinda funny seeing all my old coworkers but sitting at a different desk. I actually had people come up to me with questions relating to my old position. I'm pretty sure I'm going to enjoy it - it's a bit faster pace than my old job and a bit more diverse so I'm looking forward to learning something new.

My new boss gave me a little plant and a little note with a clever little saying about new beginnings that slips mind right now but I thought it was really cute. It made me realize that life is full of new beginnings - especially this life - and to embrace change is the only thing that keeps me sane.

Thoughts?

Fellow blogger and crocheter, Yarn Devil, has asked me how I added that "Thoughts?" clickity-doo-dad at the bottom of each post.

You can click on the picture to see it bigger. Basically, in the "Design" tab of your Blogger page, click the little "Edit" link that's in the "Blog Posts" box. Then check the little box and customize the dood-dads however you'd like.

Voila! :)

Neglect

Lately, I feel like I've neglected some of the things that matter most to me and I'm not exactly proud of myself. Over the last months I've neglected friendships, I've neglected to recognize my emotions, my projects and my health.

Spending all this time by myself, I came to the conclusion that I've allowed neglect to take over my life and I want to move on and change that - hopefully for good. Neglect can be devastating but it can also be a good thing in the sense that it helps you see what matters - what can't really go on unless you put in some effort. I think this blog has been the clearest example and really brought the reality home for me. It can't go on unless I sit here and reflect on my life, my values and beliefs or work hard to find humor in the simplest things. These are all things I cherish - why can't I seem to gather the strength to do it regularly anymore?

That's where the hard work comes in. I know, deep down inside, that it's mostly because I don't want to see what I have to deal with. I don't know what to post about anymore because I've neglected everything around me and it's hard to admit.

I've neglected friends and relationships and I'm not really proud of it. I have to work harder, care more and call often. I also have to work on myself. I have to make healthier choices even if it's harder in the long run (and means more dishes), I have to be honest with myself and reconnect with my values and what I stand for.

It seems like a lot of work but I think once I get one of these aspects under construction, the rest will just fall into place. No one can help me but myself so I really have to suck it up and get crackin'.

Crochet : Super Chunky Neck Warmer

 

Spring is here!!

Phone reception

I'd forgotten what it felt like to hang up the phone not knowing when the next time we'll be able to talk will be. *sigh* I worked really really hard at not crying and almost succeeded.

The phone reception really really sucked in his room so I guess it's just a glimpse of how shitty we can expect satellite phones to be. Ugh. We couldn't find a straight answer on when/how often he'd be able to call home so I literally have not a hot clue of when I'll hear from him again.

Also, random thought : Funny how we say "phone reception" instead of "phone connection" with the digital era. :)

Crochet : Cat toy

A wee fortune cookie for my wee kitty.

I'm currently working on a SUPER-GEEKY project... nowhere near done but I'm already super excited about it. :)

Lonely Baloney

Js is gone. :( The day went surprisingly well though. We got ready to head to Regina and packed a couple last minute things like toothbrush and jammies then we were on our way. We beat the rush at breakfast but it started snowing so we headed to the airport early so I could drive back to MJ before it got really bad. I was good and didn't make a scene at the airport and didn't explode when I got home either. Might be due to my delicious dinner of chips and ice cream. :)

You know the Elvis song that goes "Only the lonely..." Well, when I was little, I thought it said "Lonely Baloney" and always felt bad for it and didn't get why Baloney was so lonely when the deli counter at the store was so full.

It's ruined the song for me forever. And by "ruined" I mean "awesomeized".

Leaving so soon...

Js is leaving in a handful of days and I really don't know how to feel about it.

I'm glad I was able to take a few days off and spend some time at home to wrap my mind around everything that's going on. I'm happy that he's going because he's been waiting for so long, it's a safe and pretty much risk-free deployment and it's only for a short month. Also, it's been quite a while since we've had to be a part and there is a small part of me who's looking forward to having the bed to myself... :)

There's also the part of me who wishes he wasn't going. It'll be a super busy month and having him around would be really helpful this month. Plus, he'll be missing my birthday (again!) so that kinda sucks. I'm thankful that my friend has decided to drive out to Moose Jaw for Easter weekend so I won't feel totally alone in the world. Sure, I have friends here, but I know that seeing them without Js being around is going to make me miss him even more.

I feel like we've grown so much together in the last week - more so than perhaps in the last couple months. I know this deployment is going to be good for us. For our relationship, to remember what it's like to live without each other and to be anxious to be home together again. We tend to take these things for granted after a while, I think.

This deployment also puts a small hold on some of our summer plans, so I'm anxious for it to be over and we can keep working on our current projects. We're looking at another TD (Temporary Duty - usually away from the home base) month this summer so we'll need to figure out how to plan around that one too.

So that's what's going on. :)

Dearest Blog, I'm sorry to bore you but...

I've neglected to post over the last few days but I have a good excuse. You see, I figured you'd get bored if I posted with great detail every time the CF changed Js' deployment and training plan/schedule. Considering my last post to this regard was on March 1st and the plans changed 4 times until we got a 60% solid answer yesterday, you can clearly understand why I decided to spare you the agony.

I told Js I don't want to know where he's going and when until he's packing his bags with one hand and holding on to his plane ticket with the other.

Putting things in perspective, it's not that much of a huge deal that he's leave... it's where, when and for how long that matters. We really want to go on our honey moon and I really need to go visit my Dad in Ontario this summer. Unless they make up their minds and stick to it soon, I might scream.

Sincerely yours,

Marie

Curve ball is curved

You remember about a week ago, I posted about Js' deployment opportunities... well things changed twice in that same day. And then twice again since then.

I'm at a point where I don't want to know anything until he's packing his bags.

Crochet : Puffy hat

I made this hat using a puff-stitch and a super soft and comfy yarn. It doesn't look like it but it's super warm and is really easily made larger or smaller.

Deployment curve ball

Js was supposed to be deploying some time next month. He got the message and everything was going as planned... until this morning.

Firstly, I'd like to point out that I was totally okay with the deployment. It was a short one, safe and chances for extensions were pretty much non-existent. When it comes to deployments, it's pretty much the best you can ask for.

In true military fashion, all got flipped around. Instead of deploying, he's going on a 10 week long course which totally drop kicks our summer and honeymoon plans in the face. I'm happy he's going on the course but it'll take a bit of time to reconfigure our summer and try as best we can not to let it postpone our honeymoon once again. Ugh.

Baking fun : Stormtrooper Cake

I will blog more about this when I regain enough energy.

Crochet : Scarf for Js

Here's a project I completed with my newly acquired crochet skills. Js picked out the yarn all by himself, it's super soft and warm!

Do I have a heart?

... I guess a better question would be : is it fully functional?

I've noticed a pretty constant tendency among friends and acquaintances (thanks Facebook) and it's really making me feel ... odd. Lately, there seems to be more "Everything in my life is going super well, *insert name of deceased parent here* must have something to do with it!" or "Everything in my life is going to shit, *insert name of deceased parent here* help me please!" and I just can't seem to relate.

When things go well, I don't think it's because my Mom is watching over me and plucking out all the obstacles on my path. I don't think she's there, watching over my shoulder and changing my life as an "active player". Like pushing me out of the way when I'm dumb enough to run in front of a bus or keeping my workplace free of conflict in some weird way. I tend to think that the reason I don't run in front of a bus is because she thought me, as a kid, to look both ways before crossing the street. I also think that I'm happy at work because she's thought me to speak my mind and to face and resolve conflict when it gets in my way.

When everything is going to shite, I have a hard time thinking she's going to reach down (or sideways) and help me out. Yes, my memories of her are reassuring but that's what they are - memories. I dig down, look deeply into my shriveled little heart and find the strength to carry on as I would if she was still here. I always wanted to show her how strong I could be and how I could make it in this world on my own and she didn't need to worry about me even if I knew she did. Why would I stop doing that now? She thought me better than that - better than to give up and better than to rely on anything else than my own strength.

I think she gave me the tools to live my life as I do and be confident about my beliefs, my values and my self so that I could (try to) make the best decisions and when I didn't, to be able to deal with it. She always trusted me to make the best decisions for myself even if I haven't always been the sharpest tool in the shed - she knew I had the smarts to get out of it later. Her impact on my life is ongoing but it relies on everything she's thought me over the first 26 years of my life, everything from here on in is my own. My way to honor her is to show myself and everyone who knew her that she was an outstanding mother.

This is just the way I see things and how I deal with my own grief - it's not better or worse than any other way... I just wonder sometimes if I'm being insensitive or if I'm simply being me.

New Hobby : Crochet

Yes, ladies and gays, I have started to crochet. I've been having a hard time finding a hobby that would work for me.

I can't pick anything that requires the TV because well I need a hobby the most is when Js is playing video games. I have tried playing video games but can't play them for very long... I tend to get bored fairly quickly. I do enjoy the Sims and Little Big Planet but it comes in waves.

I really enjoy baking and cooking too but when our freezer is full of prepared goodness and I run out of people to force feed my cupcakes to, I'm back to square one. It's not something I can always do when I'm bored or that's quick to pick up and put down. Also, the dishes kinda make it more work than hobby.

I also really enjoy taking pictures but I'm nowhere near having enough experience, knowledge or equipment to really get immersed in photography. I'm getting there though with the help of my patient, patient friends who allow me to take millions of photos of their kids. My pets now run away at the sight of the camera.

Crochet is perfect! It doesn't cost much, doesn't take much space or preparation and it's something that I can actually use. Sure, eventually I'll be all stocked up on scarves and dishcloths but eventually I'll learn to make something new. I believe I promised (read : threatened with) Nick a tea-pot cozy. 

Another plus : it's immensely entertaining for the cat.

TL;DR

This is what happens when I don't sleep.

Created by yours truly.

Status update : I've had it.

I have had it with stupid "will you dare repost this?" or "repost this as your status for one hour if you care" nonsense. Seriously. I'm furious with the world.

As my current status update shows...

Hockey Babe

In high school, my then-boyfriend was a total hockey player. I went to every match and hung out with the gang before and after games. He was tall and huge but really, deep down inside he was a total shmoo. After he and I broke up, I had a tendency to gravitate around hockey guys without even knowing. If I met someone interesting, chances were he watched hockey, played hockey or at least he wished he could.

When Js and I started dating, my friends *coughmaggiecough* teased me because he'd never even put on a hockey jersey. The first one he ever wore was mine. As Maggie kindly put it "I think you've tried the whole hockey-guy thing and we know it doesn't work." - she knows me so well... and was so right. Js kept saying he was surprised I agreed to date him because he wasn't a hockey player and all that jazz... after I told him what Maggie said, he loved her even more. :)

Then he joined the military, started working out and we moved to Moose Jaw. All these things pointed to playing hockey so he decided to give it a try. He was able to rent some equipment for the first year because he had no idea if he'd actually like it or not. Now, he can't get enough of it. He plays 2 to 3 games a week... sometimes up to 4-5 when he plays for 2 different teams. Mind you, I don't go to every game because... well... we're not in high school anymore and let's face it, their goalies aren't nearly as attractive.

I'm happy Js found a sport that he loves and the fact that it's hockey makes it even more fun! ;)

Go Babe!

Nova got spoiled

We drove to Regina on Monday because we needed to buy more food for Jacko and Nova ended up being the one getting spoiled at the pet supply store.

This winter has been especially cold and when we walk her for too long, she just drops to the ground and tries to warm herself up when she gets too cold. Then we have to stand there and freeze until she's warm enough to keep walking. Le sigh. Js decided she needed a coat and I decided it needed to be stylish. She is a fancy lady after all. :)

We also got her a new bed for the living room because the one in her crate was getting a bit ew so her living-room bed got demoted to crate-bed to make room for this prettier and matchy-matchy-er one.

Work it.

New camera fun!

A bit ago I promised to post some pictures taken with my new Canon Rebel camera Js bought me for Christmas.

We took Nova to the Wakamow Valley park here in Moose Jaw and everyone had tons of fun. Her with a frozen tennis ball, Js chasing her around and me with my new toy.

Hi.

My dog. She's skilled.

It was a gorgeous day.

We bought a new ride! :)

Yup, just like that. :)

We've been looking to upgrade our VW Rabbit for quite some time now and we finally found something that would work for us. We wanted something more practical, easier for traveling and something to brave the Prairie winters.

We decided on a Santa Fe 2010 - it's indigo blue and it comes with all the fixins. Obviously, the picture is bellow isn't a photo of ours but it's what I could find on the net in a pinch.

We are SUPER excited to finally stop counting KMs (our Rabbit was on lease) and to be able to plan road trips without worrying about Nova's comfort. It's a pretty huge leap but I think it's well deserved.

With that, we're on another no-restaurants-month again to save some dough and to get back to regular (more reasonable) eating habits post Holidays.